Extemes

So in order to shake off the aftertaste self-doubt and freakiness from the weekend I posted the list 100. (which I will post to one of these days)

And wow did I get some interesting replies. The extremes were crazy... and I loved it.

One was the "Scottish" as in from Boston, punk rock bagpipe player with lots of tattoos, who said he was a massage therapist... but really works for Walmart (Walmart = evil). Even though I posted for a sub it turns out he is a top, oh and he is in the middle of a messy divorce and battle for his kids, who are 1 and 3 and the next isn't born yet and he is not sure if it is his. But he was alternately great working class and all loving and accepting of people. He offered free tattoo's and massage and orgasms as part of the so great fun punk rock package. And lives in the sticks but is an aces musician and all celty from here to tomorrow. Someone I would make friends with in a hot tick.

I had one really good and one great conversation last night! And at no point did I hop back on YIM and type for hours to someone who isn't into me.

The last conversation was really great... what funny fun cleaver guy. He totally hit my cleaver dry humored east coast guy button. What I like to call my Ira Glass spot. And he has a great voice and never repeated himself. Ding, ding, ding! And for quirk factor, my god he had it in spades. De-frickin'-lit-ful. According to him he went through the list and matched to a tee. Eeeeek and he is a working artist. His kids are 10 and 13 - and the way he talks about them got me to the warm fuzzy "good dad" place.

And he took the old man bar project idea and made it even more fun!!! I totally want to go do it with him, and a few of my other choice old man bar appropriate friends. How fucking cool is that!

From Satuday Night Special to Crash n' Burn

First of lets start off with some facts. then I can move on to what lost me sleep and had me feeling sad and down and determined to shake that all off.

So, I am down to 230.5 and it has been harder than I ever realized it would be when I started this shit. But like I said I am down to 230.5 and that is a big deal. Especially seeing as the diff between 246 and 230 had been with me sitting on my ass compared to everything else I do when I get to live my real life. Been having lots of belly discomfort that I can only lay at one door.... my own. I am starting to deal though and learn what behaviors work for me. ie. Eat slow, tiny bites.

now for what the moment holds

the first thing I need to say to myself is: Don't get angry. Going to the angry place is just a way to deal with your hurt and sadness and you really need to deal with what you are actually feeling.

Okay now that that is done.

So last night I had a light play datey sort of casual thing. Everything went well at first. We had lots of fun and it was fun. I was really interested in this fellow. I loved our time-losing conversations which we had almost every night this week. He was charming and cute and I was attracted physically. He was great company.

He got what he wanted. I didn't get what I wanted or needed.

So last night, after a huge outpouring of energy on my part and a good time had by all . After which I wanted some affection. I just badly wanted one good kiss. Just to see what it was like and get a read on him and to feel that ever important connection. I asked and then went after that kiss.. and didn't get it. He froze up. Not even a twitch of the lips, which were sealed like fort knox.

When I asked mid attempt to get my proper kiss... I got a " I am shy... " coy smile thing. Which pretty much felt like a huge brush off. Now there might have been a lot of real reasons for the freeze up... but I am feeling what I am feeling regardless. And that is pretty freaking rejected. And I feel sad and hurt.


Now part of that is my bad - I didn't take enough time to explain what I wanted and needed. Not that I discovered some it until I didn't get it.


So, now that I have just shed my little tears. I have to ask myself what is going to get me that feeling. And I know that it is affection - physical affection. Hugs, and pets and kisses. Touch. And it doesn't have to be sex - though I want that too.

I want someone who is into me. No matter if the play agreement is no sex or no limits. From now one all my play partners need to come to that standard. Because he got what he wanted but I don't think he was into me... and I feel used and small and very very sad. And as I sit here looking damn cute, I just feel achingly lonely. And I don't want to feel this way. It sucks and it is painful. And I am a good person, a good lover and a good playmate. I deserve to feel something not this - to feel apprieciate and wanted.

But as I am finding out there is way more to the story.

Update... Nothing I discovered made the above untrue. Well except that I discovered a theme song for this adventure. Cicatrix by DiRtBoX