It is really hard to hear that your kid only care's about you cause they have to...
And the only reason they are trying to be better at empathy toward you is to get something they want.
1) It just is a little heart breaking
2) it is way heartbreaking cause it means that your kids just might be not a very good person deep down.
Rachel
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
time to stop fucking around
This is bullshit. Losing a chunk of weight is gonna suck ass. It is gonna extra suck because I am a compulsive eater that eats my own HUGE lonely heart.
But fuck it. I am hear by saying to myself stop being such a god damn baby. Fucking suck it up. Is it going to be mind bendingly crappy... yes. And just fucking do it already. No more start tomorrow, start after dinner, start when XYZ is in place.
So I fucking started already.
30 fucking days lady... till they cut you at least. Got to get off the fucking eat and bitch train. Suck it the fuck right up.
But fuck it. I am hear by saying to myself stop being such a god damn baby. Fucking suck it up. Is it going to be mind bendingly crappy... yes. And just fucking do it already. No more start tomorrow, start after dinner, start when XYZ is in place.
So I fucking started already.
- Make punishing meal plan (check)
- Go to gym EVERY FUCKING DAY YOU WORK IN SF! No exceptions. Doesn't matter if it is crowded... or that I might have to go after work. Or gasp... before work.
- Clean all the shit food out of the house... yes again. God damn it.
- Buy only the following at the store (costco bitch)
- Cheese sticks
- Plain salmon or chicken boobs
- eggs, lots of eggs
- celery
- green veg
- miso
30 fucking days lady... till they cut you at least. Got to get off the fucking eat and bitch train. Suck it the fuck right up.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Man-i-fist-ation
Emphasis on the "man" part.
I want a partner. Outside of judgment and feminist prose and the fear of the pathetic stink of desperation I really do want a partner. I am happier partnered and I have been alone too long.
Once I have accepted that it now bears asking what kind of partner am I looking for.* And me being me I will break it down to categories.
The physical
The emotional
The logistical
* this me me me, what I want list in in light of the fact that I have equal kick assery to offer.
I want a partner. Outside of judgment and feminist prose and the fear of the pathetic stink of desperation I really do want a partner. I am happier partnered and I have been alone too long.
Once I have accepted that it now bears asking what kind of partner am I looking for.* And me being me I will break it down to categories.
The physical
- 5'8 to 6' feet or so
- Strong
- Smells good
- Cute in the face (cute being subjective here)
- well equipped, but not too well equipped
- skin that is nice to touch
- Smart... really smart
- likes to solve puzzles and create things
- Would enjoy making things with me
- likes to socialize
- reads
- wants to learn new things all the time
- is a masochist
- and adventurous
- pansexual
- likes rope
- loves sensation and games
- loves my body
- can deal/work with non-monogamy
The emotional
- is emotionally available
- pays attention to details
- likes to show affection though touch
- wants to be connected
- has a complex heart
- can take risks
- willing to know and love me
The logistical
- Has time... lots of time for me
- has room for me and my big life to crash into him and his big life
- can support himself
* this me me me, what I want list in in light of the fact that I have equal kick assery to offer.
Must she always be
such a condescending bitch?
Any opinion that doesn't agree with hers is considered stupid and lame.
Does she even realize that she is turning into the woman she bitches the most about.
Gag, gag, gag. What the fuck.
I need a new, more engaging job where I am respected.
Any opinion that doesn't agree with hers is considered stupid and lame.
Does she even realize that she is turning into the woman she bitches the most about.
Gag, gag, gag. What the fuck.
I need a new, more engaging job where I am respected.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Learning about age
"Today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be again."
This kicked ass. This is were I found it: http://corinneleigh.tumblr.com/page/3
This kicked ass. This is were I found it: http://corinneleigh.tumblr.com/page/3
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Weight from the outside
Hmmm. It is pretty interesting. I just lost 20 lbs. (don't get too excited, out of 120 that needed/needs to go.)
I am in the middle of the expierince when folks notice and their reactions when I share. It is pretty crazy both the internal and external reactions.
Internally I am working hard on not getting arificially elated. I mean, this isn't as important to me as finishing and art project or buying a car... why get that stoked? Feel good yes, cause it is something accomplished with work... therefore success but not the be all and end all of my self value. I was super cool with the 20lbs and I am super cool without it. The only difference is the size of pants I am wearing when it comes down to it.
Externally, wow the praise when people notice... it is crazy. So much validation... hmm, there is a v word... like value... I am worth more to society as a thinner person is the message I am getting. According to the outside western world I am worthy of more. Ewwwwwhhhhhhh!!!! God that is gross. I don't value that... it doesn't line up with my moral code.
Yes, I do want to be seen as worthy of good stuff including love, praise and reccognition. It is a basic human need I have just like all the other monkey's. But to have my value broken down to a pants size... and to have the very painful price I have paid to lose the weight be praise no matter how destructive. Fucking hell. That is messed up.
So, here I am in the moment. I am pointing out a teachable moment to myself. I am not the skewed values of others, society at large or men. I am not going to value my self by the number on a pair or pants or on a scale. I am just going to do what makes my body feel good... and fuck the judgment and opinions.
I am in the middle of the expierince when folks notice and their reactions when I share. It is pretty crazy both the internal and external reactions.
Internally I am working hard on not getting arificially elated. I mean, this isn't as important to me as finishing and art project or buying a car... why get that stoked? Feel good yes, cause it is something accomplished with work... therefore success but not the be all and end all of my self value. I was super cool with the 20lbs and I am super cool without it. The only difference is the size of pants I am wearing when it comes down to it.
Externally, wow the praise when people notice... it is crazy. So much validation... hmm, there is a v word... like value... I am worth more to society as a thinner person is the message I am getting. According to the outside western world I am worthy of more. Ewwwwwhhhhhhh!!!! God that is gross. I don't value that... it doesn't line up with my moral code.
Yes, I do want to be seen as worthy of good stuff including love, praise and reccognition. It is a basic human need I have just like all the other monkey's. But to have my value broken down to a pants size... and to have the very painful price I have paid to lose the weight be praise no matter how destructive. Fucking hell. That is messed up.
So, here I am in the moment. I am pointing out a teachable moment to myself. I am not the skewed values of others, society at large or men. I am not going to value my self by the number on a pair or pants or on a scale. I am just going to do what makes my body feel good... and fuck the judgment and opinions.
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