upswing

smaller and smaller 247 whoo whoo. And I am now nagging Kaiser for an appointment. Laggers.

It smacks of desperation

So the following are a couple of emails I didn't send. Mainly because there is something pathetic about it... and I am just not that hard up. On the other hand I did write them. Oh, well.

First Email I didn't send

Subject: Hey

x,

So if you were gonna take a pass with me it would have been nice for you to let me know. Just good manners and at the end of the day I deserve at the minimum courtesy.

peace,
[me]

p.s. I ran across this on Saturday and thought you might dig it.
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2008/03/14


Second Email

Subject: Karma

x,

So I was thinking back to our conversation Saturday night and how bothered you were by folks who didn't reply to your emails... who left you hanging. It seems in light of that the least you could have done gotten back to me and let me know that you weren't into me. Just food for thought, ya know? Best of luck finding what you are looking for.

[me]

rejection

rejection sucks

I don't want feel this way.
And I guess I do. I asked the universe to gift me with things that matter. Well If the rejection didn't matter I wouldn't feel this way. What is the lesson... Be careful what you ask for?

I think it feels this intense because it is a effective reminder of past rejections, particularly the break up with my ex-husband.

Oh, well. I am moving on - it doesn't do to wallow. It would have been nice to at least get a blow off email though. I well and away deserve that.

oh well best not to dwell

Silly crushes... Oh, well. Time to get back on the horse as it were. And in my case beat the hell out of it. I have cast the net again, now with an even more precise idea of what I am after.

notes to self

Be yourself - your brash, blunt upfront, happy puppy self. And fuck the world if they don't god damn love it!

It is okay to want what you want.

sex

kink

friendship

a crash test dummy

toys

affection

conversation

Interview the next person you want to play with

----

Horny. Horny like a 14 year old boy - including intellectual capacity.

Fer fuck's sake

----

bought some toys. Sent flirty aggressive email. (put myself out there). I am kinda riding the let down that he hasn't called me or responded since Saturday am. Yup in a funk. Despite that I feel good about the (names omitted) thing. I also feel good that I made a move email wise, because if it turns out (as I pessimistically suspect) that he isn't into me, then I would rather know now than a day or two later after I have spent time fantasizing about him - though I may not be able to prevent that. Oh, well. Trying to distract myself with work. Grrrr. Crushes suck. I love having one. I feel alive and hopeful and down all at once. If this one doesn't pan out for not there will be others. And crushes can just be that. And they don't have to pan out into relationship or even friendship. I thing the let down feeling comes from knowing that I want that crushy feeling — and it is much harder to get than a date or sex — and now that I am feeling the beginnings of one I don't want to loose it. I was worried that if I tried to grasp it too hard I would make it slip through my finders — but when I think about dealing with a submissive guy and me being honestly me that is ridiculous. I am brash, bold, upfront and the right kind of guy for me is gonna find that exciting, endearing and attractive. And fuck all the fools who don't.

------

I spent the time getting to know him. I liked him, got mentally creative... then NOTHING. FUCKER. Someone is gonna get punished.

I am currently a bit bruised just so you know though. I am coming off a crush on someone... turns out they were less than honest about being into my type (big) and I went and spent the time to get to know them, liked them and then *poof* nothing... which isn't a big deal. Really it is no harm no foul. It would just be a pain in the ass to get all flirty and excited about someone only for it to flop on that basis

Virtual Leg humping and mug shot chicken

Both new experiences that came my way this weekend

Virtual Leg Humping
The occurrence of one party in an introduction IM conversation only being able to speak about sex and taking ever statement made by the second party as an inference to sex or a sexual innuendo. This becomes virtual leg humping when the second part is actually talking about working out (or something similar) and the response by the second part is to take it as an invitation for sex. The other criteria for this dialog to be considered virtual leg humping, is for the overtly horny party to be good natured yet clueless.

Mug Shot Chicken
This is an email interaction that happens when Internet dating that goes like this.

First party posts on a board for a boy/girlfriend, partner or fwb or nsa and request a photo upon reply
Second party replies asking for a photo without a reply
First party requests that the second party provide the originally requested photo
The second party replies specifying that a photo will only be provided after the first party provides one
*at this point it has become a game of chicken. A "who is desperate enough to cough up the photo first" thing.
The first part refuses and requests the idiot second party to read the post, admonishing the second party about playing mug shot chicken.


On a totally separate note. I am down to 248.5. And the goal from Kaiser was 248 (as of last week).

today. lunch 4 crispy tocos, three cups of fruity tea

It ended October 2005

I got out. Thank God. But I really like what I wrote... there is something so genuinely me about it that I feel it is worth keeping.

the nature of want

"want" is vastly different than "would like to" in my book. For instance I would like to learn to speak spanish, thai and travel to Oz. I would like to get an extra work out in this week and get an extra camping trip planned in for the summer today. Those things are on an utterly different level than the things I want.

The things I want I actively make time for and devote energy to. The things I truly want I go out an get. No exceptions. I want to eat healthily, finish the design on my portfolio site, take pictures of my art, practice flogging, and make connects to people therefore I make time and spend energy doing those things. I may not do them perfectly right off the bat. I experience different levels of sucess but at the end of the day I am sincere in my actions and devotions to the things I want.

I was the stinky deli lady

and there I was. hopped on the train after doing all the am stuff I was supposed to do....

made the kid lunch
made and packed my health diet lunch
ate b-fast
remembered book
dressed
got tampax
got to work before 8:30
prepped the gym bag
checked bank account :(
got out the fucking door

I walked to bart (ick) and was feeling sort of thin. All was going well. As I trotted down the stairs to get the SF train I caught a wiff of deli and quickly scanned the crowd in order to find the offender and avoid them. But as I moved quickly down the platform the scent was gone and I felt like I had dodged a minor bullet.

I sat down mid-car and when I opened my bag to get my funny funny Christopher Moore book, I was assaulted by the pungent oder of my healthy healthy diet lunch. I quickly moved to cover it up but then as the train ride progressed I could see the other riders start to notice it. Some looking around suspiciously, my seat-mate shifting strangely and giving me the eye. That is when it dawned on me.

I was the stinky deli lady. It was me. I reeked.

It was humbling. I now must invest in some kind of smell proof way to get my onion ladden lunches to work. Once can't flirt on the train if you smell like a sandwich.