false desperation and genuine crushing loneliness

So lately I have been taking a pass on several romantic (or carnal) opportunities that have come my way. Why? I am genuinely lonely but I guess just not desperate. So why do I feel desperate sometimes? Like there is a giant clock and I am running out of time for finding someone and that being alone is this great curse? I think I will blame it on western consumer culture and the internet. I watched this great bit on stuff last night and it dawned on me that if I hadn't been shopping at the fast food window of amorous connection I wouldn't feel quite so bereft.

So where does that leave me really? Am I actually that powerless to change my own state of existence in the way of a relationship? Or does it speak more to my snobbery in that regard.

All I do know for sure is that I need to stop reading crap and I need to work out more and paint more. Oh and while we are wishing work less.

Disclaimer: Despite the sad, pathetic state of mind that this post implies I am really not feeling all that depressed. I am more blue about my art content generation weekend being canceled than anything else and unlike my love life I might be able to do something about that with the instant satisfaction machine that is craigslist.org

Having the Devils Email address

So after said rowdy party from last week I was digging through my bag to discover a phone number and email... of a salacious man. I confirmed said identity and was also told by the person in the know that it was the number of the devil and I should burn it right away... it only made me want to call it more. I guess I just am not that moral. ;) lucky me.

Raising the bar - what a good snog can do

After the best party ever and a really good snog or two the bar has now been set a bit higher. And I am re-devoting myself to myself... namely not wasting so much of my energy on lame guys. I would rather go to the pool or aikido for pete's sake. I had my yearly ha-rah and it was fan-fucking-tastic.

Now it is time to buckle down, love up myself and my family. I will just take all the loneliness and channel it into art! Dark, pining, bright art!

OH, and Did I mention I was down to 227 and that means I have lost 47 lbs!!! Just another 90 to go! Whoo hooo.

And here we are

So it has been almost 2 months since the surgery and I am finally feeling fantastic... not that eating isn't still fraught with challenges - but really it should be ;). I am going back to Aikido this friday -- grrr.

Phone call from the Y-camp. Hazard said "bullshit" during a baseball game and was not going to be able to go on a big trip... the biggest on of the week. I paid a lot of money for this camp and by god they are gonna take him!! Grrrrr. He needs to keep it together.

But back to positive things. I am down to a consistent and solid 230, I gave away all my cloths that were too big and as a carrot I am waiting until I get down to 215 before I buy any more cloths for myself.

I am totally inspired art wise - started my day of the dead series... bloodsweatandpaint.com

And started taking pictures and such for a erotica series... it think it will be sorta dark at then end but quite fun to do. I need to practice my figurative work badly. And I really need paper... lots of paper --- ooooh, I will bring home the stuff that has been in the drawer here. Yippy - it is layout bond but that is okay. And I need a proper set of pencils and charcoals.

We will also be restarting blue tryp... though we might segue over to covenworks.com



And lastly updates. So quirky east coast guy (now known as Lipstick Dave) wasn't "feeling it". But at least I got a brush off phone call - Unlike Bad-Manners Jeff. So it was a let down but crushingly so... it was just another little chip of rejection and that is never fun. But on that note I am gonna pat myself on the back (cause no one else is) for being brave and still putting it out there... I keep trying and meeting new people - risking that rejection. Which makes my stomach clench up but there it is.