Weight from the outside

Hmmm. It is pretty interesting. I just lost 20 lbs. (don't get too excited, out of 120 that needed/needs to go.)

I am in the middle of the expierince when folks notice and their reactions when I share. It is pretty crazy both the internal and external reactions.

Internally I am working hard on not getting arificially elated. I mean, this isn't as important to me as finishing and art project or buying a car... why get that stoked? Feel good yes, cause it is something accomplished with work... therefore success but not the be all and end all of my self value. I was super cool with the 20lbs and I am super cool without it. The only difference is the size of pants I am wearing when it comes down to it.

Externally, wow the praise when people notice... it is crazy. So much validation... hmm, there is a v word... like value... I am worth more to society as a thinner person is the message I am getting. According to the outside western world I am worthy of more. Ewwwwwhhhhhhh!!!! God that is gross. I don't value that... it doesn't line up with my moral code.

Yes, I do want to be seen as worthy of good stuff including love, praise and reccognition. It is a basic human need I have just like all the other monkey's. But to have my value broken down to a pants size... and to have the very painful price I have paid to lose the weight be praise no matter how destructive. Fucking hell. That is messed up.

So, here I am in the moment. I am pointing out a teachable moment to myself. I am not the skewed values of others, society at large or men. I am not going to value my self by the number on a pair or pants or on a scale. I am just going to do what makes my body feel good... and fuck the judgment and opinions.