So I am gonna write all this down not so I am stuck living in the moment but because I need to learn from it.
Mike Thompson was really thoughtless and selfish and he used my friendship. His cruelty hurt me. And when he knew it, he asked if he could keep doing it so he could get what he wanted... things he can't go out and get for himself.
Basically, he slept with me because he was hard-up for kink but he really was totally unattracted to me. I would guess even repulsed. But only to my body. My mind and personality are just great according to Mike. And wow, my brain, personality and connections could really take him places and get his desires/needs fulfilled (according to him). How nice for him. He wasn't offering much in return besides the roll in the hay. Yes, I asked straight up and ID'd the situation as an almost 2 months string of what he considered pity fucks. He said it more softly... but it boiled down to the same thing. He considered that a even exchange for all my time, energy, trust, friendship and connections. Fool. (BTW, some of the play was really good, but the sex was only just getting good. Good sex requires attraction and yes, Mike if you ever read this, I knew the difference then and I still know it.)
So on those occasions when I though I was having a fun sexy time with a friend, sharing games and affection, he was really judging me, and choking down his honest lack of attraction. Ouch. Fucking ouch. For a guy it would be liking being told the the woman you were having sex and good times with for weeks was faking it the whole time and they only got with you because you were the last man on earth and they had nothing better to do.
Now, I wouldn't feel so bad if I knew he wasn't attracted to me from the get go... I would have taken a pass and moved on... but I found all this out after we had been sleeping together for some time. And when it did all come to a head, he not only didn't really apologize, but didn't even realize how bad what he did/said made another person... a person that was really good to him, feel. This is someone I considered a friend. Somebody I extended trust to. Let myself be vulnerable with. He took my time and energy and gave very little in return. He put me in awkward situations. And he was dishonest with his actions. I don't mind that I am not what he wants physically... what I mind was the dishonesty... and the cruelty... If he thought I was too old and fat to be desirable in the least then he should have quit having sex with me and bowed out gracefully (or better yet not had sex with me at all). Instead he did and said things like "Hey, I like spending time with you... Hey, lets have a dirty sunday, hey lets spend lots of time flirting...Come out and see my band, come help me with my business, come meet my friends, please take me to your parties, yadda, yadda, yadda".
Basically all I can conclude is that he "wanted" what I could do for him, not ME the person. His issues with age and weight somehow made it okay for him to be mean to me.
Now don't get me wrong. I was not feeling all romantic about him. I liked him. I though I was building a kick ass friendship with him. And the fact that somebody I though was my friend could play with my emotions in such a visceral way is hard to swallow. That he made me feel low and foolish (even for a second), that he valued me so lowly.
Despite it all. Up to the very end I held out hope he could clean it up… I know, I am over optimistic about other human beings. The reason he is unwelcome is that he did nothing to make it right. I mean everyone fucks up. Sometimes spactacularly and people hurt other people. The thing is when a decent, nay, good person, realizes or owns what they have done they DO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT RIGHT. Or at least atone in some way. He couldn't even muster a decent sorry… the only sorry he could squeeze out was one I demanded… and it was worth just about nothing' cause it was forced. I am realizing that you can't make somebody have empathy if they don't. And just because I deserve an eloquent apology it doesn't mean I am gonna get it. Ever. So I forgive myself… for feeling stupid. For feeling low. For feeling humiliated. For feeling all that stuff that really had nothing to do with me.
I don't want people like that around me or in my communities. Just because you don't find somebody attractive doesn't give you the right to use them and treat them with less then basic respect and compassion. And if he could do this kind of thing to a strong, generous person it means he could very easily do it to somebody more vulnerable to much greater damaging affect.
I have lost all respect for him as a person. I will most likely be angry in a low grade way for a while. The whole thing makes me sad.
And when I am done with those emotions, I will also be just find. I have a great life. And I am strong enough to go out and get what I want out of life. In the end he wasn't... he needs it to drop in his lap or to use somebody else to get it for him.
It feels good to know that I am brave enough to get what I want out of life. And the bruises to my heart and ego will fade and the memory of this hurt will not prevent me from taking risks, trusting people, being present, and being myself, big ole fat ass and all.
I am not perfect, but i am pretty cool. And I deserve to be treated well and to treat other people well. So I will.
