notes to self

Be yourself - your brash, blunt upfront, happy puppy self. And fuck the world if they don't god damn love it!

It is okay to want what you want.

sex

kink

friendship

a crash test dummy

toys

affection

conversation

Interview the next person you want to play with

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Horny. Horny like a 14 year old boy - including intellectual capacity.

Fer fuck's sake

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bought some toys. Sent flirty aggressive email. (put myself out there). I am kinda riding the let down that he hasn't called me or responded since Saturday am. Yup in a funk. Despite that I feel good about the (names omitted) thing. I also feel good that I made a move email wise, because if it turns out (as I pessimistically suspect) that he isn't into me, then I would rather know now than a day or two later after I have spent time fantasizing about him - though I may not be able to prevent that. Oh, well. Trying to distract myself with work. Grrrr. Crushes suck. I love having one. I feel alive and hopeful and down all at once. If this one doesn't pan out for not there will be others. And crushes can just be that. And they don't have to pan out into relationship or even friendship. I thing the let down feeling comes from knowing that I want that crushy feeling — and it is much harder to get than a date or sex — and now that I am feeling the beginnings of one I don't want to loose it. I was worried that if I tried to grasp it too hard I would make it slip through my finders — but when I think about dealing with a submissive guy and me being honestly me that is ridiculous. I am brash, bold, upfront and the right kind of guy for me is gonna find that exciting, endearing and attractive. And fuck all the fools who don't.

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I spent the time getting to know him. I liked him, got mentally creative... then NOTHING. FUCKER. Someone is gonna get punished.

I am currently a bit bruised just so you know though. I am coming off a crush on someone... turns out they were less than honest about being into my type (big) and I went and spent the time to get to know them, liked them and then *poof* nothing... which isn't a big deal. Really it is no harm no foul. It would just be a pain in the ass to get all flirty and excited about someone only for it to flop on that basis