In greater chronicles

Had awesome dinner with a great guy. Somebody I met ages ago and thought was way way cool. So I went out and had dinner with him before Bawdy Storytelling (which was epic) and it was really nice. As I think back on it we were two bruised people being nice to each other... I like that he is smarter then I am. I like that in my friends. He is still rolling in the fallout with his girlfriend or ex who is part of my greater community. And damn I forgot how tall David is. Wicked tall, and I had heels on even.

When I got home Mike has replied to my email. He apologized. In two complete, albeit short sentences. I am gun shy enough not to know if he means it or not. Or if it matters.

I am trying to separate out my feeling icky about him from my low grade just feeling icky and lonely. I had this master plan where the cure for loneliness was companionship. And like many things that when down with Mike... I feel like the leading edge of my loneliness has been honed to a find cutting edge.

Note to self, take a picture of the friendship break up box... cause damn it is pretty funny, when it comes to it.

I am back down from raging fucking mad and crazy upset. I really do think I am. Anyhow when he emailed back he took me up on the offer of Sunday eve... but I didn't want to be stuck in this anticipation cycle. And if I have to see him again, I preferred it be on my terms... it is just better that way. And maybe I want to face to  to prove something to myself. That I can take in on the chin and not be decimated. That way if/when I come across him in some public place I won't have to fear it.

I mean, I am only human and I had a lot of nice fantasies where I say clever things, he realizes what a schmuck he was. He apologizes really nicely and begs my forgiveness... which I give and then send him on his way. But that is self indulgent dribble.

So I thought to myself just get it over with. Be Done. God that sounds sweet. So I canceled my plans for the evening (that I wasn't feeling good about anyway) and threw out a line to change the time to today. He was down. Coming by at 6.

And I am going to be gracious and pretty and sad. And I am not going to ask him for things he cannot give. There are no time machines and I can't make it not have happened. I get to mourn the loss of my friend... even if that friend was an illusion. I am going to ask for what is good for me. I am going to ask that he stay out of the scene for a couple of months... so it isn't so raw.