extras

1 scoop (30g)

calories 94
fat 1.6
carb 2.8
fiber .8
protien 17g

so so so so so tired

and stressed out about money... grrr. Need to make more fast.

Hungry. Tired. Meetings. blahh. I wish someone would just scoop me up and make me go take a nap... can they read me to sleep too? Pretty please.

The lost week

242.6 lbs and gassy as hell

So I consider the last 7 days a lost week. I just wasn't myself. I lost perspective made ungrounded choices and was so alone I was almost hysterically paralyzed by it. I was frantic and I couldn't sleep and I was so so so hungry. And I didn't feel like myself at all. Before surgery I was such a together person and the recovery seems to have taken that all for me. I felt like a slothful tweaker. Well I am trying to make it all stop. I want me back.

Tuesday, May 20th was surgery day. I was super freaked out about weighing in either at or OVER goal weight and I had worked really hard in the weeks before .... but part of that hard work was tripling my work outs. On top of that in previous weigh-in's I was all bloaty from my period. So my numbers sucked. On surgery day at home I was something sick low like 240 but when they weighed me in on this ooooold fashioned scale I was wearing this circus tent of a gown... you could have fit four of me in it. There I was 243. Five lbs under goal weight. The surgeon was really happy with me. Besides being super sick from the anesthetic I think everything went great. I wish I would have walked more that day.

The days afterwards were just this toppsy turvy blur of feeling hungry and sleepless and having bad shoulder pain. My friends were great though. They all helped when they could and were generally outstanding. Despite that I need some nurturing. And I don't think I am gonna get it from friends. But that is the nature of being alone. That fact is the source of a lot of sadness. And I am working on not being alone. Being not alone isn't just about someone taking care of me but also of me taking care of them or just making life more interesting than it is solo. But way back from childhood I have know a lack of care and protection so I crave it deeply and feel it lack profoundly.

Physically a week later I am still having lots of pain in my left shoulder. Ewwww. I go back and fourth between feeling bloated and crampy to being hungry. And I am just ever so focused on food and my body. Christ. I just didn't focus this much on it. But I worked out today!!! Ya. It was only a 30 min. Tae Bo but hell, I broke a sweat and I did it fer fuck's sake.

So I have some new goals. Goal one. Only get on the scale once a week. Goal two. Go back to using this venue as a food log. Goal three. Exercise a min. of once a day.

These are this weeks goals. Next Tuesday I will report on progress.

Long term goals.

1. Find a carpool to the We night support group.
2. Start a "too big" cloths box to give away.
   
3. Start a photo album for the progress of all this. To do this I need to do the following:
   
   
   
   • Find full body photos from before September 2007
   
   
   • Take full body photos every Tuesday night

Today's Intake

4 oz. Unsweetened apple sauce
cal. 50
fat. 0
carb 12
fiber 2
pro 0

Pacific Natural Foods Butternut Squash
3 oz.
cal. 34
fat. .75g
carb 7g
fiber 1g
pro .75g

slice and dice

They did it today. The surgery went well and I now have the lap band. I was down to 243 (with gown) before surgery and I am now 426. Water and such I suspect. I am dosed to high heaven right now. Happy though. I am uber healthy and I couldn't have expected a better result.

Will be more introspective later. Need to write a good bye post to my fat. I am no longer afraid to be me without my suit of fat armor. I am plenty strong enough with out to slay my beasties, be loved, to love, to dance. Life is not a competition.

eeeeek... they are gonna cut me tomorrow

So I did it. Made the weigh in two lbs under goal this morning (246lbs) which means I have lost 25 lbs since I started.

I am gonna find out my time at 1:30 today.

I am totally freaked out but happy

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger

So I have recently found there is an inherent danger in long drawn out email contact without depth. This being contrary to the more obvious danger of email contact with depth with which I have much experience with.

One can start to crush on the idea of what you want someone to be as opposed to who they really are. In fact wanting to be in "like" puts one is a precarious position all together. Not a bad thing but something that one should be aware of. Especially when the person you have contact with (via email mostly) has all the superficial hallmarks of someone I could be really really into - the hallmarks of a perfect boyfriend light (expiration date included).

I think I am spending waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much time in my own head and need to stop being a narcissistic black hole of loneliness. I shall embrace my loneliness and use it's power for good.

song: "The Three of Us - Show Mix"

Loggity Log loggerson - cause it helps

bfast = protein shake (odwalla)
lots of water

lunch = lean cuisine

wt= 247.4

yesterday did pilates + minor swimming
tonight gonna walk a couple of miles

up up up --- ohhhhh, then down

and if only I was talking about my weight and not my mood. I was such a moody freak this weekend. Only a PMSing pinched freak like me could manage not to have fun at a beer festival.

Grrrr. I think the come down is part of not working out enough last week and being all worked up about the snipping on the 20th has me feeling blue. Of course my timing is most excellent and I mixed all of those things in with a good does of mother's day blues.

Eeeeek. This will get better.


b-fast
1 protein bar

lunch
lean cuisine

drank lots and lots

What numbers don't mean

So last week I worked my ass off and I have been doing pretty good with the food. But I checked the scale this morning and it looks like I am gaining weight. I know I am bloating (PMS) and hopefully gaining muscle. With that in mind I don't want to slack off and am looking good diet for my liver for next week.

I am also gonna get a tape measure to see if I am at least going down in volume if not in weight.

Trying very hard to stay in good spirits.

draggin' and braggin'

So I am still draggin' ass here on tuesday but I must do a little bit of bragging. I really really got off my ass last week.

Sunday - Swam for 45 min
Monday - Cardio Kickboxing
Tuesday - Carido Kickboxing + Swimming
Wednesday - biked like a fiend
Thursday - Swimming 45 min
Friday - Aikido 2 hours
Saturday - biked for 1.5 hours
Sunday - Aikido 1.5 hours

Mouuuhahhhahhaha.

On body Image

Very odd. I was on the platform after seeing the folks at Kaiser and getting my surgery date and had an epiphany. I am perfectly okay they way I am and if my body doesn't change that is okay too. I am cute and good enough - dare I say worthy of all the things I want to get/give. Ya, know like love, sex, attention, time. I think this is the first time I was truly aware of being okay with myself since I was about 3 years old. It is nice and strange.

On another note, what with the surgery being in three min or less I am gonna have to slow down on the dating... In all honesty I would rather be spending my time working out or finding a way to do martial arts again.