so so so angry right now

I am trying really really hard to not take the kid's behavior personally. But for fuck's sake. I asked for some very very simple things.

1) do one load of laundry (still not done after 6 days and had to be rewashed as it was left wet... it is currently wet again!!)

2) Stay out of my room! Just stay the fuck out. Let me have something that is just mine, my space, peaceful space or my mess but something left unspoiled. Could they fuck no. ( I came home to find a door I specifically closed open and cards I had taken away missing from my closet.)

3) pick up the discusting living room. Filled with his magic cards flung about, broken toothpickes and various bits of trash. (50% of which is still here)

4) Always!!! Always wear your bike helmet. (I have come home to find the helmet sitting on the couch.)

5) Tell me where your are going. ( He said he cleaned up and that he was going to Noah's. When I call Noah's house he isn't there.)

6) Be home before dark. ( It is now 4:58pm and he is no where in sight)

7) Put your things way. Go through the house and put anything you see away!! ( Now, let's take a tour of what I got when I arrived home. The Entryway - His binder, tennis balls + Racket, garbage, his old bike chain, a toy gun I had taken away months ago. The Kitchen - Nick's crap everywhere piles of trash on the floor, rotting food on the counter, and dried cereal and milk crust on the floor and cutting board, sugar all over the floor, hmm humm good. The Living room, trash snibbles everywhere, broken toothpicks and magic cards, unvacuumed carpet. The Bathroom - toilet full of rotting stinking piss, missing q=tip container. Now doesn't that sound so so fun.)

8) It is now 5:16 and almost dark and I am worried. I have no idea where he is, where to look or anything. All I know is that he left on his own (cause he took his bike) and that is wasn't at Noah's. Grrrr. Where is he? And wy does he think this is okay???

Now that I have written all this out I am not as angry but I am much much more sad. This sucks. And I had being alone freaking out.

I thought I didn't suck

But apparently I do. I haven't posted since Dec. 12th. So many crazy things. Many edifying experiences with my sister, which I will get into later. And no little social interaction. More fun with wage garnishment and the state of california. Grrrrrrr. And on that note I polished my fingernails.

Anyhow, I set up the acupuncturist for at least the next six months and made a dr. appointment for the feet etc. for the 14th. My first visit for the needles was on the 28th. The acupuncturist was really nice and I have the following goals for this week:

1) No refined grains/sugars (flour, pasteries, bagels, limit pasta to 1-2 times a week, no soda, candy, etc.)

2) Eat 3 solid meals per day, with lean protein at each meal

3) Drink plenty of water (8 glasses a day)

4) Exercies moderate for 30 to 60 min. 3-5 x week

5) daily food log, especially in relationship to acid reactions

6) 2 tablets of chayme per meal

So on that note

Started today with a large mug of black tea with milk
Slight acid reaction on the train, no tums

B-fast - Protein shake (Odwalla Almond)
remembered herbs
no acid reaction

Lunch - City salad from Noah's (green with walnuts and blue cheese) the only bummer is that after I ate it I realized the dressing had miles of sugar in it - basalmic vinagar is like that.
remembered herbs
had mild stomach cramp reaction 20 min after

Must Everything be a fucking argument

I have worked here for ages it seems.. in my third year. But when I speak it is as if the stupid monkey is talking and I couldn't possibly have a valid opinion. I have to justify everything. And cave into the directives of incompetent people. God, why do I do this to myself. I got really really upset about something this morning. A map I very lovingly drew (16 hours) is getting slammed, dumbed down and and printed looking like shite as well as being off brand after the dumbing down. Maybe I am just over tired but wow, what a shitty day to day experience. And I write stuff off all the time. I found myself repeating things I said a year ago to my old design director to my new design director. Pathetic. It is never going to change here.

It doesn't help that my new boss's boss hates me and it looks to be shaping up that my new design director is going to hate me too. And wow what a demoralizing fucking thing to look forward to coming into everyday.

I have been doing this a long long as time, and either I must suck at it or that being good at your job means nothing... and all that people want is for me to go yes, yes, yes. If someone wants me to do a job please just tell me what you want and don't trouble me about how I get it done.

I guess I am feeling pretty sabotaged. I keep getting fooled. Like a dog being thrown a fake stick... I just keep running out there... and then I do it again. What a goat fuck.

I am sad.

And for my own self and to say it to the world. I am a damn good designer. And I am fucking smart. And all the posers with their fucking fancy titles and degrees can just keep being insecure little asswhipes... it won't make them any good. So there.

finding meaning

a list for cut off closed out girl

my house mate helped my son with math homework

my sister calls only to talk about herself, she is very petty

a stranger on the street told me I was beautiful on Saturday

a creepy old man propositioned me for sex when all I wanted was to buy a bike tire from him

I haven't called my friends the way I should

I flaked on my volunteer gig

I had a good talk with Nick after he had a shitty day

I spoke to the kids about the dirty house without yelling

I haven't done any art for a million years

I haven't done even on tenth of the projects I have on the board

I can't relax

I am so lonely and too insecure to really do anything about it

I haven't exercised in months

I ate McDonald's yesterday

I found a new sci-fi book

I get my room back in 8 days

I will be 37 in 7 days

I need something pretty to wear on Saturday

Friday is my company holiday party

I need a vacation

I need to work harder

I need to show my work

I need to take pictures of my work

I need a better job

There is defrosted steak in my fridge

There is also enough defrosted spinach in my fridge to supply the daily iron requirement of a small high school

My plants are growing

my laundry needs to be done

I took a shower this morning and even bothered to shave

I should bust out a new razor

Something good is gonna happen to me today

Common fucking sense

So I just found out that the group who outputs a lot of the things I lovingly design doesn't even look at it for quality.... they just print it. So if it looks like crap, so be it. Wow. No wonder I have begun to loose respect for my team. Which isn't exactly fair I know. But there you have it. Anyone even the desk jockey at Kinko's prints one, looks at it, makes adjustments if needed and then prints the rest. No so here. And frankly this is where I get the idea that the folks on the other end of this doesn't actually look at the output or care about the quality. I am straight out disgusted by that.

I want to work on a team that comes to work everyday to kick-ass. I want to work on a team that challenges me to do better. I want to work on a team that gives a rats ass how the work looks, that it give the professional impression it should. I want to work with a group that isn't afraid to take a risk every now and then. I want to work with a progressive group.

I have known for sometime that this group isn't it. This group will most likely never be it. I am saddened by that. Ever so saddened.

what a bitch

I am sooooo tired of her. She is a hypocrite. I asked a simple question and here response is crappy and lame. And I don't want to pick up the slack for people who can't do their fucking jobs. I don't do content. Why should I.

My boss is a condesending idiot who after being here for fricking months is so out of touch and still has no idea how things get done.

I just wanted to know what my fucking job was. Not an unreasonable question to ask one's boss.

I just don't like her and that is mostly because she is mean to me. Is she threatened? WTF