measurements

done loosely with a set of headphones and a ruler. Dressed.

waist 41
hip 53
under bust 43
bust 50

Measurements for waist cincher project
waist 4
under bust 43
just above hip 48
just under rib cage 40.5
process to just under bb 14.5

Underbust 43
True waist 41
Hips/widest part thereof 53
True waist to hip 6.25
Underarm to true waist 12.25
How long you want the front of the corset to be 13

just to get up that hill

a line which should be proceeded by "a whole lot of tryin'"

So I am doin' a bit better today. Still in a bit of a financial mish-mash. Have ton's to do at work. and the house isn't a sty. Got a call from berkeley pd as YK was caught on the street smoking in freezing whether with no sweatshirt by an off duty officer who was really really nice.

I also got my yearly "it isn't his fault" passive aggressive letter from my ex mother in law. biotch.

I finally have a hook on what to get the kiddo's fr christmas...

YK gets:

• wheels and bearings
• black sheets
• black painted room furniture
• xmas pj's
• a hat
• socks
• gloves 

YK gets:

• underwear 
• sock
• gloves (good ones)
• a hat (a good one)
• 3 months of YMCA
• Maybe a coat 
• x-mas pj's 

I am gonna get myself something nice.
I am gonna make Jack, Kaleal, Adam and Tom some scarfy pressy's.
I need to bring in the cookies for the work folk tomorrow.

I am going to do laundry. Call lu back. Make a coffee date. And make myself something cut to wear for x-mas eve.  Maybe a dress or skirt from the red fabric which needs to get washed.

So I have been treating my self like shit

I am not taking care of myself. I have been eating things that hurt me, not setting my self up for good habits, spending money I shouldn't without thinking, not drinking or exercising enough, setting myself up for rejection, being a flake and beating myself up for it. Just general low spirally crap.

I am the only person responsible for taking care of me. While I am lonely am just fine being alone. I want to care about someone and I want someone in my life who cares about me in a truly connected way. I am a good person. A generous person. I deserve to love and be loved. I need to stop being candy ass about it and do a much better job of loving myself. That doesn't mean putting a bunch of goals down and feeling bad about it when I fail. To feel good I need to exercise, paint, be a better parent, and meet people to care about. To feel good I need to take better care of my body, my home and my spirit. I have everything I need to be happy. I want to find someone to share with and listen to.

Let's start with some small goals for today.

Call the school
Call Kiaser
Call Lu
Get money into the account

fucked up wed

It seems that all I ever do here is complain.

I didn't eat the stale lemon bread... compulsive eating avoided
My hair cut is bad, I dropped 4 things already, I forgot stuff to work on at home, I feel ugly and way way fat, my chair broke, I am more crabby than can be and my feelings got really hurt.

There was a call for participants in an art show. I stepped up and was seemingly accepted. So I went to work producing for it. Working really really hard in fact. Investing actually money and pulling resources from my friend base and everything. The promotional materials came out and I was the only one left off. And I am super hurt and offended. What the fuck??!!@#$%^^&**(

If I don't hear back by today about it I am gonna just bow out and fuck them... I will find another group to play with. I will take great picks and post my stuff on Esty and Craftster et all and they can just bite me.

just fucking write it down

.5 cup chorizo and eggs
2c coffee
1.5 cups soup n dumplin's

baby bike ride to bart home and back to bart this morning

fucking hate this place

This so so so so sucks.

Now someone with no background is working on what digital printer they pick in MF... even though I had be asked to work on this project in previous iterations including going out to and working with the rep.

Now I am being asked to vote. Fer fuck's sake. Three weeks ago someone asked me to work with the new rep once they bought a machine. I am so fucking offended.

It is like all the work I have done before here and all my background count for nothing. Absolutly nothing all so someone can trump themselves up as a leader.

Micromanaging cows.

rolla-coaster

Sad. Blue. Bummed. Horny. Lonely. Tired. Right handed.

So I have been harshed in my last several one-on-one's. Including being told my co-worker bitch about me behind my back. Mmmmmm. What a way to inspire me to trust others. How nice. Apparentally high performance not only doesn't count - it counts against me. So I get offered a couple of communication classes (she picked them) and was asked which one I wanted to take. I responded with they were both good and I would take whichever one was good for the business. To which I got this reply:

"[me],
Please, the decision is yours.
[her]"

I kinda took it as sarcastic and bitchy. So I picked one, told her the cost (big bank) but I figured she was the boss and she wasn't gonna put a class in front of me that she didn't want me to take. Silly me. I feel utterly set up to fail. Like here, pick one of these classes, do it now... psych! One was a trick choice and now you are screwed. And the message is that I am not worth it.

I just feel utterly de-motivated. And I didn't feel like that before I spoke with her. I was tired but pretty up beat. Grr...

On the up side I am down to 224! Yah!!!!

I have had a bit of a Protein shake today and not much else. my goal is to be down to 214 by the 11th. Which gives me 12 days.

a memo

hey... change the title bar text on all your pages for bsp.com you dork. And redo your artist statement with what reese wrote. And put together a pimping kit. While you are at it research frames for the 24 x 36 big red mess and the 30 x 30 piece... or research how to make a cool distressed steel frame - oh and see if you can buy a decent used palm sander.

love yourself

rollin' rollin' rollin'

Ode to smart men with beautiful eyes.

I need to write one, and ode that is, to smart men with beautiful eyes. I had lunch with one and he was just plain delightful. God what a smarty... I must remember the miracle that non fiction topics are. And the cute euro accent didn't hurt either.


So here I am back on the wagon so I will end this post with what I ate today.
B-fast was a home made protein shake
Lunch was about 1 6th of a Boudin salad mostly the protein parts and the nuts.
Dinner is gonna be leftover curry

Getting on the ball

Minimum list of to do's for art

1. Install hanging hardward on at least the four abstracts.
2. Back frame lemongrass
3. By Frame 11 x 14 for Nettles
4. Get wood block and hanging hardware for dia de las muerto's series (28 block, hardware for 7 pieces)
5. Back frame red and gold piece + hardware
6. Get hardware for at least 20 pieces 
7. Measure all existing work and make nameplates for them
8. Write up statement 
9. Figure out budget 

the moth approach

So it occurred to me that I could sometimes fall pray to the moth approach to amorous connections. Ya know where the shiny thing distracts me and captures all my attention. Then I just end up burning my self out on it. Eewwww. I would say that I was gonna do all this introspective work and find a new healthy strategic approach to it but let's be real here. I am going to have to depend on luck to see me through... cause I have to be genuine in my interests both with my self and others. Sometimes that means being a fly by night little tart. Sometimes that is gonna mean being brutally honest and taking a pass on things don't ring my bell. Phew that is all worked out.

So I had dates (minor ones - meet and greets) set up for tues, wed, and a date date for tonight. So far both Tuesday and Wednesday have flaked on me at the last min. I am hoping I can at least score one out of three for pete' sake. Please O' Universe I would like to spend some good times with someone who is a) attracted to me b) I am attracted to and c) is available

been kissin' loaners

So I have been kissin' loaners... other women's men. Not so say that I have been a low down dirty poachin' bitch cause I haven't. They had permission to play. Heck one wife or two were there at the time. But that being said the loaners thing is sort of weird. The women in question are really way more important to me than getting play and for that matter the friendships maintained with the men are super important too! It was all in good spirits to begin with. I think the mild awkwardness may just be rampant paranoia.

On another note I am meeting 2 new people this week and hanging out with several others. Whooo hoooo!

Linda Ronstadt Monday

This post was originally titled "body image and comfort zones" but that sounded like a therapy group or a self help book... so fuck that. I am youtubing my ass off and immersing myself in Linda's feminist rants and torch songs... and I am not even pining over anyone. In fact I had the best weekend ever! I got naked out side with in semi-public. I felt great about myself. And was taught by great people many a lesson on self acceptance.

One humbling realization was how much I look for validation from social mass before I act. And how uncomfortable I am doing my own thing with an audience.

There were many other realizations and not too few wonderful experiences. One of the things I am gonna do is let those experiences go unexamined. If I pick them apart they will lose their magic.

false desperation and genuine crushing loneliness

So lately I have been taking a pass on several romantic (or carnal) opportunities that have come my way. Why? I am genuinely lonely but I guess just not desperate. So why do I feel desperate sometimes? Like there is a giant clock and I am running out of time for finding someone and that being alone is this great curse? I think I will blame it on western consumer culture and the internet. I watched this great bit on stuff last night and it dawned on me that if I hadn't been shopping at the fast food window of amorous connection I wouldn't feel quite so bereft.

So where does that leave me really? Am I actually that powerless to change my own state of existence in the way of a relationship? Or does it speak more to my snobbery in that regard.

All I do know for sure is that I need to stop reading crap and I need to work out more and paint more. Oh and while we are wishing work less.

Disclaimer: Despite the sad, pathetic state of mind that this post implies I am really not feeling all that depressed. I am more blue about my art content generation weekend being canceled than anything else and unlike my love life I might be able to do something about that with the instant satisfaction machine that is craigslist.org

Having the Devils Email address

So after said rowdy party from last week I was digging through my bag to discover a phone number and email... of a salacious man. I confirmed said identity and was also told by the person in the know that it was the number of the devil and I should burn it right away... it only made me want to call it more. I guess I just am not that moral. ;) lucky me.

Raising the bar - what a good snog can do

After the best party ever and a really good snog or two the bar has now been set a bit higher. And I am re-devoting myself to myself... namely not wasting so much of my energy on lame guys. I would rather go to the pool or aikido for pete's sake. I had my yearly ha-rah and it was fan-fucking-tastic.

Now it is time to buckle down, love up myself and my family. I will just take all the loneliness and channel it into art! Dark, pining, bright art!

OH, and Did I mention I was down to 227 and that means I have lost 47 lbs!!! Just another 90 to go! Whoo hooo.

And here we are

So it has been almost 2 months since the surgery and I am finally feeling fantastic... not that eating isn't still fraught with challenges - but really it should be ;). I am going back to Aikido this friday -- grrr.

Phone call from the Y-camp. Hazard said "bullshit" during a baseball game and was not going to be able to go on a big trip... the biggest on of the week. I paid a lot of money for this camp and by god they are gonna take him!! Grrrrr. He needs to keep it together.

But back to positive things. I am down to a consistent and solid 230, I gave away all my cloths that were too big and as a carrot I am waiting until I get down to 215 before I buy any more cloths for myself.

I am totally inspired art wise - started my day of the dead series... bloodsweatandpaint.com

And started taking pictures and such for a erotica series... it think it will be sorta dark at then end but quite fun to do. I need to practice my figurative work badly. And I really need paper... lots of paper --- ooooh, I will bring home the stuff that has been in the drawer here. Yippy - it is layout bond but that is okay. And I need a proper set of pencils and charcoals.

We will also be restarting blue tryp... though we might segue over to covenworks.com



And lastly updates. So quirky east coast guy (now known as Lipstick Dave) wasn't "feeling it". But at least I got a brush off phone call - Unlike Bad-Manners Jeff. So it was a let down but crushingly so... it was just another little chip of rejection and that is never fun. But on that note I am gonna pat myself on the back (cause no one else is) for being brave and still putting it out there... I keep trying and meeting new people - risking that rejection. Which makes my stomach clench up but there it is.

Extemes

So in order to shake off the aftertaste self-doubt and freakiness from the weekend I posted the list 100. (which I will post to one of these days)

And wow did I get some interesting replies. The extremes were crazy... and I loved it.

One was the "Scottish" as in from Boston, punk rock bagpipe player with lots of tattoos, who said he was a massage therapist... but really works for Walmart (Walmart = evil). Even though I posted for a sub it turns out he is a top, oh and he is in the middle of a messy divorce and battle for his kids, who are 1 and 3 and the next isn't born yet and he is not sure if it is his. But he was alternately great working class and all loving and accepting of people. He offered free tattoo's and massage and orgasms as part of the so great fun punk rock package. And lives in the sticks but is an aces musician and all celty from here to tomorrow. Someone I would make friends with in a hot tick.

I had one really good and one great conversation last night! And at no point did I hop back on YIM and type for hours to someone who isn't into me.

The last conversation was really great... what funny fun cleaver guy. He totally hit my cleaver dry humored east coast guy button. What I like to call my Ira Glass spot. And he has a great voice and never repeated himself. Ding, ding, ding! And for quirk factor, my god he had it in spades. De-frickin'-lit-ful. According to him he went through the list and matched to a tee. Eeeeek and he is a working artist. His kids are 10 and 13 - and the way he talks about them got me to the warm fuzzy "good dad" place.

And he took the old man bar project idea and made it even more fun!!! I totally want to go do it with him, and a few of my other choice old man bar appropriate friends. How fucking cool is that!

From Satuday Night Special to Crash n' Burn

First of lets start off with some facts. then I can move on to what lost me sleep and had me feeling sad and down and determined to shake that all off.

So, I am down to 230.5 and it has been harder than I ever realized it would be when I started this shit. But like I said I am down to 230.5 and that is a big deal. Especially seeing as the diff between 246 and 230 had been with me sitting on my ass compared to everything else I do when I get to live my real life. Been having lots of belly discomfort that I can only lay at one door.... my own. I am starting to deal though and learn what behaviors work for me. ie. Eat slow, tiny bites.

now for what the moment holds

the first thing I need to say to myself is: Don't get angry. Going to the angry place is just a way to deal with your hurt and sadness and you really need to deal with what you are actually feeling.

Okay now that that is done.

So last night I had a light play datey sort of casual thing. Everything went well at first. We had lots of fun and it was fun. I was really interested in this fellow. I loved our time-losing conversations which we had almost every night this week. He was charming and cute and I was attracted physically. He was great company.

He got what he wanted. I didn't get what I wanted or needed.

So last night, after a huge outpouring of energy on my part and a good time had by all . After which I wanted some affection. I just badly wanted one good kiss. Just to see what it was like and get a read on him and to feel that ever important connection. I asked and then went after that kiss.. and didn't get it. He froze up. Not even a twitch of the lips, which were sealed like fort knox.

When I asked mid attempt to get my proper kiss... I got a " I am shy... " coy smile thing. Which pretty much felt like a huge brush off. Now there might have been a lot of real reasons for the freeze up... but I am feeling what I am feeling regardless. And that is pretty freaking rejected. And I feel sad and hurt.


Now part of that is my bad - I didn't take enough time to explain what I wanted and needed. Not that I discovered some it until I didn't get it.


So, now that I have just shed my little tears. I have to ask myself what is going to get me that feeling. And I know that it is affection - physical affection. Hugs, and pets and kisses. Touch. And it doesn't have to be sex - though I want that too.

I want someone who is into me. No matter if the play agreement is no sex or no limits. From now one all my play partners need to come to that standard. Because he got what he wanted but I don't think he was into me... and I feel used and small and very very sad. And as I sit here looking damn cute, I just feel achingly lonely. And I don't want to feel this way. It sucks and it is painful. And I am a good person, a good lover and a good playmate. I deserve to feel something not this - to feel apprieciate and wanted.

But as I am finding out there is way more to the story.

Update... Nothing I discovered made the above untrue. Well except that I discovered a theme song for this adventure. Cicatrix by DiRtBoX

extras

1 scoop (30g)

calories 94
fat 1.6
carb 2.8
fiber .8
protien 17g

so so so so so tired

and stressed out about money... grrr. Need to make more fast.

Hungry. Tired. Meetings. blahh. I wish someone would just scoop me up and make me go take a nap... can they read me to sleep too? Pretty please.

The lost week

242.6 lbs and gassy as hell

So I consider the last 7 days a lost week. I just wasn't myself. I lost perspective made ungrounded choices and was so alone I was almost hysterically paralyzed by it. I was frantic and I couldn't sleep and I was so so so hungry. And I didn't feel like myself at all. Before surgery I was such a together person and the recovery seems to have taken that all for me. I felt like a slothful tweaker. Well I am trying to make it all stop. I want me back.

Tuesday, May 20th was surgery day. I was super freaked out about weighing in either at or OVER goal weight and I had worked really hard in the weeks before .... but part of that hard work was tripling my work outs. On top of that in previous weigh-in's I was all bloaty from my period. So my numbers sucked. On surgery day at home I was something sick low like 240 but when they weighed me in on this ooooold fashioned scale I was wearing this circus tent of a gown... you could have fit four of me in it. There I was 243. Five lbs under goal weight. The surgeon was really happy with me. Besides being super sick from the anesthetic I think everything went great. I wish I would have walked more that day.

The days afterwards were just this toppsy turvy blur of feeling hungry and sleepless and having bad shoulder pain. My friends were great though. They all helped when they could and were generally outstanding. Despite that I need some nurturing. And I don't think I am gonna get it from friends. But that is the nature of being alone. That fact is the source of a lot of sadness. And I am working on not being alone. Being not alone isn't just about someone taking care of me but also of me taking care of them or just making life more interesting than it is solo. But way back from childhood I have know a lack of care and protection so I crave it deeply and feel it lack profoundly.

Physically a week later I am still having lots of pain in my left shoulder. Ewwww. I go back and fourth between feeling bloated and crampy to being hungry. And I am just ever so focused on food and my body. Christ. I just didn't focus this much on it. But I worked out today!!! Ya. It was only a 30 min. Tae Bo but hell, I broke a sweat and I did it fer fuck's sake.

So I have some new goals. Goal one. Only get on the scale once a week. Goal two. Go back to using this venue as a food log. Goal three. Exercise a min. of once a day.

These are this weeks goals. Next Tuesday I will report on progress.

Long term goals.

1. Find a carpool to the We night support group.
2. Start a "too big" cloths box to give away.
   
3. Start a photo album for the progress of all this. To do this I need to do the following:
   
   
   
   • Find full body photos from before September 2007
   
   
   • Take full body photos every Tuesday night

Today's Intake

4 oz. Unsweetened apple sauce
cal. 50
fat. 0
carb 12
fiber 2
pro 0

Pacific Natural Foods Butternut Squash
3 oz.
cal. 34
fat. .75g
carb 7g
fiber 1g
pro .75g

slice and dice

They did it today. The surgery went well and I now have the lap band. I was down to 243 (with gown) before surgery and I am now 426. Water and such I suspect. I am dosed to high heaven right now. Happy though. I am uber healthy and I couldn't have expected a better result.

Will be more introspective later. Need to write a good bye post to my fat. I am no longer afraid to be me without my suit of fat armor. I am plenty strong enough with out to slay my beasties, be loved, to love, to dance. Life is not a competition.

eeeeek... they are gonna cut me tomorrow

So I did it. Made the weigh in two lbs under goal this morning (246lbs) which means I have lost 25 lbs since I started.

I am gonna find out my time at 1:30 today.

I am totally freaked out but happy

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger

So I have recently found there is an inherent danger in long drawn out email contact without depth. This being contrary to the more obvious danger of email contact with depth with which I have much experience with.

One can start to crush on the idea of what you want someone to be as opposed to who they really are. In fact wanting to be in "like" puts one is a precarious position all together. Not a bad thing but something that one should be aware of. Especially when the person you have contact with (via email mostly) has all the superficial hallmarks of someone I could be really really into - the hallmarks of a perfect boyfriend light (expiration date included).

I think I am spending waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much time in my own head and need to stop being a narcissistic black hole of loneliness. I shall embrace my loneliness and use it's power for good.

song: "The Three of Us - Show Mix"

Loggity Log loggerson - cause it helps

bfast = protein shake (odwalla)
lots of water

lunch = lean cuisine

wt= 247.4

yesterday did pilates + minor swimming
tonight gonna walk a couple of miles

up up up --- ohhhhh, then down

and if only I was talking about my weight and not my mood. I was such a moody freak this weekend. Only a PMSing pinched freak like me could manage not to have fun at a beer festival.

Grrrr. I think the come down is part of not working out enough last week and being all worked up about the snipping on the 20th has me feeling blue. Of course my timing is most excellent and I mixed all of those things in with a good does of mother's day blues.

Eeeeek. This will get better.


b-fast
1 protein bar

lunch
lean cuisine

drank lots and lots

What numbers don't mean

So last week I worked my ass off and I have been doing pretty good with the food. But I checked the scale this morning and it looks like I am gaining weight. I know I am bloating (PMS) and hopefully gaining muscle. With that in mind I don't want to slack off and am looking good diet for my liver for next week.

I am also gonna get a tape measure to see if I am at least going down in volume if not in weight.

Trying very hard to stay in good spirits.

draggin' and braggin'

So I am still draggin' ass here on tuesday but I must do a little bit of bragging. I really really got off my ass last week.

Sunday - Swam for 45 min
Monday - Cardio Kickboxing
Tuesday - Carido Kickboxing + Swimming
Wednesday - biked like a fiend
Thursday - Swimming 45 min
Friday - Aikido 2 hours
Saturday - biked for 1.5 hours
Sunday - Aikido 1.5 hours

Mouuuhahhhahhaha.

On body Image

Very odd. I was on the platform after seeing the folks at Kaiser and getting my surgery date and had an epiphany. I am perfectly okay they way I am and if my body doesn't change that is okay too. I am cute and good enough - dare I say worthy of all the things I want to get/give. Ya, know like love, sex, attention, time. I think this is the first time I was truly aware of being okay with myself since I was about 3 years old. It is nice and strange.

On another note, what with the surgery being in three min or less I am gonna have to slow down on the dating... In all honesty I would rather be spending my time working out or finding a way to do martial arts again.

upswing

smaller and smaller 247 whoo whoo. And I am now nagging Kaiser for an appointment. Laggers.

It smacks of desperation

So the following are a couple of emails I didn't send. Mainly because there is something pathetic about it... and I am just not that hard up. On the other hand I did write them. Oh, well.

First Email I didn't send

Subject: Hey

x,

So if you were gonna take a pass with me it would have been nice for you to let me know. Just good manners and at the end of the day I deserve at the minimum courtesy.

peace,
[me]

p.s. I ran across this on Saturday and thought you might dig it.
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2008/03/14


Second Email

Subject: Karma

x,

So I was thinking back to our conversation Saturday night and how bothered you were by folks who didn't reply to your emails... who left you hanging. It seems in light of that the least you could have done gotten back to me and let me know that you weren't into me. Just food for thought, ya know? Best of luck finding what you are looking for.

[me]

rejection

rejection sucks

I don't want feel this way.
And I guess I do. I asked the universe to gift me with things that matter. Well If the rejection didn't matter I wouldn't feel this way. What is the lesson... Be careful what you ask for?

I think it feels this intense because it is a effective reminder of past rejections, particularly the break up with my ex-husband.

Oh, well. I am moving on - it doesn't do to wallow. It would have been nice to at least get a blow off email though. I well and away deserve that.

oh well best not to dwell

Silly crushes... Oh, well. Time to get back on the horse as it were. And in my case beat the hell out of it. I have cast the net again, now with an even more precise idea of what I am after.

notes to self

Be yourself - your brash, blunt upfront, happy puppy self. And fuck the world if they don't god damn love it!

It is okay to want what you want.

sex

kink

friendship

a crash test dummy

toys

affection

conversation

Interview the next person you want to play with

----

Horny. Horny like a 14 year old boy - including intellectual capacity.

Fer fuck's sake

----

bought some toys. Sent flirty aggressive email. (put myself out there). I am kinda riding the let down that he hasn't called me or responded since Saturday am. Yup in a funk. Despite that I feel good about the (names omitted) thing. I also feel good that I made a move email wise, because if it turns out (as I pessimistically suspect) that he isn't into me, then I would rather know now than a day or two later after I have spent time fantasizing about him - though I may not be able to prevent that. Oh, well. Trying to distract myself with work. Grrrr. Crushes suck. I love having one. I feel alive and hopeful and down all at once. If this one doesn't pan out for not there will be others. And crushes can just be that. And they don't have to pan out into relationship or even friendship. I thing the let down feeling comes from knowing that I want that crushy feeling — and it is much harder to get than a date or sex — and now that I am feeling the beginnings of one I don't want to loose it. I was worried that if I tried to grasp it too hard I would make it slip through my finders — but when I think about dealing with a submissive guy and me being honestly me that is ridiculous. I am brash, bold, upfront and the right kind of guy for me is gonna find that exciting, endearing and attractive. And fuck all the fools who don't.

------

I spent the time getting to know him. I liked him, got mentally creative... then NOTHING. FUCKER. Someone is gonna get punished.

I am currently a bit bruised just so you know though. I am coming off a crush on someone... turns out they were less than honest about being into my type (big) and I went and spent the time to get to know them, liked them and then *poof* nothing... which isn't a big deal. Really it is no harm no foul. It would just be a pain in the ass to get all flirty and excited about someone only for it to flop on that basis

Virtual Leg humping and mug shot chicken

Both new experiences that came my way this weekend

Virtual Leg Humping
The occurrence of one party in an introduction IM conversation only being able to speak about sex and taking ever statement made by the second party as an inference to sex or a sexual innuendo. This becomes virtual leg humping when the second part is actually talking about working out (or something similar) and the response by the second part is to take it as an invitation for sex. The other criteria for this dialog to be considered virtual leg humping, is for the overtly horny party to be good natured yet clueless.

Mug Shot Chicken
This is an email interaction that happens when Internet dating that goes like this.

First party posts on a board for a boy/girlfriend, partner or fwb or nsa and request a photo upon reply
Second party replies asking for a photo without a reply
First party requests that the second party provide the originally requested photo
The second party replies specifying that a photo will only be provided after the first party provides one
*at this point it has become a game of chicken. A "who is desperate enough to cough up the photo first" thing.
The first part refuses and requests the idiot second party to read the post, admonishing the second party about playing mug shot chicken.


On a totally separate note. I am down to 248.5. And the goal from Kaiser was 248 (as of last week).

today. lunch 4 crispy tocos, three cups of fruity tea

It ended October 2005

I got out. Thank God. But I really like what I wrote... there is something so genuinely me about it that I feel it is worth keeping.

the nature of want

"want" is vastly different than "would like to" in my book. For instance I would like to learn to speak spanish, thai and travel to Oz. I would like to get an extra work out in this week and get an extra camping trip planned in for the summer today. Those things are on an utterly different level than the things I want.

The things I want I actively make time for and devote energy to. The things I truly want I go out an get. No exceptions. I want to eat healthily, finish the design on my portfolio site, take pictures of my art, practice flogging, and make connects to people therefore I make time and spend energy doing those things. I may not do them perfectly right off the bat. I experience different levels of sucess but at the end of the day I am sincere in my actions and devotions to the things I want.

I was the stinky deli lady

and there I was. hopped on the train after doing all the am stuff I was supposed to do....

made the kid lunch
made and packed my health diet lunch
ate b-fast
remembered book
dressed
got tampax
got to work before 8:30
prepped the gym bag
checked bank account :(
got out the fucking door

I walked to bart (ick) and was feeling sort of thin. All was going well. As I trotted down the stairs to get the SF train I caught a wiff of deli and quickly scanned the crowd in order to find the offender and avoid them. But as I moved quickly down the platform the scent was gone and I felt like I had dodged a minor bullet.

I sat down mid-car and when I opened my bag to get my funny funny Christopher Moore book, I was assaulted by the pungent oder of my healthy healthy diet lunch. I quickly moved to cover it up but then as the train ride progressed I could see the other riders start to notice it. Some looking around suspiciously, my seat-mate shifting strangely and giving me the eye. That is when it dawned on me.

I was the stinky deli lady. It was me. I reeked.

It was humbling. I now must invest in some kind of smell proof way to get my onion ladden lunches to work. Once can't flirt on the train if you smell like a sandwich.

rewards

pounds

180 = New boots from widewidths.com

http://www.widewidths.com/sidney.html
http://www.widewidths.com/molly1.html
http://www.widewidths.com/kiersten.html

240 = new hoodie

220 = new lingerie

245 = new trainers

200 = new underthings

160 = new coat

body numbers

waist 42'

bust 46'

hips 55'

thigh 32"

calf 18

calf height 15'

arm 18'

back = Neck to waist = 18'


EEEEEEk.

I still am not going to care

I am not hard to figure out. I just want to do the work and not spend time fussing over lame things.


More passive aggressive bitchiness. Some of which was me, but 'fer fucks sake when you can't get your shit together just cop to it. Don't try to shift your mess to someone else. And by someone else I mean me... cause quite frankly if some other fool wants to deal with your sloppy passive aggressive crap that is is there prerogative. Just don't assume I am ready to get into that queue.

On a separate note the perpetrator in question put there bitchiness in writing... for all so see. Dumbass.

the allure of cheese toast

I was unable to resist the allure of cheesy toast last night. I know sourdough bread is bad for me and a no-no. But I was so hungry and the brie was so perfectly squishy and it is so quick. I was like a recovering alchoholic in a booze shop who check out of the program way WAY to early. It was great though. And I didn't eat tons of it.

Oh, and I don't quite feel so negative and blue and psycho.... irrational. It most likely wasn't the toast. Other things have gone down including sleeping, but I am just sayin'.

Blue

I am feeling very blue today with a touch of angry. Isolated.

Hazzy is being a butthead, I am having strife at work with an insulting person, and I am terribly lonely.

All together iccky.

I need to lose more weight... then maybe my body would feel better. I don't quite know what to do about the mood though.

Food Poisoning and Other Fun Rides

Okay, so I had food poisoning so bad I ended up in the hospital Sunday night, well really very early monday am. Thanks mostly to a really great friend who got up at 4 am and took me in, god bless her.

Broke 250 - been weighing in at about 248 ish, but eating too much comfort food and will have to nip that in the bud. I did all this nice planning last weekend to have nice health low fat meals only to have such a tender stomach that all solid food is good. And I drank too much soda... all ginger ale, which is the only thing that made me feel the least good.

Now I need to get back on it! I am finding that if the kitchen is dirty in the morning that making b-fast doesn't happen. I need to find a better way to handle all the dishes. I need a housekeeper. *sigh*

I also need to better faithfully log my eats.

b-fast
Protien Shake - Odwalla Almond
.5 cup coffee

Still rockin' 253

Which mean consistent long term weightloss. I also still have that ringing headache. No fun at all.

b-fast
4 scrabbled eggwhites with a bit of butter
Total Carbs 1.5
Fiber 0.0
Net Carbs 1.4
Fat 0.3
Protein 21.8
Calories 104.0

lunch
Salad with Chicken
Total Carbs 27.9
Fiber 3.1
Net Carbs 24.8
Fat 27.3
Protein 52.5
Calories 571.5

Dinner is an "I don't know, at this point"

Tails of woe from under the wagons wheel

So I didn't just fall off the wagon. I fell off the wagon and got caught under the wheels and dragged along for mile after mile of true fun.

But on the up side I didn't gain weight. Whoooo Hooo.

brunch

3 oz cheese
4 oz yogurt
4 oz lean turkey
two oranges

the grind

Not in the mood to journal - just gonna suck it up and do it. Will get numbers later.

bfast - Atkins shake (vanilla) 2 pieces of string cheese

lunch1 - Baked chicken florentine lean cuisine

lunch2 - 3 oz. lean pork, 1.5 cups wild rice

Dinner - (confession) 10 chicken nuggets

some chami tea before bed

up

I am a really really good mood and it couldn't possibly have to do with my computer looking like it is going to work. (fingers crossed, knockin' on wood). I am working on planning my vacation, 3 camping trips today, washing dishes and a product campaign.

bfast (skipped it really will try for brunch
coffee

lunch some super yummy salad

dinner - thai soup and a grilled cheese on wheat

exercise
biked to bart
biked to washington and montgomery and back
biked to the crucible and back
biked home from bart

Don't have it in me today to do numbers

Loggity Log loggerson

Bfast - 3 pieces of string cheese a cup of coffee and a diet soda... I sin I know. But it will be the only one of the week. Achhhhaaah

Total Carbs 0.0
Fiber 0.0
Net Carbs 1.8
Fat 18.0
Protein 18.0
Calories 240.0

Lunch - a green apple and a piece of chocolate Ghiradelli's square.53 oz - And holy mary this one little bit of chocolate is worth almost a whole lean cuisine... lipping a.

Total Carbs 33.0
Fiber 2.0
Net Carbs 31.0
Fat 17.0
Protein 15.0
Calories 330.0


lasagne - veggie with mostly cheese and spinach (will calculate later for totoal... know it will be high... sky high.

Ended the day with severe belly ache. Really pretty bad.

Last weekend in computer hell

So I picked up another side job, the money form which I decided to spend on a new monitor as the one I had was shakey and quivery and just a mess. Picked one up a best buy. Kabloooie. I think my graphics card is either too lame or dying as I couldn't use anything and on top of my ailing system finially died and I had to wipe the drive... lost the apps and the OS but not my client files. Worst of spent many many tension ridden hours turning it a full-on psycho to fix it. Ended up working of my laptop (tiny screen) all of sunday. Was twice as slow to do it as it would have been. icky

With a fresh mind I will figure this thing out! I really will and hopfully it won't cost a mint.

Saturday
some skinless fried chicken
Consisting of corn meal and chicken with spices. Some salad. And an orange and some yogurt.

Values of the day
Total Carbs 119.65
Fiber 11.15
Net Carbs 108.5
Fat 86.7
Protein 101.45
Calories 1663


Sunday
some skinless fried chicken
Consisting of corn meal and chicken with spices. Some salad. And an orange and some asperagus.

Values of the day
Total Carbs 84.425
Fiber 12.65
Net Carbs 71.775
Fat 74.775
Protein 94.95
Calories 1397.25

I love black and white

Last night I splurged and picked up this great dress. sort of kimono baby doll style but it just fit so well which never happens as I am super short. Even the arms looked good. It was more than I expected to spend but it looked really really nice on me. Now I need boots to go with it. hee hee

bfast cottage cheese and green tea

Total Carbs 12
Fiber 0
Net Carbs 12
Fat 10
Protein 28
Calories 260

Lunch baked chicken lean cuisine

Total Carbs 34
Fiber 3
Net Carbs 31
Fat 4.5
Protein 15
Calories 240

Dinner Super yummy thai style grilled shrimp with al dente veggies. it was so so yummy. With a pink grapefruit cucumber cocktail. It was sooooooo good. And I don't care what it was worth. It felt good, tasted good and I didn't feel bloaty or icky after.

No More Tea for Me

I was sooooooo ill this morning. I almost puked on the train.

All I had before I left the house was a lovely cup of strong black tea with milk. It was great. Ever so yummy. But before the train even hit McArthur I was acidy and by 12th street feeling all pukey. It was so so so gross.

Barely made it to the office ladies room before miles of acid and tea decided to show themselves again. Ewwww. Now I just don't feel like eating breakfast and besides a few tums, I think water is the way to go.

Blah. So so icky. The yummy yummy tea just wasn't worth it.

brunch 1 med. red apple
drank lots of water, was light headed
at more tums

Total Carbs 21
Fiber 3.7
Net Carbs 17.3
Fat 0.5
Protein 0.3
Calories 81

Lunch - Crispy Taco from chipotle - no sour cream very little salsa
small acid reaction, 3 tums, more water
Calories 769
Total Fat 44g
Total Carbohydrate 49g
Dietary Fiber 8g
Sugars 4g
Protein 43g

Dinner - KFC (I know super fatty fat fatterson but my feet hurt really bad and the drive through was right there and [insert lots of excuses here] Oh, and a handful of fresh blueberries

Total Carbs 134.1
Fiber 16
Net Carbs 111.7
Fat 202.2
Protein 190.3
Calories 1445.3

Those numbers such KFC is like eating a delicious cube of ass fat. That is so gross. What the hell are people thinking eating that every day?? blath

Todays totals and reflection

It should be noted that after getting home for the night I started drinking water and drank at least 4 large glass and was still thirsty when I went to be... but I am not super shocked after I looked up the sodium count at KFC . Just noting it to keep track and avoid a tragic limb melting death by diabetes.

Calories for the day: 2293.5
Carbs for the day: 177

Wow, as I read that I am pretty grossed out. That is not they way to love myself or the people in my life. All yesterday thoughts of (I am editing this post friday am) "just fuck it" and "just this once won't hurt" and "I deserve it, for all my hard work". Talk about two steps forward and one step back. Not nice at all.

Numbers aren't everything

I just gotta keep telling my self that. Because this morning the scale read 253.1

That means that I have hit the 20 lb. mark since I fist started this way back in September. I am cautiously optimistic that it is true... I am holding out any on a the happy dance until it reads that way for several days in a row.

Also I geeked all the hell out yesterday and mad a spreadsheet to calculate the value of what I am eating. If someone else wants it just email me.

B-fast ( was running late and got lazy) Odwalla Protien Shake
Total Carbs 50
Fiber 6
Net Carbs 44
Fat 12
Protein 20
Calories 380

Lunch - Lean Cuisine
Total Carbs 9
Fiber 1
Net Carbs 8
Fat 7
Protein 21
Calories 180

Now that I ate that... ever so sloooooooowly. I have a fun, very unfun acid belly and it sucks. I really really sucks.

Dinner - Pork Chops with massa crust and asparagus
Total Carbs 69.0
Fiber 10.3
Net Carbs 58.7
Fat 40.2
Protein 120.0
Calories 1143.0 (wholey fricking crap)

Total Calories for the day 1703

Carbs 110.7

255

Whoo Hoo. I don't care if the scale is just a bit off or not.

B-fast
2 eggs with green onions and asperagus
Total Carbs 5.5
Fiber 1.3
Net Carbs 4.2
Fat 10.1
Protein 25.8
Calories 324.0

Tea w/milk
acid reaction = moderate
took herbs, hour later still all acidy, took tums

Lunch
Salad with Baby dark greens, turkey and swiss with tangerine basalmic dressing
Total Carbs 27.8
Fiber 2.7
Net Carbs 25.1
Fat 19.2
Protein 42.7
Calories 560.5

Sinning
I had one diet soda. Dr. Pepper.

Dinner
sautéed carrots and summer squash with eggs and swiss cheese (oh and a few bites of steak)
Total Carbs 13.7
Fiber 3.4
Net Carbs 10.3
Fat 26.025
Protein 56.35
Calories 665

Todays Totals
Total Carbs 47
Fiber 7.45
Net Carbs 39.55
Fat 55.325
Protein 124.8
Calories 1549.5

I have been fooled by those marketing people

but wait. I am one of those marketing people. All that aside, I took a closer look at my less-than-loved cottage cheese container... Those numbers are for 2 servings - SOAB.

So my 140 calories is really 280 calories. grrrrr.

Anyhow lunch was a chipotle burrito bowl. I found the coolest site that give the breakdown for it. They had a nifty thing where I could grab the code, but the css broke when I tried to use it here.

bummer

Chipotle Nutrition Facts Serving Size: 1 Burrito Bol

Calories 479 Calories from Fat 191

% DV*

• Total Fat 21g
• Saturated Fat 8g
• Cholesterol 126mg
• Sodium 1156mg
• Total Carbohydrate 26g
• Dietary Fiber 7.5g
• Sugars 0g
• Protein 46g
• Vitamin A 102%
• Vitamin C 11%
• Calcium 21%
• Iron 2%

No Appetite

I have absolutely no interest in this oh-so-good-for-me cottage cheese.

bfast - 8oz cottage cheese
fat = 5g
carb = 3g
protein = 14g

The funny part is I know that if someone plunked down a crispy buttery almond croissant I could gobble them down (them - as in plural). But instead I am now gonna choke down this cottage cheese. yum.

I don't think much of you either

So interpersonal/professional relations.

As I sat here with my "let it go" mantra rolling in my head something occurred to me. That something being that:

I get the feeling that a number of people I work with don't think much of me or my skills.

That thought was followed by:

A. My sense of worth (personal and professional) should not depend on what others think.

B. When I counted off those folks in my head, it turns out I don't think much of them. I really don't. I find working with them difficult. I find their communication styles to be vague and non-committal. And frankly their recall less than sharp.

C. What the hell do I care what they think of me - I don't exactally hold them in high esteem and they are working for the same fricking Bstring team I do.

D. What does C (above) say about me? Professionally speaking?

I guess this is my professional food for thought today.

Also Lunch today is a lean cuisine.
Fat = 7g
Carb = 8g
Protein = 21g

irri-a-fucking-tated

bfast - 8oz cottage cheese
fat = 5g
carb = 3g
protein = 14g

4 oz of coffee

8 oz of green tea

Bitchy as all get out. Taking herbs. Woke up with acid belly.

Lunch was a lean cuisine

Dinner was half a chicken sandwich on whole wheat ciabatta. (too many carbs)

I am not going to care

I don't care
This doesn't matter
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care

This is an exercise of letting go. I feel I am getting way way mixed messages from my leadership. And I apparentally don't get to design anything and the rules are way undefined. And I am doing my best not to care.

I am over tiered from being sick. And I should not take this personally. I am not taking this as a professional criticque of my design abilities. And this sucks. I get to own nothing.

Grrrr.

I don't care
I don't care
I don't care

This job isn't doing anything for me. I will WILL update my portfolio this weekend. I will figure out how to go to night school or to school on-line.

catch up

So I have neglected logging things for the last bit. And this is my attempt at catching up.


Sunday
Was really tired most of the day and totally stuffed up. Took a nap

tea for b-fast
sinned with two pieces of buttered toast
dinner was some spinach and cheese ravioli
and I ate some of Hazzy's M'D's (a small fried and 4 chiken nuggets) Which I know are crap.

Saturday
Spent most of the day working with Nick on life planning things. Determined I sucked a my own financial planning. I was still really tired.

skipped bfast
biked at least an hour and a half mostly up hill
roasted turnips and a small amount of beef stew for dinner

Friday
Went to work. Wore unwise shoes.

yogurt for breakfast... I know way too carby fatty but I still have a ton of it
lean cuisine for lunch
egg drop soup for dinner


Thursday
I took a mental health day from work. My house was trashed and the other two humans who live here hadn't done crap. I was also just really really tired.

eggs for bfast
biked at least an hour
broccoli and some pasta for dinner

oh, and I did a lot of dishes and cleaned a buch

as only a thirteen year old girl can

That is how much I love Ira Glass and David Rackoff (not to mention Sarah Vowell and David Sadaris). I haven't been this type of fan since I was a thirteen year old girl. They are coming to Zellerbach Hall next month. Unfortunately they sold out two months ago. It is fairly pathetic the strategies I am working on to acquire ticket including skulking out side the theatre the night of the show.


I am not usually such a rabid fan. I thought I was gonna be ass out for a ticket but once again my friends have saved me. It turns out that the local public radio station was giving away tickets as a gift for pledging membership. So I shelled out my $175 bones (strung out over 7 months) and loe and behold I will be the proud owner of a ticket! Whooo Hooo. Thrilled just doesn't cover it.

Panic Attack - Follow up

This is a follow up to a previous post - Click Here

It turns out YK did take the $150 cash... he was playing with it. He didn't spend any of it. After his was done playing with it, he forgot to put it back on my dresser.

While I was super frustrated, I was pretty relieved, too.

I think it went beyond playing with the money though... beyond being irresponsible. I think it went to wanting to be a big man with his friends, etc. Not sure how to address it. I just need to clone myself I think.

Love and Food

I love food. I really really do. I like to make it, I adore, ADORE talking about it with other people who love it, I like to make it for other people. (btw, YK really liked the stroggie last night, which was a coup on my part as it is one of his signature dishes and he love it.) Eating is is good too, but really it is the tasting part I love, not as much as the consuming. That seems to come from some other place. Grree. Someday I want to love exercising too. Maybe not as much but with something close. And on that note I wrote my Dr. yesterday to get the paper work for the gym membership.

Log
Woke up acidy (see previous post) and I am totally starving.

Bfast - blueberry yogurt and some motrine (for the heal spur)
full on acid reaction though not the worst, still hungry

Eeeeek. This yogurt is totally fatty
size: 4oz
calories: 140
fat: 6g
carb: 19g (16 in sugars)
protien: 4g

Lunch is the Trader Joe's Chinese Chicken salad ( but I am gonna toss out the fried noodle bits... they just aren't worth it.) I am also gonna see if I can skim off some of the oil in the dressing and avoid it.

fatty fat faterson

I gotta cut down on all the dairy fat. It was so weird this morning, I was both hungry and hand upset acid belly. Couldn't even make a dent in my morning tea. Though I am giving myself a gold star for coming to work and making a pitcher of tea for iced tea this afternoon.

One Diet Coke (can not bottle)

Diner Tuesday Night
Beef Stroganoff
Acid reaction - 3 tums
Tylenol pm and to sleep by 10 pm

The child was unconsolable

YK did skip school yesterday and apparentally dodged his brother and didn't answer the phone. So as of 5pm he was MIA and when I did find him he needed miles of energy and attention and and AND. phew. I am exhausted just talking about it.

Between that and the fact both YK and OK are flipping slobs I am feeling the need to impose some control... foolish I know. But visions of lists and chore wheels are dancing in my head.

Today will be better.

Food wise

b-fast was 1/2 cup granola with whole milk.
way severe acid reaction... not to the point of being ill, but close. We won't be eating that again, which is a bummer as it was yummy.

Lunch today is a ceasar salad with boneless skinless chicken sans crutons.

Rex Passed Away

So it s a bit stress full this morning when we discovered Rex had passed away in the night. Rex is a chinese water dragon. Yesterday I had cleaned his eyes and we thought he was doing better but this morning he was gone. Hazzy was very upset. But he had gotten up on time and had instructions to go to school. But I still got a call from Mrs. Shaaf that he wasn't there. Grrrrr. I would have let him stay home today if he hadn't missed so much class lately. But it is really really getting out of hand. I quite frankly don't know what to.


Food wise:

Had egg sandwich this morning. And tried some diet iced green tea... but it tasted like crap so I don't think I will be finishing it. I will try to make my own.
Slight acid reaction from b-fast

Lunch is a chinese chicken salad

Dinner I am not sure about yet.
New:
Dinner turned out to be about 8 pot stickers (japanese style with the thin wrappers) with spicy sauce... Yummy. No acid reaction.
I did make some very dark chocolate fudge, light on the sugar last night for hazzy. I only had a 2 inch piece ( about 1/8th inch thick )but ended up all acidy unhappy and took 3 tums at about 10pm.
Oh, also dosed with tylenol pm

Last weekend

Sunday

Ran around too much and was laid out of the afternoon. Very ouchy left foot.

Forgot b-fast
Had acid reaction on empty stomach (gross)

Ate some ravi for lunch around 2:30

Leftover ravi for dinner at around 7:00

two diet, hansons natural sodas

Saturday was okay

bfast was eggwhites and a bucket of tea
no acid reaction

Biked to berkeley bowl and back
and that was okay

Made a roasted veggie salad....

Had a few spinach Ravioli for lunch about 3 or so.
slight acid reation

Nibbled at the party for dinner, Didn't have any bread at all. Only ate about 3 tbl. of homemade chocolate ice cream for desert. 2 glasses of champ.
Did the herbs before I started to graze.
very light acid reaction



Roast Veggie Salad

Two parsnips cut in sticks
two carrots cut in sticks
10 med. shitake mushrooms quartered
handful of fingerling potatoes - halved
two bunches of asparagus cut 1 in bits
3 bunches of green onions cut in 3 in lengths- halved
handfull of dried cranberries
5 or 6 cloves of garlic roasted soft (separately)
lemon thyme
fresh rosemary
big bunch of cilantro
1 limes
dash of rice wine vinegar

Tossed parsnips, carrots, onions, mushrooms, cranberries and potatoes with a bit of olive oil and rosemary, sea salt and a dash of pepper. Roasted on low 275º ish, for 40 min. Stirred, roasted another 20 min on 450º. Added asparagus roast for another 5 min.

In a large bowl juice the limes, add chopped chilantro, rice white vinagar, and rough chopped thyme. Stir. Pour half over pan of roasted veggies and toss. Next transfer it all in to the big bowl. Tossing to distribute fresh green evenly. Salt to taste. Cover as air tight as you can get it and let stand (and steam) room temp for 20 min. Eat.

people just don't think things through

what the hell.

Task - Develop an icon that can be used on sales sheets, presentations and various other marketing materials.

Logical step - run a test on of your design(s) on those materials for compatibility.

Did the primary designer (who is paid much much more than I) do so? Did the client actually indicate what the icon would be used on?


Fuck no.


-----

I hate my job

This weeks food logs

Friday
bfast: Protein shake and coffee - acid reaction ( perhaps will have to start giving up the coffee)
lunch: grilled salmon with brown rice, seaweed salad
dinner: thai noodles with fresh vegies and chicken in spicy thai broth, two glasses of wine
notes:
Thursday
bfast: eggs sandwich with roasty veggies (my one bread of the week so far, and I am going to really try to hold tight.)
lunch: two pot stickers, two geoza
dinner: leftover panang curry with rice, 1 soda ( and I am working really hard at this
notes:
Wednesday
bfast: egg whites with tea
lunch: Caesar salad sans croutons
dinner: homemade panang curry, with chicken (boneless/skinless) and tons of veggies served with coconut rice
notes:
Tuesday
bfast: tea, oatmeal, coffee
lunch: Caesar salad sans croutons
dinner: pot stickers and veggies
notes:
Monday
bfast: egg whites with tea
lunch: salad with dark greens, dried cranberries and walnuts
dinner: green chili enchiladas
notes: yogurt

Monday... well so far

Had scrambled egg whites for b-fast with tea
remembered herbs

sipped (okay slammed) a protein shake around 9:30 am
Feel too full now.

Remembered to buy water

Brought a salad to work with me.

Sunday

Couldn't sleep saturday night... finally dropped off right before 6 am... So I slept till noon.


Forgot breakfast

Forgot lunch

Did the what felt like a marathon trek to Trader Joe's in El Cerrito on foot and on BART. I would say I walked for about 3 hours straight... it was a mad house.

Got home

Ate some fettacini remembered herbs (this was 5ish)

Made chicken enchaladas for dinner (this was 8:30 ish)
Forgot herbs

Did a really good job of setting my self up for a good week though.

panic attack

Shortness of breath

The feeling that you can't stop moving

heart pounding way like it is gonna explode out your chest


Good times.


I either lost $150 dollars in cash or worse, my 11 year old son stole it. Either way I have rummaged through my cloths, my room, the place I thought I put it and my only lifeline for it not being stolen is I either lost it... and I am not sure how or I put it in the pocket of my jacket that I left hanging at work. Which I really hope I didn't do as it could have easily fallen out on my way to work yesterday.

Either option has left me with some pretty freaky feelings. During said attack I realized that I hadn't eaten today and it was after 2pm, so I ate 2 casadesa's (corn tortillas) and a bowl of rice cereal and most of it has stopped... all I have now is a heartburny feeling and a headache.

The YK's (Younger Kid - 11) brother has gone to fetch him from the game place... He was playing the draft today from 11am till 4 in a Magic tournament with a buddy. We will be able to know if it was him by the fact he is a crap criminal and he will have ill gotten gains with him if it is so. I really REALLY hope not. While recovering some of the cash will help a lot (it was bill money) it just means I have a much much bigger problem with my son. He hasn't been easy to parent by any means, but I though things were getting better. I really did. I hope they are. Now it is just waiting.

On an up note, after writing a candid note to OK (older kid - 18) about contributing to the house hold cleanliness I actually came home and clean up a bunch... it makes me hopeful.

So my food logging sucks because I have been eating things I am not supposed to.

Let see what I remember from friday

tea in the am with oatmeal and herbs

salmon teriaki and white rice, 3 pieces of california roll, 1 diet dr pepper
herbs when I got back to the office

bowl of stew with bread and butter, 1/2 a diet soda
no herbs till an hour later

second dinner about 9:30ish was past with cheese
no herbs

Thursday, in no particular order

i ice cream cookie sandwich

bowl of stew, with 3 pieces of bread

2 diet soads

no exercises

Wed

at least 2 ice creams and diet soda and god knows what else

back at the coal mines

Ate b-fast..

protein shake and a oatmeal... had raw sugar in it but not a lot. Cup of tea.
Minor acid reaction.. ate tums

mood: little down
energy: tired