The lost week

242.6 lbs and gassy as hell

So I consider the last 7 days a lost week. I just wasn't myself. I lost perspective made ungrounded choices and was so alone I was almost hysterically paralyzed by it. I was frantic and I couldn't sleep and I was so so so hungry. And I didn't feel like myself at all. Before surgery I was such a together person and the recovery seems to have taken that all for me. I felt like a slothful tweaker. Well I am trying to make it all stop. I want me back.

Tuesday, May 20th was surgery day. I was super freaked out about weighing in either at or OVER goal weight and I had worked really hard in the weeks before .... but part of that hard work was tripling my work outs. On top of that in previous weigh-in's I was all bloaty from my period. So my numbers sucked. On surgery day at home I was something sick low like 240 but when they weighed me in on this ooooold fashioned scale I was wearing this circus tent of a gown... you could have fit four of me in it. There I was 243. Five lbs under goal weight. The surgeon was really happy with me. Besides being super sick from the anesthetic I think everything went great. I wish I would have walked more that day.

The days afterwards were just this toppsy turvy blur of feeling hungry and sleepless and having bad shoulder pain. My friends were great though. They all helped when they could and were generally outstanding. Despite that I need some nurturing. And I don't think I am gonna get it from friends. But that is the nature of being alone. That fact is the source of a lot of sadness. And I am working on not being alone. Being not alone isn't just about someone taking care of me but also of me taking care of them or just making life more interesting than it is solo. But way back from childhood I have know a lack of care and protection so I crave it deeply and feel it lack profoundly.

Physically a week later I am still having lots of pain in my left shoulder. Ewwww. I go back and fourth between feeling bloated and crampy to being hungry. And I am just ever so focused on food and my body. Christ. I just didn't focus this much on it. But I worked out today!!! Ya. It was only a 30 min. Tae Bo but hell, I broke a sweat and I did it fer fuck's sake.

So I have some new goals. Goal one. Only get on the scale once a week. Goal two. Go back to using this venue as a food log. Goal three. Exercise a min. of once a day.

These are this weeks goals. Next Tuesday I will report on progress.

Long term goals.

1. Find a carpool to the We night support group.
2. Start a "too big" cloths box to give away.
   
3. Start a photo album for the progress of all this. To do this I need to do the following:
   
   
   
   • Find full body photos from before September 2007
   
   
   • Take full body photos every Tuesday night

Today's Intake

4 oz. Unsweetened apple sauce
cal. 50
fat. 0
carb 12
fiber 2
pro 0

Pacific Natural Foods Butternut Squash
3 oz.
cal. 34
fat. .75g
carb 7g
fiber 1g
pro .75g