Epic Fail

Today feels like and epic fail.

A $70 epic fail.

I am really sick. And I needed help. I thought I was gonna buy help with that money or at least ease the way for the group as a whole. I thought I gave clear direction but I guess not. I don't have a great desire to be a pushy bitch.

limbo with a bad puppet master

but before I launch into a vent, I do have faith that there are some very nice people involved who will do their best.

But anyhow WSC called yesterday and said that I need to pick up my son by midnight tonight... love that notice... hmmm. Good stuff. They said that the insurance was denying any further benefit. Grrrr.

They are appealing the decision and I am trying to at least get them to extend till Ben get's here on the 8th. (though he doesn't get in till late and will be knackered) and to get them to approved for Herrick's day program. I won't know till today. At which point I will either have to try to get him on a holiday weekend.... grrrrrr. Or maybe see if Alex and Nicole could get him on the 5th on their way back up and just pay the bigggggggggggggggggggggg bucks to keep him there until then. God knows where the money is gonna come from.

Wow, isn't this gonna be fun.

Better Living through planning and help from kick ass friends

So I am writing this in order to take better care of myself and not fall apart. As we all know though follow through is everything.


Food for Rachel
Day one
2 hard boiled eggs
2 apples
Salad with a piece of protien the size of my hand and low sugar/fat dressing

Day two
2 apples
Salad with a piece of protien the size of my hand and low sugar/fat dressing
2 hard boiled eggs

Beverages
Water
Green Tea

I need to do this for at least two weeks then re-evaluate

Exercise for Me and Haz
Google calendar the classes at the Y I must take
Make Gym Bags Tonight


Basic Grocery List for 7 Days (Covers Me, Harrison and Ben)
4 whole chickens
4 lbs of some other meat/fish
4 bags (or 2 lbs) of mixed greens
4 tomatoes
2 doz eggs
14 apples
1lb butter
1 gallon milk
1 box cereal
1 loaf of bread
1 brick of cheese (cheddar or Jack)
2 pkg of pasta
1 pkg of rice
5 onions
5 lemons
1 pkg tortillas
2 pkg of beans
1 sack of garlic
2 bunches of cilantro
snacking fruit for boy
veggies for dinners

Staples bought every two weeks/1 per month
Soy sauce
sesame oil
splenda
tea
salt

Develop a schedule for who is going where and chores and such. Something like this for each day.

6am - 7am Rachel gets up, goes to work, takes gym bag and lunch
Xam - Xam Haz and ben get up, eat b-fast and get ready to go to Herrick
Xam - Xpm Haz at Herrick
Xpm - Xpm Ben to pick up Haz at Herrick and take to Y for XXXXXX
Xpm - Xpm Rachel at Y for class
Xpm - Xpm Rach arrives home, makes dinner, repacks gym bag, works, then packs lunch for next day, puts out fires

The moon is not only ice cold, it is here to stay - cat power

So the boy has been gone for 19 days now. It feels like a blink and like a year. I miss him. He was so blah on the phone last night though. I need to learn how to talk to him again. I was so worried about making him feel bad that I didn't talk about anything at all. I have no idea when him comes home. I miss the kid who watched movies with me. Or drew or talked about what he likes. I fear the nasty mouthed abusive child that is so like his father and my mother.

I need to write him today.

only the 3rd level of hell

It seems I have been working forever.

It seems I have asked so many ways.

And still it remains that everything must be

settled in battle.

I just want someone to help my kiddo and end this crazy hellish way to be.

And making me wait is torture... and yanking my chain this morning was cruel.

It was unkind in so many ways.

First a brief history of the last 5 day

Wednesday, June 3rd. Didn't come home until almost 8pm, no phone calls, etc and had a bike of dubious sources (it is possible he had it with the other kids' permission but I couldn't get him to even give me a last name or a phone number)

Thursday, June 4th. Invited an unknown number of kids over to the apt. after school where they drank, got high (but, Mom I made them smoke in the bathroom) and made a huge mess with stuff sprayed on the walls and all over counters and such

Friday, June 5th. Was suspended for 5 days for possession of pot and two kinds of booze. The school will be taking no other action.

Saturday, June 6th. Was told he could go to party at Stephanie's till late (10pm) because he had a ride home but ONLY if he called when he got to the party so I could talk to parents (yes, I was wearing rose colored glasses). Of course no phone call and he came home at a quarter to 12.

Sunday, June 7th. He had permission to hang out at the game shop on shattuck for a while and play magic and hang out with the "girls" but general rules applied - Come home before streetlights came on, call me every two hours or check in with his brother. I was unable to track him down and ended up calling the cops at 9:30 pm... when I was on the line with the cops he finally called in... He was at tom's and would be home (with escort) in 30 min. He was home at 20 til 11 but he did have an escort.

Monday, June 8th. Went to Dr. W's on his own more or less on time. Showed up stinking of tobacco and potentially altered. But did agree to take meds and see Dr. W regularly. When to the 5 pm Draft at GOB with his brother walking him home.

Tuesday, June 9th. I reminded him when I left for work that Dana was coming over to spend some face time before the IEP on thruday. He picked the time for her to come over. When I came home he had made a med. mess of the house... about a trash bag and half of crap sprinkled over the house. And more importantly he wasn't here... this was a 4:45. Dana was going to be here after 5 to meet with him and he knew it. So I started calling people to track him down. When I was doing that his friend Tom let it slip that he hadn't "seen him since he left school today" So it turns out he went to campus. Which is dangerous on so many levels and the place he gets his weed. Grrr. Also to be noted that when I was cleaning up I found a strange pocket knife and an old mint tint full of pot dust and an obvious attempt to burn some insense. And as of this moment he is MIA

So because of today and him obviously not being able to be alone for any length of time I am trying to see what I can do to get some sort of babysitting action organized - I really don't know what else to do. Any ideas?

Things I appreciate about the YK

1. His bright, clever smile
2. His quite concentration when he sketches
3. His social nature
4. His sense of presence with small children
5. His ability to lose himself when engaging with small children and animals
6. His love of science
7. His ability to play a kick-ass game of magic
8. How much he loves his brother
9. That he will kiss me goodbye even in public
10. That he will watch cheesy sci-fi movies with me late at night
11. His love of good, good food
12. His adventurous nature, the boy ate salmon roe just to see what it was like
13. His way good hair
14. His ability to hang with adults
15. His capacity to contribute insightfully to conversations
16. His love of science
17. His facility for making money doing something he likes
18. His love of smelly boy stuff
19. His fashion sense
20. His sense of self
21. His fluctuating voice
22. His natural ability with a camera
23. How secure he is with his sexuality and gender
24. the respect he shows his female peers
25. His bravery in telling a girl he likes how he feels
26. His art. He is really really good.
27. His sense of color
28. His ability to be charming
29. His appreciation of simple pleasures, like clean towels
30. His potential
31. His emerging honesty (I hope to foster)
32. His outstanding spinach casadea
33. His love of lentil soup
34. His salad making accumen
35. His sweet big brown eyes
36. That he like to go swimming with me
37. The look on his face when he changes his mind 
38. His love of good strange stories
39. His black sense of humor
40. His silly times when we play poke
41. when he sings outloud in the car with me
42. His love of Christofer Moore books
43. How much he loves watching the making of parts of movies
44. The love of zombies he shares with me
45. how happy he is with a good holloween costume

More to come...

27k reason's

Wilderness Program is about 440 a day... 60 days plus fee's = 27k

Ouch. That is what it is gonna take to save my kiddo maybe. double ouch

Passive agressivness really does burn my ass

And maybe I am hyper sensitive to it. I can entertain that notion.

Anyhow this is what happened.

I listened to a 10 min. audio clips of some comedians. I laughed out loud twice. I may have snickered several times.

A few min after which I get told by a peer (a very loud peer at that)... "you gotta stop laughing so hard out loud lady!"

Not, hey keep it down you are bugging me, Just that she is on my side and I am a fucking bitch for not appologizing for laughing. I only appologized for bugging her. 

Which seems to me as totally passive aggressive. Oh, and she total me I had been doing it for like an hour... impossible as I hadn't even been at my desk for a whole hour. 

I just have a personal belief that human beings should not be told to stop expressing joy... 

I suck it up constantly over the noise on this row. And get told I wear my headphones too much... I can't win for losing with these people. 

When I told a friend about it this is what he said: 

"wait till you start hitting people..then they'll think laughing wasn't so bad"



Wit is gonna get me canned - either mine or someone else's

I need to write a song

about my work and my boss

Title options:

Soul Sucking Cube

Make it fucking POP

That old bitch hates me

Should I be scared?

Random shit to love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjcH2UmK1uo&NR=1


So I posted this on CL:


quirky bbw lookin' for a freak


jonathan coulton, zombies, photoshop, css, spinach, costumes, painting, gluing peeps to things, rope, sex, conversation, they might be giants, the donnas, massive attack, tim burton, camping, kickboxing... these are some of the things I like. What are some of the things you like?
Oh, I guess I should also include some basic facts. I am in my late 30's, short, dark, and frickin' weird. I am a big gal (you can call it curvy, bbw or whatever but I like my self, fat and all). I am single, you be too ~ though depending on the sitch poly is okay. I tend to dig creative, quirky, geeky guys... it would be a good idea if you were older than 27 and younger that 48.
Anyhow if I caught your attention send me an email, tell me what you are down for and try to capture my interest — full sentences will help with that.
I can do the pic exchange thing and of course all the usually disclaimers apply: Be disease free and a safe player, do not be incarcerated, etc.

and when I went to the verifier part the word they had me type in was

men mortuary

MEN MORTUARY for fuck's sake! In a post seeking mr. right now or a boyfriend or some funny email at least. I choose to see it as the universe putting together these two things:

a post for a dude and a post with the word zombie in it

MUST DO THIS WEEKEND

Okay this list is so you don't forget to take care of things that are important or will cost you money

1. Find Receipt for Glasses and send in paperwork to wage works
2. Get form signed for $130.00 for Child Care pay me back
3. Find old copies of IEP's
4. Find old copies of report cards
5. Do Bawdy website
6. Do Mock up of mural website - and or content request
7. Do photo prep for CE
8. Do Laundry 

Sometimes

Even the best people suck

weird and tried

Hello world I feel tired and weird. and tired. Did I say that.

One cup of coffee
ham and cheese b fast thingy but most of it made me sick and it didn't stick with me

Shark mode

I am in what I call "shark" mode... keep moving, keep working, keep going or I'll just never get going again. I'll just die.

2 huge cups of coffee
1 20oz water
burrito bowl, no sour cream

Lists because I just loves me some to do lists

Simplicity Coat 3672


Fabrics: Denim, Corduroy, Twill, Wool and Wool Blends, Wool Crepe, Wool and Wool Blend Coatings, Melton, Brocade, Shantung, Taffeta, Velvet. Extra fabric needed to match plaids, stripes or one-way design fabrics.

Notions: Thread, one pair of 1/2 in. shoulder pads. A: Three 1 1/8th in. buttons.

For the long coat
45in = 7 1/8 yards
60in = 5 3/8 yards
45in interfacing = 6 3/4 yard


For the dress length coat
45in = 6 3/8 yards
60in = 4 1/2 yards
45in interfacing = 3 5/8 yard

of the sweet and the bitter

So I am feeling up despite no sweeping windfalls of solutions or resources. Then again I am already rich by the people in my life so I don't want to get inured (sp) to the fact that I am very, very, very, lucky despite my very valid and stressful circumstances.

Now for what I mean by all that babble and the post title. This week a long time single friend confessed to his new smittened (sp) state right on the heals of the OK doing the same. And I want that for both of them. Yippee!. And my a pair of dear friends are celebrating their love by getting married this weekend. Again big ole yippee. So I am happy for and with them. And I want to add to the joy.

But in the back of my head and heart lingers this little dagger, this little splinter of loneliness. Most likely exacerbated by the fact I haven't had sex in oh, a million years.

Anyhow I feel better for writing it down. Kinda like lancing a boil. I am going to have a great day, a great weekend and I am going to let go of my expectations and just experience what the universe brings to me fer fuck's sake.

feeling sad and beaten up

the rent is more than a month behind

the phone and pg&e are a month and a half behind

I don't know where the groceries are coming from next week

I need new chonies badly

I might lose my job in a matter of weeks

I am screamingly lonely

my youngest kid skipping school and is lying and stealing

he really hurt his brothers feelings by stealing from him

He goes through my stuff

I have to put a lock on my bedroom door

this stucks

I am so tired

Underbust corset

This is the second corset I ever made and the first attempt at making one the "proper" way and not being all costume-riffic with it. The piece is a combination of machine and hand stitching. I created it from scratch including the pattern after reading huge  amounts of things on line including some awesome tutorials and advice here.

It  is made out of inexpensive materials as this was a "learning" corset. Mostly cotton twill and denim with cable ties for most of the bones though I did use real steal bones for the area around the eyelets and a good steal busk. The trim was designed with muslin and netting to give that de-constructed look and the bottom trim was this great fuzzy black yarn I found. I was looking to extend the organic feeling of the roots.

This was a great learning experience and I hope to do another really soon. Here are some very poor pictures I took on sunday.

to do today - aka trying to manage work through a drug haze

short recs
clean out bag
print out choli patterns
draft and print semi circle skirt
draft and print full circle skirt
confirm times with dixie and terry and craft group
pay pg&e
Pay cell
pay phone
do math rent
do ce grid
take dw tutorial
take notes an bawdy on line
re-email random - find out what is going on
Do materials list for new corset