Dichotomy vs Congnative Dissonance

I am deeply sad and lonely. To the point of wonder what it is all worth and trying to see a fulfilling future for myself. I am so sad that I cannot have the relief and release I get from bulimia without destroying myself. I am just sad that I cannot have relief and release. It feel like when I was very young and I couldn't have what I saw those around me having... love and attention from my parents. Protection from harm. Food, toys and cloths. And I feel horrible about myself. I feel ugly and unlovable/ weak and stupid. And like all these feelings are crushing me.

When I look at the bigger picture outside my loneliness and self loathing I have a good life. I come from welfare, hard-core drug addiction and homelessness. And I have an apartment I am managing to hold on to. My kids are doing okay. I live in a pretty part of the world. I have a job, a computer and a car. My friends and community are just wonderful.

I am very lucky and privileged and profoundly sad and in desperate need of help and support. Both things are true at the same time.

Letter to x-friend that I won't send

Dear [Friends name removed here],

Over the past few months and especially over the last few weeks things have not gone well between us. Even before the food processor/camp out flake incident you have been really critical and mean with me… and I consequently have spent less and less time around you.

You clearly expressed that my handling of the food processor issue was something that you found highly egregious. And that you were not tolerant of me making any mistakes… when I was more than willing own the mistakes I made. This is what you said when I offered to replace the machine with a brand new temp until I could get you yours back:

"I heard you fine, you don't seem to be hearing me.

I am baffled that you fail to understand that the only way that was
appropriate to deal with a loan like this is to watch over it
personally, to bring it back in your own vehicle, and to personally
bring it back to my house. I am also baffled that you could possibly
think that anything else was acceptable as a response.

The issue I have isn't that you made a mistake, nor am I saying you
overtly tried to screw with me.

The issue is that I told you I had concerns, and then you didn't do
the above. You were careless in the extreme, and I absolutely feel
fucked over by that, specifically as a breach of trust."

I feel sorry for you. If, overtime somebody makes a mistake you take it as a personal attack and an attempt to fuck you over. That is a hard lonely inflexible way to live. I clearly understand we aren't friends anymore because of a difference in philosophical points of view. I think you are a very smart complex person. I don't wish you ill. I do believe there is good chance that I will be treated poorly when around you.

When you walked into NIMBY on any number of occasions you demanded attention. You refused to do anything without being told/supervised and got mad when I didn't have instant answers for you. Very often when working on projects I figure things out as I go. Your lack of patients was a detriment to my enjoyment and productivity.

I think you were less than up front about the campout and your level of participation. You committed to do something and then pulled out at the last min. leaving me fairly screwed. You said you were sick but you were well enough to go work at NIMBY. If you didn't want do it you should have said no when I asked OR have been upfront when you decided you didn't want to go. Instead, you just pretended that you weren't flaking on me and then found some excuse to flip out on me.

The things you said to me in email about the food processor have damaged our friendship. I know you don't think you did anything and that I was the only one who fucked up. For clarity's sake, your constant shit-fits, and negative snipping at me makes me not want to be around you.

You said at that you felt neglected. I don't know what you goal was by saying that. If you want my time and attention then you have a) ask for it b) accept that sometimes you won't get it and c) not constantly make negative critical remarks to me.

Even after the damage you inflicted over a fucking food processor I was polite to you and gave my time and energy in the XXXXXXX project… and all you did was complain that it wasn't enough. Like I owed you something. I am not responsible for the choices you make. I don't owe you my time an attention. I don't owe anybody my time and attention. If I choose to give it then that is a gift. If I make agreements to share my time and energy and then you complain about the amount and quality of it I am going to walk way.

You look a gift horse in the mouth and you have treated me like your little lackey bitch. Well fie on you.

Your ex friend,


[me]


This letter was written to make myself feel better and get some closure. I never sent it.

being thrown on the floor and walked on hurts

God. I am just sad. This sucks. I feel so cut off, angry and hurt. And taken the fuck for granted. I love building things with my friends. I hate being used and disrespected. I am so so so fucking angry and hurt when people treat me like I am their bitch. Just there to toil away for their glory.

I worked really hard on an art project. Now somebody who hurt me and prevented good things from happening to me is getting to do the fun part. And will get all the credit. And that is how it goes.

Creating things, building things involved a certain percentage of work, a certain percentage of pure fun, and a certain amount of PITA (pain in the ass factor).

I choose to be part of somebody else's project. Just because I was part of the project doesn't mean that I was gonna get to do the super fun parts. I didn't protect that part of the work. Now I feel lame. And stupid. And somebody who has been really shitty to me is getting to do that part instead of me. And well just fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And being clever and artistic FOR OTHER PEOPLE is sometimes really painful and I am going to have to remember that I chose it. And just fucking suck it up.

And I can't talk to anybody about this shit cause the person that is treating me all freaky and crappy is fucking EVERYWHERE… so there are no safe places for me.

Sometimes people are lame

I got a friend trying to horn in on my action. I think this person might think we are partners or that they are helping me.

I like my project the way it is. I like being able to do it my way cause I am the one who does the work and takes the responsibility.

That said I am down with feed back... I will listen, consider carefully and then choose what will or will not be acted on.

Stop trying to get me to do things your way. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Sometimes discovering your friends are negative and narrow of view is hard.

I don't want to be around negative people.

Fuck.

More fat than fat

277 lbs
Miserably lonely
still brilliantly creative
Need a sponsor so I can work part time and make art the rest of the time

Big, it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

But I am too big. I am 271 lbs. That is very close to the biggest I have ever been in my whole life. That is icky. But also this doesn't feel like the end of the world or something I have to be in crisis about. It just feels like something that needs to be addressed.

It should be noted that I am doing waaaaay less compulsive eating and other icky things then I have ever done in the last 20 odd years. So yes, there were ass expanding consequesnces. But those are the breaks.

I have created menu's for the next several days. I am gonna do atkins cause I know it is a diet I can do.

And I am gonna look for a diet app today. I love me some data.

It should also be noted that when I was this large in the past I felt way worse about myself then I do now. I am more attractive, smarter and good, good, good. That fact exists at the same time as that wicked dress size (22/24)

3 eggs with cheese
1 cup of tea w/cream
1 cup lettuce
4 oz chicken

4 cheese sticks
burger patty
1 cup lettuce
6 oz steak
2 oz b. cheese
3 tbl almond
1tsp choco
and cream

Thing