So I am having a flipping anxiety attack. The landlord called. After I had left the note with David. Grrrrr. I wanted to get there first. He asked me to call him back today and I did. But got his message machine. This is so tension ridden. Grrr. I need to find a way to lower my overhead or make some more fucking money... I vote for the second option as I am not living high off the hog as it is. I need to focus on getting my site back up for sure.

Ick. I hate this feeling and I don't want to move! It is soooo much work and I have move a million (7) in the last 6 years.
What can I do to make some money and still be a good parent and a whole person and an artist and a friend.

262.8 Whooo Hooo. I think that is less. Since the last time I punched in numbers here I had popped on the scale once before. Admittedly it was at night and I was all winter dressed... but suffice to say the result wasn't good... the first to numbers were 2 and 7... eeeeeek. I decieded to not take it to heart and not measure it again until today. Which is good.


I had a great time on Saturday shopping with a friend. I spent only a drop but all in all the experience was grad. On sunday I went to the grocery with a friend and that was lovely... the chance to catch up being the most cool part. Though I tried to do my best to do a good healthy shop... lots of salad. The fridge looks amazing all packed with vegies. I also have a lunch scheduled with a work friend who has had the bariatric surgery... I am going to hear all the nitty gritty.

As for parenting the boy has lapsed into selfish "I don't want to get of my ass or suffer the barest in convienience" phase this weekend. Icky icky greedy crappy behavior. Hopefully he is going to get the point. I got the room really clean but lagged on the living room and kitchen... I am going to work on those tonight and hopefully get that all done and get the table cleared. Goals baby goals.

B-fast was just a yogurt as I didn't want to feel all loaggy.

Oh, and I am reading this great book... super funny and seasonally correct. "A Dirty Job" by Christopher Moore. Way cool.

So I am slightly calmer this morning though still very sad. Paul was just lovely about the whole mess. I felt so horrid but he was very understanding. He is turning out to be a really nice person and I am glad I went with my instincts and rented to him.

I skipped b-fast and tea at home and it make the ride up to bart not so huffy puffy and gross.

I am going to do my best and get a few things done like "advocating"* for H's IEP meeting that is several weeks over due. I have been calling since the week it was supposed to happen and just got a call back. Writ ting an over due letter to my landlord. Paying the utilities. Washing my stinky sandals... pew. I am just going to try to forge ahead.

Best of luck to the rest of you out there.




*Advocating I am finding out means harassing people till they do their job or what he needs.

I am beginning to resent him and dislike his presence. The "he" in question is my 11 year old son. My 11 year old who in the last 5 days has lied to me more times than I can count, stolen money from my new housemate* and skipped school. He is wrecking things for everyone. He is destroying everything I worked for - for him, for his brother. And I don't know how to make him stop. I have sent him to behavior modification. I have tried to get him mental health care only to have the provider I set up stop taking my calls. That is turning out to be a nightmare because I would have to take off work SUPER early twice a week, get him for counseling and then go. I don't even have the 20.00 co-pay right now. Fucking A.

I am so upset and sad. And he is just breaking my heart. I really question if he is just a bad selfish person. If that is who he is choosing to be. I mean I am working so hard on all of this and it is going nowhere. He just doesn't get it. He is sabotaging everything.

I must be the most horrid of parents. He went away for boot-camp and I missed him. I really did. I was so eager (and afraid) as his return got closer and closer. But there in the middle I felt like I could breath. Like I could finally breath. At the time I was scrambling like to hell to find the $1,200 it took to send him there. And trying to figure out my own head. But I had time and space and felt just for a bit like I wasn't being pummelled — both literally and figuratively.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't trust him. Any minuet now he is going to do something else horrible and it is going to destroy this life I am trying to keep afloat just a bit more. His constant immoral behavior is making so I will end up homeless... he will end up homeless. This is just crazy. And I am alone in it all. Ever so desperately alone.

I have a way to trade for a weekend at Pittsburg youth academy - But no way to get him there. And he will fight me, physically. I am afraid to drive with him. Scared he will cause an accident.

I am hoping a good nights sleep will make things more clear.


* I gave up my bedroom in order to make some money. So now I share a room with a child and rent it out to people. I though I had a safe and welcoming home when I gave me references to Paul, the french dude from la rochelle. Who is really nice btw and doesn't want me to call him on it.

264.something

that was the returns this morning. Though I still feel really whaley and like a over stuff sausage about to burst. But it could all be in my head. No, just checked the waist band... still see the rolls. ick.

I know that all sounds so ultra self hateful etc. but it seems like this fat is just baggage of a less than easy life. This baggage is stuck to me right now. I am tired of carring it around. It is eating up way to much of my energy in the everyday and will most likely kill me in the end.

And I need that energy for parenting, art and the people in my life I care about and just some for myself. Phew. I am tired just thinking about it. I read an article about sleep today and pretty much agree I need more. Lots more.