The dark heart of me

Well that last post was a peek at this dark demon in my head and heart that whispers nasty shit at me. It wears my mothers face a lot... but mostly my own. It tells me constantly all the reasons I should be reviled and remain abandoned or harshly used. That voice has been there as long as I can remember being aware of myself that way. Maybe since I was 4 or so... It isn't going away. But I sure as fuck can make sure it has no power.

It took one line of text to slap me just a millimeter or two out of it. And sometimes all you need is a millimeter or two...

The line was "Size is a number. Confidence is a choice"

Fuck this stupid judgmental crap. My fat is just fat. Being conventional beautiful will not make me happy... just accepted by more people. I gotta ask myself "Do I want to be accepted by those people?" Admit to myself that I want acceptance and then GET OVER IT.


I kick ass. I am generous and smart - kind and creative - I might not be a rock star but I haven't won the lottery either. So fuck it. I am really REALLY good people. I am going to be kind. I am going to be compassionate. To everyone... including myself.

I have outstandingly pretty eyes and a kick ass mind. I am really good at herding cats. I make things happen. I will make things happen for myself today. These things:

1. I will not over eat
2. I will eat the healthy things I have bought
3. I will go to the gym
4. I will do one career thing
5. I will finish my corset mock up (hey, I just asked for help)

I choose to be confident. I choose to be happy. I choose to push past my fears. I choose to fucking ROCK.