Am I your mother now...????

So I told boy-o I was taking some time off the whole mess. I did not ask... I took it. I wanted it understood that this isn't a negotiation, a debate or something I was going to have to "pay" for one way or another. And I wasn't going to feel bad about it. I am not doing it "to him"... I am just doing something for myself. I wasn't angry or cutting or mean. I was personally responsible and just said it like it was — then promptly took myself off to the couch to sleep* with the blanket I liked without having to deal with his huffy puffy everything must be in order "oh, did you want to sleep somewhere besides the edge of the mattress" self. He started with the same old tears and quite frankly I wasn't having it. It was all self indulgent and manipulative and I wasn't buying into another of his crying fests where nothing goes anywhere and all that happens is we are a bit nicer to each other for a few days then it all fades back to the soul suck gas chamber that my relationship is slowing turning into. (sorry for the run on sentences.) Boo Hoo so he is scared. Boo hoo so he is angry. Boo hoo so he misses me. When he laid that one on me the first thing that popped into my head was "If you miss me so much why don't you stop trying to change me." And I told him so after thinking about it for a min or two. He of course was taken aback. Usually he can push all my emotional buttons with that crap. My "oh, he needs me button", My "oh, he wants me button", My "oh, he has an owhie... let me make it better button" . Am I his mother or his lover... cause I would really like to know just what he is thinking with that. Well after three years I am over it. I guess he pushed those buttons so many times they are just plain broke. Like the record he keeps on playing.

Well the look of irked shock appeared on his face turning into the mug of a petulant child. Like I had sworn forever to react the same way to the same shit in blood. Pahleeeze.

Any how he had a day to think about. And he writes me an email mid day say things like " I feel better about our relationship" and " respect that you need space..." "blah, blah, blah". When I read it I naively though that he meant what he said... well as he wrote it. HA! He goes about the rest of life like I never even said anything. Kiss kiss, come talk to me, my parents, my work, my yadda yadda. Dude. What part of I am taking a break from you, from trying to do things with you did you not understand?! Common courtesy is great and all. Polite affection - great. But don't take up my time. And I do mean MY time. And when you do take up my time and I am not all reciprocal with the engagement into conversation or physical affection don't be surprised. Well he was surprised. In fact he wanted to have a conversation about when he kissed me good night. Now please take into account that when he did I didn't shy way or duck I just wasn't all warm and fuzzy. Well I am in the middle of my wind down getting ready to do to sleep and he trots up and want to talk about it. He want me to tell him in definitive terms what he should and shouldn't do. For fuck sake. I don't want to spend my time telling him what to do and when to do or not do it. I don't want to spend my time thinking about it. And for all the beans in mexico I sure as hell don't want to talk about it. I told him I was ambivalent and that while not the black/white answer he wanted was what I had to offer. And once again I got treated to a view of the look of irked shock on his face. Oh, boy. Now isn't that relaxing.

I need to let it all go for the day and find something yummy to think about. Like hanging out with my friends and such. Or seeing something new or maybe anything at all... like a new painting. Oh, ya... Hmmm baby.


* (where btw, I had nice nights sleep on my own and was a lot more satisfied wink, wink. It was so peaceful... So much so that it could come as little surprise that I am sleeping there again)