responding for self

This was astring of email that got sent between me and my 36 year old younger sister. I spewed it all out here cause it was either this become a crying mess at work.

This was the email that started the trail:
The email I sent her when I was pissed off... still was days later:

Ya know what Sara. Keep your money. I will do a payday advance and pay the extra 55 dollars to get the phone I need to function as a parent.

Sometimes I just don't get you. You act so insecure and you say you want to build strong relationships but even with the sane members of your family you don't extend yourself. You keep score and put yourself first ALL the time. Strong relationships involve good communication and clocking time together and sometimes giving of yourself without begrudging it. They mean being there in meaningful ways not just material ways. You don't do those things. You act like a island and then complain that you don't have intimate friends/boyfriends/relationships. You are around for when things are fun or when you need something - a shoulder, technical advice, professional advice or whatever.

I come to you as a sister to talk about your nephew who needs help (more than once) and all you do is lament about "what is gonna happen to him..." and then you move on. With your actions you just write him off. You blow smoke about doing things with him (and nick when he was younger) only to interact with them about 4 times a year.

I have changed my plans, waited whole afternoons and opened my home to you for free for months on end. None of which I regret. That is what you are supposed to do for your community members. You say you want community but you don't act like it. People I have know for less than two years are more engaged and reciprocal in my life and in the the lives of my children.

I am just so frustrated with you. And quite frankly hurt. I love you but I just don't want to emotionally engage with someone so focused on themselves.

That was quite some email you sent me. I was taken aback and needed a bit of time to process it and try to find what the core issue is and the what the truth and falsehood is in it.

"How can you figure out a core issue on your own. You didn't ask me what I meant at any point. So your discoveries are one sided and based on only her point of view. That is one of my core issues. You are what you accuse me of being - reactionary, one sided and forgetful."

There are some things you wrote that resonate and make me think. I have in some ways kept myself at an emotional distance with you. You are a newish person to me. You said that you are closer to people that you've known for less time or they are "there" for you more, but you have not taken to account a huge element of our relationship.

"to clarify, people I have know for less than you have been "back" on the scene are more involved in my life, hazzy's life and us in theirs. Quite simply put they show up."

We are from the same family. All of the lies, pain and betrayal that this simple statement means is huge, scary and complicated. Don't dismiss it and don't ignore this underlined force at play in our relationship. Can two years eradicate the fear and mistrust we have regarding any member of our family? As much as you would like to forget your past, you can't. No one can. They would be lying to themselves. As much as my childhood or some things I've done or said in the past that I don't like, I am not going to try to pretend that any of it doesn't exist.

"I don't want nor think that our history - my ugly parts, your ugly parts - and the ugly parts inflicted upon us didn't happen. But I don't live with them as a constant millstone about my neck. At one point or another childhood is something that in a lot of ways I got over. If I didn't and don't continue to then all I would be is a flawed, fucked up mess still doing drugs in some trashy room. It is a choice I made after much pain and counseling. It isn't forgiveness for those who damaged me or forgiveness for myself. It is a choice to live as a person I love and respect to the best of my ability. Am I perfect at it? No. But for fuck's sake when I think about the passage of time and something that happened more than 15 years ago I choose to just get over it. I don't owe you for us having a crappy childhood. It is not a debt. It just is."

You have turned your life around. I'm continually impressed and amazed by you achievements and admire you. Knowing your past as I do, I can fully appreciate the change. But you were not always this way, trustworthy or honest. You used to lie, cheat and use people to get your way. I haven't seen that person in a long time and don't think I will but I can't ignore that I was acquainted with her.

"I know that I did a lot of ugly things. I don't pretend I wasn't a shit as a person. I don't pretend not to have hurt you. That was 15 years ago. I don't expect instant trust from you. I never did and never will really expect trust or even approval for that matter. You also assume you know all my past. You don't. Not even the parts where we were children together. I don't know all your past. I am taking you on face value of who you are with me now as an adult. That doesn't mean that I utterly trust you. It means that I give you the opportunity to earn my trust, hope I can earn yours in return. It means that I give you my energy as I can. It means that I let you into my heart, my life and the lives of my children. It means that I put myself in a position to be upset by you. I means that I hope we can learn how to be friends even though we are very very different and always have been. If you can't get over it then it is best that you be up front about that." 

You are right that building relationships is about being there in multiple ways, sometimes materially but always emotionally. I thought we were doing pretty good so far. Sometimes we get wrapped up in our own individual dramas but we still come together after a time. Oh, and if you think that I'm the only one that gets wrapped up in my dramas, think again. Until fairly recently, you were so focused on dating and your social life that whenever I introduced a different topic you, would soon after end the conversation. It made me frustrated but I knew that you were going through a big process and knew you would find a balance. And you did.

"We were not doing pretty good from my point of view. We were getting better at it. But you and I see things very differently and finding common ground is very hard. I don't think we are the best listeners for each other. And I don't think that you are the only one that gets wrapped up in your own drama's - I know I am not immune. And if I wasn't giving you the air time or whatever you needed from me in a conversation - you need to tell me because I am not a mind reader. To be honest when I used to cut you off it was because you get really negative and judgmental. And I feel attacked and blamed and just straight up bummed out. So I would cut it off. You stopped doing that quite so much and I tired different things like changing the subject when I felt like a big fat bitch fest" 

Shall I address some of the specific things that you level at me? I usually hesitate being unsparingly honest with you and prefer to have a leisurely dialogue. Usually your first reaction to criticism is one of denial and defensiveness, which results in you closing your mind. Zero to sixty in five seconds. But maybe, I have been doing you a disservice.

"Criticism! Who the fuck sets out to critisize their friends and loved one's? The way you go about providing information you feel I need to hear as "unsparingly honest" is not one I handle well. And yes I have very "in the moment" strong reactions to some of the things you say and how you say them. As for doing me a disservice I don't think you were doing it for my benefit alone. You were being a bitch and I quit talking to you when all you could do was give mean advice about parenting or about my personal style. You and I don't fight well. You can't beat me down with your version of logic like you can with other people. And I don't think you liked the reaction you got with your "unsparing honesty". You "spared" me as much for your benefit as mine. I spare my friends and loved one's my honesty when a) nobody asked me my opinion b) I am not prepared to back up my honesty with actions c) when I think it will cause more hurt than help d) when I think it will damage the relationship beyond recovery and leave everyone more ass-out then they already where. I will keep my critisizims to my self. I will honestly express how I feel or what I think when I believe it is the right thing to do FOR THE OTHER PERSON for FOR THE RELATIONSHIP. I don't think they are mutually exclusive." 

"need a phone to function as a parent"
No, because you have spent the majority of your parenting time sans cell phone. What you really meant was "to function socially". I totally agree and want you to have a fabulous social life.

" I appreciate that that is how you feel.. but you are wrong. The cell phone is how I stay in touch with him when I am in meetings, or commuting or not at home. It is how his teachers call me. It is the number his friends parents have. Yes, it has social benefits I don't deny it. And for your information I have had some sort of cell phone off and on for many more years than you have had one. Btw, I got mine restored with the help of my community and not through a loan."

"keep score"
Of what exactly? Money? Certainly not. Think back to the past year or so and the times when you borrowed ten, twenty, sixty dollars to which I never brought up until now. And frankly, I don't care about the money! If I didn't want to give it, I wouldn't.

"That is not how I meant keeping score. I do appreciate the pocket money you have lent me.  I am sorry if you interpreted it that way. What I meant was you keeping score from childhood. What I meant about keeping score wasn't in a competitive way... it was a reference to feeling like you are sitting on high with a report card and making black marks on it."

Or the dinners out that we have shared in which I have picked up the tab with pleasure and never suggested the it was "your turn". I have done these things because I want to. We both like to have a nice time out and it gives us a chance to catch up. I understand the financial burden you are under and now that I am a little more financially solvent, I am happy that I have the ability. I consider it an opportunity to say "thank you" for helping me as you have many times in the past.

"I went to those dinners because you wanted to go out. That was my mistake. I felt weird about not picking up my half of the check. I won't keep making those mistakes. I thought going out with you was meeting you on your terms. I much rather would have done something I could have afforded or clocked time with you doing something that didn't cost money. But it seemed so important to you to have a treat. Those treats were nice but not what mattered to me. Spending time with you is what mattered to me. Not making every time we got together all about doing it my way was important to me. Not the where or the what. It never was."

"put myself first"
I am not you. I am an unmarried person who doesn't have kids. I think all of us are in many ways focused on ourselves. Am I more then any other person? I don't know. I meditate on mine and others vanity, greed and self-interest often and find it is a continuous condition of human nature. Part of my journey as a person is to strive to become the person I want to be. Virtuous, compassionate, generous and pacient with others and also myself.

"I don't expect you to be me. You have spend your adult life primarily alone. I have spent my adult life primarily with people. We have very little understanding of the others life experience and we have gained very different skill sets by living those lives. I don't think that makes me a better person. I don't think it make you a better person. I do think it gives you and I very different perspectives and values. You say you are striving to be a compassionate person but I don't think treating people the way you want to be treated is compassionate. It is controlling. Being compassionate means meeting people on their terms sometimes. Outside of your work, not counting me, when was the last time you did something for someone else freely? Meaningfully? Without having to control it or run the show your way?" 

You are not immune, my dear, to doing what is convenient for you to do. Did you ever visit me when I was going through cancer? Or when I had graduated college?

"I don't think I am immune. I look myself in the mirror and I don't see perfection in that way. I fuck up. I get wrapped in my own stresses and woes. I try to do better with my actions all the time. I am sorry I wasn't there for you when you had cancer. That just sucks. I didn't know you (and only know you a tiny bit better now) and you scare me. That isn't an excuse - it is just true. As for when you graduated collage I didn't have the resources to come to Santa Cruz but I did the best I could with what I had which was send you FTD. I didn't forget, told you I was proud of you, helped you with your party invite and gave you the energy I could. It obviously wasn't what you wanted and it makes me sad to think I missed the target so widely."

I've let it go. Sometimes you have got to let these things go or it will haunt you and lay another brick on the wall of anger we all have around ourselves. I hate that I even had to bring these things to up make my point.

"I don't think you have let it go. Maybe you made it manageable but if you had let it go you wouldn't have brought it up." 

I stopped thinking of our relationship as conventionally sister-like a long time ago. It is how it is and we do what we can. Am I cold hearted and unsentimental about the conventions of families like Christmas or birthdays or Easter and the movie of the week schmaltz that tells us how relationships are "supposed" to be? I've had to let go of that fantasy a long time ago and accept people for who they are.

"Sara, the person I am values traditions even made up ones. I value making a version of those things you are disparaging. You purport to accept me (I am people) as I am but you aren't excepting of that. I don't expect you to honor my holidays. You should know though that having traditions and rituals has value for me. I hope that you would want to be part of something that has value for me and for the boys. Not all the time but in a way that works for you. But I really haven't seen that. I wouldn't have cared if you said that May 22nd was Sara Is Here Day and we all got on the phone and told jokes. I am sad that something that means so much to me, is so much a part of the little family I am building means nothing to you."

"don't spend time with your nephew"
Your right. I don't spend time with my nephews. Yet, all that anger should be directed toward the fathers of my nephews that let you down.
" Whoa. The anger I am directing at you is for you and you alone. The anger I have with my ex-husband is exclusively his and is proportional to his actions. Yours is proportional to your actions, and words, and promises broken. You made a false, though understandable assumption."


Sorry to break this reality to you, but you knew what you were getting into when you had your first child at eighteen.

"Bullshit. No 18 year old knows what they are signing up for. Did I make my own choices? Yes. Do they result in a life that involves scarafice? Yes. Is it really fucking hard sometimes? Yes. Do I regret it? No."

Did we grow up in a cookie cutter family that never knew single parents or sacrifice? You "lament" that you are the only one responsible...and?
"I do lament that I don't have a stronger extended family. I don't think that is anyone's fault. But I am not going to appologize for wishing it wasn't so. And I am not going to embrace someone into my life and family that doesn't desire to give as much as receive."
You grew up knowing what was in store for a single mom. Don't play ignorance with me. I ain't buying. Am I a calling card for our family and your disappointed expectations?

"No, you are not a calling card. And while I had an idea of what was in store I really didn't know. I wanted something different than what we had. And to some degree I have succeeded. Did I know how hard it was going to be... No. The life I live is very different than what we grew up in in so many ways. I don't have revolving door boyfriends and I do it much more as a solo act than our mother ever did.

I am angry with you because you say things like you will want start picking Haz up and doing things with him but you don't follow through. And you don't come to me and say you won't/can't. You just pretend like you never said it. I get my hopes up and it is very painful when I get let down. You do the same with Haz. You told him you would take him out for his birthday 3 years ago and then you didn't. I know you said you let it go because He didn't show enough interest. I have talked to him... he doesn't want to show you he cares because then he doesn't have to feel angry and let down. You yank a lot of chains that way. I hope you can see it from a kids point of view... not from just your own adult perspective." 

Oh, sweetheart, if I am right, you might have to pay back something. Aren't you the one that drained our mother's bank account when we were teenagers and stole her cocaine, her one source of income? Again, so full of indignation you, my sister. And stole money from me when I had a job a fifteen years old?

"Now you are just being mean to be mean. You are coming off like this is all about me getting what I deserve. Well, bully for you. I hope you feel rightous and good about it as you spout your fake endearments. Maybe this is karma maybe not. I choose to try to make my life a positive place. I try to take those lessons learned. This is what I was talking about when I said keeping score. Your seeming delight in the crappy situation and it is repulsive and scary."

We can't forget who we are. Or should we.

"I have never forgotten. I was a fucked up, selfish, greedy, damaged kid. What I did was straight up wrong. I don't deny it. I do try to understand it. To learn from it. Our mother did ten times the damage to us than I have ever done to my children. That is a fact documented in courts where I am listed as as a victim and as a defendant."

Come home to roost is an apt description of your position. Haz is a mirror reflection all your wonderful qualities and your glaring faults. Too smart for his own good and too ignorant to accept any other information. Manipulator of the most common sort. Purposely, twisting anybody up to support thier own reality.

"You speak as if he is an adult. He isn't. You speak as if all he will ever be is your version of a reflection of me and not his own man. You speak as if you know all he is as a person and you don't. You judge. You opinion is based only on the very little time you spend with him and is biased by your opinion of me and the baggage you carry from childhood. Children especially have an opportunity to change. And those changes will be brought by the people who take the time to make an impact in his life. Not those who are fly by night visitors who offer nothing but critizism. Some of the things you say about him are true and can be laid at my feet others are his own. And he will have to decide what kind of person he chooses to be — same as you — same as me."

It's my own fault. When I came up here, you constantly talked about Haz's "bad"teachers and "bad"principles, giving him an open forum to disrespect his superiors. And you talked about your own "bad" managers" who don't deserve respect. Well... you taught Haz not to respect authority. Did your think you were exempt from these examples?

"Hazzy did have some crappy teachers and one really bad principle who is being sued for some of the things she did wrong while he was a student there. And yes I didn't raise him when he was very young to respect authority. I went with question authority approach the same as I did with Nick. And you know it was the wrong way to go with Haz. Wow. I am not a perfect parent. I am doing what I can to fix it. I never claimed I was not responsible... but I am not the only one responsible. Everyone in a kids life has an impact including the people who don't show up. (I mean his father not you here). "

You whine that Nick was so much easier but you don't allow for one thing. You live over everyone. He is totally repressed by your personality because his is not of the same temperament as you. He doesn't argue, because maybe he wants to survive your overwhelming personality. I can't speak for him because he is an adult, and has his own emotions. "LoL. You have done a really good job of expressing your own opinion - Not Nick's. You don't talk to Nick. I asked him why he doesn't call you. Maybe you should, you might be surprised in what you find. Did you know that nothing you said is news to me or Nick? That we talk about the fact I have a really strong personality. Did you know that I talk to him almost every day... he calls me. As for you saying I whine about how easy he was... I will watch that. What I am trying to express is being at a loss... I want for Hazzy a lot of things that Nick got but I don't know how to duplicate the results for him."
But even I, as an adult don't want to battle with you. Logic doesn't matter when you are irate, only loudness and whining. You have got to be right.

"I am a woman with a strong personality. If you don't like it there is nothing I can do about how you feel. Only you can do something about how you interact with me and how you deal with it. I am not going to change who I am because you don't like it. I don't share your logic. I don't agree with you and I back up my positions with passion. I am not always right. And I work hard to admit when I am wrong and correct it. I am not perfect at it. But I hate to break the news, if someone disagrees with me it doesn't make them wrong. And that statement applies to you too. Stand up for yourself and quit complaining about when I do."

Yes, your first instinct is to question him, but ask youself this question first. Will you tell him who his father is? Will he ever ask you who his father is?


I know who his father is no matter what lies you found convenient to tell. I told him to ask you first and if you won't tell then, with many trepidations, I said I would tell him the truth. He has never asked me and I have vowed to myself and to Nick to never lie to him. And I won't. If he ever asks me who his father is then I will be as candid as I can.


But Jesus Fucking Christ, tell him first! But don't worry, you've got him so cowed, he won't ask me unless I am on my death bed or he his. At the end of the day I don't really care about how you feel about it. This is a person's idenity you are playing with! No matter how fucked up our childhood was, at least we knew who our parents were. This is a person's right to feel how they want to feel about who they come from. It ain't about you my dear sister. Vanity should stop here. And don't try to spin this with him like how you tried to spin it with me back when. I remember names and dates.

"You think you know so much. You don't. I had the DNA tests done. It is a matter of court record. His dad was a drifter that I met at the Denny's on Ocean one night when I was partying with some friends. And we have talked about it. Since he has no connection to that person he has been planning to change his last name to Rubio since he was 14 years old as our Dad spent a huge amount of time with Nick before he died. So fat lot you know."

But guess what. These two people are so talented, intuitive and smart it brings tears to my eyes. They have some of the worst and best of our breed what can I do? Should I make the effort or should you to bring me and my nephews together? Should we blame each other for not trying or fix this communication?

"Sara. I have and will put myself out there again to fix communication between us. Your relationship with Nick, you have to repair yourself. I will support you in repairing it but it has to come from you not me. As for your relationship with Haz. I support you in having one with him. I think you could really make a difference in his life and he yours. I also think you could just do more damage. So in that regard I am very cautious. Neither he nor I can take many more let downs no matter how much you think I deserve them."

Is it for the best? Do you really know what I am about and found a step ladder to my core? Am I am evil making person who only cares about myself?

"I don't think you are an evil person. I do think that you don't have a lot of practice having relationships as I know them. I see a lot of selfish things about you that you don't want to think about. I don't think you are the only one who stuffs things away about themselves you don't like. All I have to go on is what you show me with your actions some of which I find hurtful and selfish. I don't think that is all you are or all you can be. If it was I would have told you to fuck off and never darken my door again."

By the way, your use of "community", easily dismissed. Those are YOUR words to describe YOUR feelings. Did I ever give you the false impression that I don't have some wonderful friends that aren't "there" for me? I wasn't clear.

"I got a totally different message from what you have communicated to me. I also have a different meaning for "community" than you do. And that is okay. You and I have very different needs and desires from our communities. I you choose to accept the invitation into my life, extend me one of your own we will need to come to a better understanding."

How ever you feel about me vs. our childhood, let's talk. I think we both have something to say.

If your email encapsulates how how you really feel about me. Well then, don't expect me to beg for your love and acceptance. Guess what, I have learned through our family's drug addiction, pain, fear and just plain stubborness to say...fuck you. I will live on. Past condemnation. Past everything.

"My email contains how I feel sometimes. It is by no means the total of what I feel. It is not false. It is my opinion. It was written by a very upset person. I don't expect you to beg for my love and acceptance and I won't be begging for yours. You did a very good job of setting an example when it comes saying fuck you and where that can get you. Some of that example I have followed to my benefit. Other's not so much."

Next move yours.

What I actually wrote back to her:

That was some email I sent you. I was upset. In many ways I am still upset with you. I do appreciate the time you took to write ever so much. I could go point by point through your reply and get into counter rebuttals but I choose not to. I did find what you had to say very edifying. I do love you. I will continue to love you. Some of what you had to say showed me that several key points in my email are quite true. You put a lot of effort into hurting me and have succeeded. Ugly things are true about both of us for certain. Picking and fighting and wounding each other continually over those things is not something I choose to do with you. It isn't productive and it isn't positive. It doesn't clear the air and just creates more hurt. You have shown you don't like or respect me. I can (and have) live with that. I do believe that we are both flawed human beings and I hope that you love me. If you desire a relationship with me I will meet you half way. In order to do that I would need a neutral safe place that can be provided by family counseling which my insurance covers. I will leave it up to you whether or not you want to show up or not.

With love and regret,
Your sister Rachel