So we went to the head shrinker. Filled out all the nasty forms and such. He didn't have much to say... that would be way way to public. After listening to what I had to say and listening to him prattle on and on she basically told us our issues weren't as big as we thought... and that basically we didn't know each other that well. And she will see us in three weeks. Then she gave us an assignment (along with telling us to go to a communication class). She said things needed to cool off. And that we were to write down 5-10 things that make us feel loved. Exchange lists and then do the things on the list. With a warning that the things were supposed to be small thing, do able things. And that not to put things on the list like "make me happy". Immediately there after I took off on a weekend vacation. It was sooooo great. I love it. I love the space and I love being out in the woods etc. After some time away I get to thinking that things aren't so bad... etc. etc. And have quite the hard time coming up with 10 things. I think I made it to 5 things. I worked hard to make sure they were the things that made me happy that weren't to complicated... like sex or things that took a lot of money, effort or time. And I kept it to things that were simple and direct (i.e. 10 min foot rub). I was expecting the same from him. WOW. I severely overestimated the big ole brain on mr 100k+ PhD. Yes I did.
The lazy twat wrote and I quote "be nice to me" , "surprise me", "be affectionate". He got one specific thing out of the 10 things he wrote. And he wrote all these things I "couldn't" do. Like say mean things. But I could tell that in the whole time he wrote it he never once thought about the person who had to do it. Now the counselor did say... "write something honest not what you think your partner wants to hear" but for christs sake I feel like he wrote it specifically to sabotage me. In his head I can never be a bitch or not affectionate, now. Or when I am not feeling affectionate or I am feeling angry with him I get to suppress it all cause it it says on his list "be nice". Well I am not a fucking nice person!!! After 3+ years you would think that someone who can explain different molecules would figure that out. Oh, not to mention I told him that about me right from the start. Did he think I was lying? I am not nice. I am fun, passionate, kind, generous, adventurous, honest, creative, and supportive. But nice I am not. If I am angry you will know it. I will tell the truth even when it might hurt. And I am a bit thick skinned... not insensitive mind you... I just am not going to show everyone and sundry what is going down with me. Now the next appointment isn't for 3 fricking weeks. 3 weeks of him getting his way and being a big ole lazy baby. We need to work on this more frequently or I need to go. Yup. I do. I want more vacation. Yes I do.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
The YoYo...
This is a chronological place holder till I get home tonight... cause I left a few files there.
Little Boys
I will post this entry tonight. I am at work now and am using this post as a place holder so the chronological order is maintained. And I left what I wrote at home... duh.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
I think that wrong number was a sign
I really do. A the end of a total fuck off of a day (12.5 hours behind soul sucking cubicle walls) while walking to drop off stuff for work I check my messages. The first message was really unexpected. A deep voice belonging in a church choir informs me he is calling back about the apartment and that he is showing it from such in such to such and such... I haven't called any apartments... well at least not physically. Haven't even dailed/emailed but lo and behold they are calling me. I should have taken note and not erased that message.
The next voice mail was a charmer. Nick is this pissy voice telling me that the mail I really needed didn't come. No pay for me, oh, goody, just the thing to go with a sour teenager. When I called back the conversation with both Nick and Mark on the line was really special too but that is a story for another day... let us just say the phone conversation was brief entailing the fact I didn't get the check I needed and some more complainy tone from both of them. I was topped out to say the least.
But let me take you back. Mark was really good to me last week. I was starting to think he had gotten a clue. And I was good to him back. I was all fake and everything for his folks (so they would be comforatable and he wouldn't have to "dissapoint" them) and spent my only real free time doing the stuff he wanted to do and needed for his parent. I didn't mind getting out fresh towels, or giving up my bed or all the other host stuff you do. It was having to button my lip while the said how great Dublin was and espoused the wonders of Walmart. Or when they denigrated ethnic food because it might have "flavor". Or when the forced me to have my picture taken despite the fact I had said I really didn't want it taken. Or when I had to agree with the stupid little things like "yes, visitors to SF only ever go to Fisherman's wharf" blah blah blah. I was even sat through a thing with all Mark's friend where they talked about their BMW's, the prices of homes in Tracy and how they couldn't trust their teenage daughter with a car that had a back seat... cause you know girls can't be trusted and sex is bad. "ha, ha, ha" I was affectionate with him when he was nice to me. And when he actually folded some laundry I was nice and took care of some of his stuff. I put energy and thought and a huge effort into being honest but not too brutal. I did the little things I thought would make his life easier without being asked. And it was starting to feel natural and easy to be around him. Well his parents left and it all came crashing down. And all the pleasantness went away. It makes me wonder if he wants to be with me or just doesn't want to be alone. Or if he was just faking it to look good for his folks. Or did he think that if he was cool for a week and that was going to change everything and make it magically better. Or that a little bit of kindness should be enough to keep me for a while and that it was enough.
Not to say that I am without fault. I was snappy when I got in last night. And after I cooled down, I apologized for it. I had my reasons (legit ones) but I could have gone about communicating them without being a bitch. I said as much. He proceeds to rain down a 15 min. "you suck, if you are ever a bitch to me I am leaving you" accompanied by all the reasons that I am not good enough for him. I point out I am very rarely a bitch to him... he agrees, then continues to spew his venom on everything I have done/not done that isn't good enough or right enough to him. Just when he was getting all into it and I felt me spirit being crushed I hit a wall. I said enough. I got up and headed to the door. He fucking threatened me. "If you walk away we're through!". Bite me. I will not be held hostage to emotional blackmail so I can be someone's whipping boy – all because I am not happy being twisted into someone I am not. Someone I don't want to be. I said straight up that I would not take ultimatums or threats and out the door I went. For the record I won't ever take that again in life. I am an adult and I have the power to end it. And so I did.
Like a good little blogger I went up to write it all out. He busts in before I even get to the third sentence with tears and more yelling and such. I point out that he was raining down on me the same shit that he said he didn't want, only a thousand fold. He admitted he was... and nothing changed. He admits to being a twat but still can't hear me when I say I am profoundly fucking unhappy and sad. All he can say is that all the work I have been doing is outstanding but ignores it when I say it is killing me body and soul. When I say that I feel like I am disappearing because the navaho white wall of the house don't encompass a place for me to create anything all he does is nod his head. As if to say that is a drag but isn't everything here so nice.
Nice. I am coming to hate nice. Everyone has to be so nice. And aren't cookie cutter houses nice. And aren't perfect lawns nice. And isn't Mervyn's so nice. That shopping mall is so Nice. And why don't we do the same Nice crap until we are nicely just like everyone else, marching through their nice lives making sure to buy the same nice stuff that is going to make them nicely happy little hollow fucks.
It all came to nothing. I had to go to sleep. I had nothing left. Nothing for him. Nothing left for the boys. And nothing left for me. I was too tired to even eat dinner. As I went to sleep that message on my voice mail plays back in my head.
It is still playing now.
The next voice mail was a charmer. Nick is this pissy voice telling me that the mail I really needed didn't come. No pay for me, oh, goody, just the thing to go with a sour teenager. When I called back the conversation with both Nick and Mark on the line was really special too but that is a story for another day... let us just say the phone conversation was brief entailing the fact I didn't get the check I needed and some more complainy tone from both of them. I was topped out to say the least.
But let me take you back. Mark was really good to me last week. I was starting to think he had gotten a clue. And I was good to him back. I was all fake and everything for his folks (so they would be comforatable and he wouldn't have to "dissapoint" them) and spent my only real free time doing the stuff he wanted to do and needed for his parent. I didn't mind getting out fresh towels, or giving up my bed or all the other host stuff you do. It was having to button my lip while the said how great Dublin was and espoused the wonders of Walmart. Or when they denigrated ethnic food because it might have "flavor". Or when the forced me to have my picture taken despite the fact I had said I really didn't want it taken. Or when I had to agree with the stupid little things like "yes, visitors to SF only ever go to Fisherman's wharf" blah blah blah. I was even sat through a thing with all Mark's friend where they talked about their BMW's, the prices of homes in Tracy and how they couldn't trust their teenage daughter with a car that had a back seat... cause you know girls can't be trusted and sex is bad. "ha, ha, ha" I was affectionate with him when he was nice to me. And when he actually folded some laundry I was nice and took care of some of his stuff. I put energy and thought and a huge effort into being honest but not too brutal. I did the little things I thought would make his life easier without being asked. And it was starting to feel natural and easy to be around him. Well his parents left and it all came crashing down. And all the pleasantness went away. It makes me wonder if he wants to be with me or just doesn't want to be alone. Or if he was just faking it to look good for his folks. Or did he think that if he was cool for a week and that was going to change everything and make it magically better. Or that a little bit of kindness should be enough to keep me for a while and that it was enough.
Not to say that I am without fault. I was snappy when I got in last night. And after I cooled down, I apologized for it. I had my reasons (legit ones) but I could have gone about communicating them without being a bitch. I said as much. He proceeds to rain down a 15 min. "you suck, if you are ever a bitch to me I am leaving you" accompanied by all the reasons that I am not good enough for him. I point out I am very rarely a bitch to him... he agrees, then continues to spew his venom on everything I have done/not done that isn't good enough or right enough to him. Just when he was getting all into it and I felt me spirit being crushed I hit a wall. I said enough. I got up and headed to the door. He fucking threatened me. "If you walk away we're through!". Bite me. I will not be held hostage to emotional blackmail so I can be someone's whipping boy – all because I am not happy being twisted into someone I am not. Someone I don't want to be. I said straight up that I would not take ultimatums or threats and out the door I went. For the record I won't ever take that again in life. I am an adult and I have the power to end it. And so I did.
Like a good little blogger I went up to write it all out. He busts in before I even get to the third sentence with tears and more yelling and such. I point out that he was raining down on me the same shit that he said he didn't want, only a thousand fold. He admitted he was... and nothing changed. He admits to being a twat but still can't hear me when I say I am profoundly fucking unhappy and sad. All he can say is that all the work I have been doing is outstanding but ignores it when I say it is killing me body and soul. When I say that I feel like I am disappearing because the navaho white wall of the house don't encompass a place for me to create anything all he does is nod his head. As if to say that is a drag but isn't everything here so nice.
Nice. I am coming to hate nice. Everyone has to be so nice. And aren't cookie cutter houses nice. And aren't perfect lawns nice. And isn't Mervyn's so nice. That shopping mall is so Nice. And why don't we do the same Nice crap until we are nicely just like everyone else, marching through their nice lives making sure to buy the same nice stuff that is going to make them nicely happy little hollow fucks.
It all came to nothing. I had to go to sleep. I had nothing left. Nothing for him. Nothing left for the boys. And nothing left for me. I was too tired to even eat dinner. As I went to sleep that message on my voice mail plays back in my head.
It is still playing now.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Am I your mother now...????
So I told boy-o I was taking some time off the whole mess. I did not ask... I took it. I wanted it understood that this isn't a negotiation, a debate or something I was going to have to "pay" for one way or another. And I wasn't going to feel bad about it. I am not doing it "to him"... I am just doing something for myself. I wasn't angry or cutting or mean. I was personally responsible and just said it like it was — then promptly took myself off to the couch to sleep* with the blanket I liked without having to deal with his huffy puffy everything must be in order "oh, did you want to sleep somewhere besides the edge of the mattress" self. He started with the same old tears and quite frankly I wasn't having it. It was all self indulgent and manipulative and I wasn't buying into another of his crying fests where nothing goes anywhere and all that happens is we are a bit nicer to each other for a few days then it all fades back to the soul suck gas chamber that my relationship is slowing turning into. (sorry for the run on sentences.) Boo Hoo so he is scared. Boo hoo so he is angry. Boo hoo so he misses me. When he laid that one on me the first thing that popped into my head was "If you miss me so much why don't you stop trying to change me." And I told him so after thinking about it for a min or two. He of course was taken aback. Usually he can push all my emotional buttons with that crap. My "oh, he needs me button", My "oh, he wants me button", My "oh, he has an owhie... let me make it better button" . Am I his mother or his lover... cause I would really like to know just what he is thinking with that. Well after three years I am over it. I guess he pushed those buttons so many times they are just plain broke. Like the record he keeps on playing.
Well the look of irked shock appeared on his face turning into the mug of a petulant child. Like I had sworn forever to react the same way to the same shit in blood. Pahleeeze.
Any how he had a day to think about. And he writes me an email mid day say things like " I feel better about our relationship" and " respect that you need space..." "blah, blah, blah". When I read it I naively though that he meant what he said... well as he wrote it. HA! He goes about the rest of life like I never even said anything. Kiss kiss, come talk to me, my parents, my work, my yadda yadda. Dude. What part of I am taking a break from you, from trying to do things with you did you not understand?! Common courtesy is great and all. Polite affection - great. But don't take up my time. And I do mean MY time. And when you do take up my time and I am not all reciprocal with the engagement into conversation or physical affection don't be surprised. Well he was surprised. In fact he wanted to have a conversation about when he kissed me good night. Now please take into account that when he did I didn't shy way or duck I just wasn't all warm and fuzzy. Well I am in the middle of my wind down getting ready to do to sleep and he trots up and want to talk about it. He want me to tell him in definitive terms what he should and shouldn't do. For fuck sake. I don't want to spend my time telling him what to do and when to do or not do it. I don't want to spend my time thinking about it. And for all the beans in mexico I sure as hell don't want to talk about it. I told him I was ambivalent and that while not the black/white answer he wanted was what I had to offer. And once again I got treated to a view of the look of irked shock on his face. Oh, boy. Now isn't that relaxing.
I need to let it all go for the day and find something yummy to think about. Like hanging out with my friends and such. Or seeing something new or maybe anything at all... like a new painting. Oh, ya... Hmmm baby.
* (where btw, I had nice nights sleep on my own and was a lot more satisfied wink, wink. It was so peaceful... So much so that it could come as little surprise that I am sleeping there again)
Well the look of irked shock appeared on his face turning into the mug of a petulant child. Like I had sworn forever to react the same way to the same shit in blood. Pahleeeze.
Any how he had a day to think about. And he writes me an email mid day say things like " I feel better about our relationship" and " respect that you need space..." "blah, blah, blah". When I read it I naively though that he meant what he said... well as he wrote it. HA! He goes about the rest of life like I never even said anything. Kiss kiss, come talk to me, my parents, my work, my yadda yadda. Dude. What part of I am taking a break from you, from trying to do things with you did you not understand?! Common courtesy is great and all. Polite affection - great. But don't take up my time. And I do mean MY time. And when you do take up my time and I am not all reciprocal with the engagement into conversation or physical affection don't be surprised. Well he was surprised. In fact he wanted to have a conversation about when he kissed me good night. Now please take into account that when he did I didn't shy way or duck I just wasn't all warm and fuzzy. Well I am in the middle of my wind down getting ready to do to sleep and he trots up and want to talk about it. He want me to tell him in definitive terms what he should and shouldn't do. For fuck sake. I don't want to spend my time telling him what to do and when to do or not do it. I don't want to spend my time thinking about it. And for all the beans in mexico I sure as hell don't want to talk about it. I told him I was ambivalent and that while not the black/white answer he wanted was what I had to offer. And once again I got treated to a view of the look of irked shock on his face. Oh, boy. Now isn't that relaxing.
I need to let it all go for the day and find something yummy to think about. Like hanging out with my friends and such. Or seeing something new or maybe anything at all... like a new painting. Oh, ya... Hmmm baby.
* (where btw, I had nice nights sleep on my own and was a lot more satisfied wink, wink. It was so peaceful... So much so that it could come as little surprise that I am sleeping there again)
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Laundry
The chasm between us can be typified by laundry. We have live together for over year but there are still two kinds of laundry... his laundry and my laundry (consisting of all laundry that isn't his personal laundry). Every Sunday he clears the laundry room and like a meticulously timed clock moves his laundry about until it is done. Not that he reads the labels - philistine. Who pays $130 for a pair of jeans and then doesn't read the label?? Not that he knew what a well cut pair of jeans were before I did the queer eye thing for him for his birthday. Anyhow. Less on the source of laundry than on the politics of laundry.
Let me take you to this sunday. It was mothers day. He bought breakfast stuff and some flowers and my 16 year old cooked breakfast ( yummy, he is a good cook) and it was really nice. Nothing over the top... no coffee. All in all I thought it was really nice. Anyhow He (the man not my boy) cleaned the kitchen afterwards... bitched about it the whole time. In fact bitched about it the whole day. While I worked. The whole day. Oh, I took 30 min to go have a bath. Anyhow. He does his laundry as he does every Sunday as if not doing so would somehow upset the delicate balance that keeps the world spinning. Uses all the laundry soap. It never even occurs to him that I too will need to go to work tomorrow. Children will need to go to school. In fact he doesn't even mention it. I get to find out the hard way when I go to wash something for work at 8ish when I could no longer look at the TV screen. Myopic that is what he is. It never occurs to him to just do something together. And when he does (i.e. breakfast) I am made to pay for it. How nice is that. Grrrrh. Anyhow now he is confused that I don't want much to do with him. Why should I. Will I ever iron his shirts just to be nice again?? I think not.
Right now there is this brit pop song rolling through my head. The refrain goes "Everyday I love you less and less". I fantasize about little two bedroom ghetto apartments with just me and the boys. Some where were people are more (and less) than just safe about every choice they ever make. And things aren't perfect and they aren't beige and they don't have to be either. Fucking laundry.
Let me take you to this sunday. It was mothers day. He bought breakfast stuff and some flowers and my 16 year old cooked breakfast ( yummy, he is a good cook) and it was really nice. Nothing over the top... no coffee. All in all I thought it was really nice. Anyhow He (the man not my boy) cleaned the kitchen afterwards... bitched about it the whole time. In fact bitched about it the whole day. While I worked. The whole day. Oh, I took 30 min to go have a bath. Anyhow. He does his laundry as he does every Sunday as if not doing so would somehow upset the delicate balance that keeps the world spinning. Uses all the laundry soap. It never even occurs to him that I too will need to go to work tomorrow. Children will need to go to school. In fact he doesn't even mention it. I get to find out the hard way when I go to wash something for work at 8ish when I could no longer look at the TV screen. Myopic that is what he is. It never occurs to him to just do something together. And when he does (i.e. breakfast) I am made to pay for it. How nice is that. Grrrrh. Anyhow now he is confused that I don't want much to do with him. Why should I. Will I ever iron his shirts just to be nice again?? I think not.
Right now there is this brit pop song rolling through my head. The refrain goes "Everyday I love you less and less". I fantasize about little two bedroom ghetto apartments with just me and the boys. Some where were people are more (and less) than just safe about every choice they ever make. And things aren't perfect and they aren't beige and they don't have to be either. Fucking laundry.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Settling Down
Some backstorie
He: Only Child, Never live with someone before. This is only his second LTR. Great job. Super brain. Very high geek factor. Bad fashion sense but not hopless.
He: Only Child, Never live with someone before. This is only his second LTR. Great job. Super brain. Very high geek factor. Bad fashion sense but not hopless.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Sound
Every little sound he makes seems like a stabbing pricks from broken glass scraping my ear drums. I know my irritation is out of proportion but still there it is. The smell coming from the microwave as he nukes his left over steak is like an acid could offending my every olfactory nerve. What has prompted such a reaction, you say?
As of yesterday afternoon everything had been going fairly well for about a week, considering ( I am broke and he is covering the bills till I get paid). Hell he even put out for the first time in like 3 weeks. Then I got a bit of money the other day, and a whopping 19.85 was left over after I paid to put gas in my car, bus fair for the kids and bart fair to go to work. So think it would be a good idea to buy food, I went to the store. Picked up the finest 19.85 can get you. Namely some pasta, top ramen, the stuff for a good thai veggie curry, some cereal and milk. Some popcorn for kid snacks.
Well when I get home and things get put away I am informed "I am going to Safeway.. I am not in the mood for Popcorn or Top Ramen... I want something substantial" "So veggie curry and jasmine rice isn't substantial enough for you??" He just pouts pulls this awful face and off he goes. He buys him self a steak with some frozen cheesy veggie side. The night goes on... he bbq's his steak and so on. I meanwhile must feed the 9 year old (his 16 year old brother isn't home tonight) and I make the kid some ramen noodles with veggies as I had decided to save the curry meal for when everyone is home. So there he is eating his steak while the 9 year old is asking me why he doesn't get any.
I hope that steak was like ashes in his mouth sitting and watching the sad eyed, sick little boy across the table from him. What a twat. If he wanted a steak and didn't want to treat the least he could do is go somewhere and have one. he didn't need to rub it in everyone's face. And the whole time he acted like he was the victim.
Grrh. What an ass.
As of yesterday afternoon everything had been going fairly well for about a week, considering ( I am broke and he is covering the bills till I get paid). Hell he even put out for the first time in like 3 weeks. Then I got a bit of money the other day, and a whopping 19.85 was left over after I paid to put gas in my car, bus fair for the kids and bart fair to go to work. So think it would be a good idea to buy food, I went to the store. Picked up the finest 19.85 can get you. Namely some pasta, top ramen, the stuff for a good thai veggie curry, some cereal and milk. Some popcorn for kid snacks.
Well when I get home and things get put away I am informed "I am going to Safeway.. I am not in the mood for Popcorn or Top Ramen... I want something substantial" "So veggie curry and jasmine rice isn't substantial enough for you??" He just pouts pulls this awful face and off he goes. He buys him self a steak with some frozen cheesy veggie side. The night goes on... he bbq's his steak and so on. I meanwhile must feed the 9 year old (his 16 year old brother isn't home tonight) and I make the kid some ramen noodles with veggies as I had decided to save the curry meal for when everyone is home. So there he is eating his steak while the 9 year old is asking me why he doesn't get any.
I hope that steak was like ashes in his mouth sitting and watching the sad eyed, sick little boy across the table from him. What a twat. If he wanted a steak and didn't want to treat the least he could do is go somewhere and have one. he didn't need to rub it in everyone's face. And the whole time he acted like he was the victim.
Grrh. What an ass.
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