Dichotomy vs Congnative Dissonance

I am deeply sad and lonely. To the point of wonder what it is all worth and trying to see a fulfilling future for myself. I am so sad that I cannot have the relief and release I get from bulimia without destroying myself. I am just sad that I cannot have relief and release. It feel like when I was very young and I couldn't have what I saw those around me having... love and attention from my parents. Protection from harm. Food, toys and cloths. And I feel horrible about myself. I feel ugly and unlovable/ weak and stupid. And like all these feelings are crushing me.

When I look at the bigger picture outside my loneliness and self loathing I have a good life. I come from welfare, hard-core drug addiction and homelessness. And I have an apartment I am managing to hold on to. My kids are doing okay. I live in a pretty part of the world. I have a job, a computer and a car. My friends and community are just wonderful.

I am very lucky and privileged and profoundly sad and in desperate need of help and support. Both things are true at the same time.

Letter to x-friend that I won't send

Dear [Friends name removed here],

Over the past few months and especially over the last few weeks things have not gone well between us. Even before the food processor/camp out flake incident you have been really critical and mean with me… and I consequently have spent less and less time around you.

You clearly expressed that my handling of the food processor issue was something that you found highly egregious. And that you were not tolerant of me making any mistakes… when I was more than willing own the mistakes I made. This is what you said when I offered to replace the machine with a brand new temp until I could get you yours back:

"I heard you fine, you don't seem to be hearing me.

I am baffled that you fail to understand that the only way that was
appropriate to deal with a loan like this is to watch over it
personally, to bring it back in your own vehicle, and to personally
bring it back to my house. I am also baffled that you could possibly
think that anything else was acceptable as a response.

The issue I have isn't that you made a mistake, nor am I saying you
overtly tried to screw with me.

The issue is that I told you I had concerns, and then you didn't do
the above. You were careless in the extreme, and I absolutely feel
fucked over by that, specifically as a breach of trust."

I feel sorry for you. If, overtime somebody makes a mistake you take it as a personal attack and an attempt to fuck you over. That is a hard lonely inflexible way to live. I clearly understand we aren't friends anymore because of a difference in philosophical points of view. I think you are a very smart complex person. I don't wish you ill. I do believe there is good chance that I will be treated poorly when around you.

When you walked into NIMBY on any number of occasions you demanded attention. You refused to do anything without being told/supervised and got mad when I didn't have instant answers for you. Very often when working on projects I figure things out as I go. Your lack of patients was a detriment to my enjoyment and productivity.

I think you were less than up front about the campout and your level of participation. You committed to do something and then pulled out at the last min. leaving me fairly screwed. You said you were sick but you were well enough to go work at NIMBY. If you didn't want do it you should have said no when I asked OR have been upfront when you decided you didn't want to go. Instead, you just pretended that you weren't flaking on me and then found some excuse to flip out on me.

The things you said to me in email about the food processor have damaged our friendship. I know you don't think you did anything and that I was the only one who fucked up. For clarity's sake, your constant shit-fits, and negative snipping at me makes me not want to be around you.

You said at that you felt neglected. I don't know what you goal was by saying that. If you want my time and attention then you have a) ask for it b) accept that sometimes you won't get it and c) not constantly make negative critical remarks to me.

Even after the damage you inflicted over a fucking food processor I was polite to you and gave my time and energy in the XXXXXXX project… and all you did was complain that it wasn't enough. Like I owed you something. I am not responsible for the choices you make. I don't owe you my time an attention. I don't owe anybody my time and attention. If I choose to give it then that is a gift. If I make agreements to share my time and energy and then you complain about the amount and quality of it I am going to walk way.

You look a gift horse in the mouth and you have treated me like your little lackey bitch. Well fie on you.

Your ex friend,


[me]


This letter was written to make myself feel better and get some closure. I never sent it.

being thrown on the floor and walked on hurts

God. I am just sad. This sucks. I feel so cut off, angry and hurt. And taken the fuck for granted. I love building things with my friends. I hate being used and disrespected. I am so so so fucking angry and hurt when people treat me like I am their bitch. Just there to toil away for their glory.

I worked really hard on an art project. Now somebody who hurt me and prevented good things from happening to me is getting to do the fun part. And will get all the credit. And that is how it goes.

Creating things, building things involved a certain percentage of work, a certain percentage of pure fun, and a certain amount of PITA (pain in the ass factor).

I choose to be part of somebody else's project. Just because I was part of the project doesn't mean that I was gonna get to do the super fun parts. I didn't protect that part of the work. Now I feel lame. And stupid. And somebody who has been really shitty to me is getting to do that part instead of me. And well just fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And being clever and artistic FOR OTHER PEOPLE is sometimes really painful and I am going to have to remember that I chose it. And just fucking suck it up.

And I can't talk to anybody about this shit cause the person that is treating me all freaky and crappy is fucking EVERYWHERE… so there are no safe places for me.

Sometimes people are lame

I got a friend trying to horn in on my action. I think this person might think we are partners or that they are helping me.

I like my project the way it is. I like being able to do it my way cause I am the one who does the work and takes the responsibility.

That said I am down with feed back... I will listen, consider carefully and then choose what will or will not be acted on.

Stop trying to get me to do things your way. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Sometimes discovering your friends are negative and narrow of view is hard.

I don't want to be around negative people.

Fuck.

More fat than fat

277 lbs
Miserably lonely
still brilliantly creative
Need a sponsor so I can work part time and make art the rest of the time

Big, it doesn't have to be the end of the world.

But I am too big. I am 271 lbs. That is very close to the biggest I have ever been in my whole life. That is icky. But also this doesn't feel like the end of the world or something I have to be in crisis about. It just feels like something that needs to be addressed.

It should be noted that I am doing waaaaay less compulsive eating and other icky things then I have ever done in the last 20 odd years. So yes, there were ass expanding consequesnces. But those are the breaks.

I have created menu's for the next several days. I am gonna do atkins cause I know it is a diet I can do.

And I am gonna look for a diet app today. I love me some data.

It should also be noted that when I was this large in the past I felt way worse about myself then I do now. I am more attractive, smarter and good, good, good. That fact exists at the same time as that wicked dress size (22/24)

3 eggs with cheese
1 cup of tea w/cream
1 cup lettuce
4 oz chicken

4 cheese sticks
burger patty
1 cup lettuce
6 oz steak
2 oz b. cheese
3 tbl almond
1tsp choco
and cream

Thing

Oh, and on the kid front

The bad
In November when my bag was stolen, my ipod fell out and Hazzy found it and kept it for himself.... so he could watch porn.
Nice.

So he was stealing from me as late as November.

The not as bad

When I confronted him about it he didn't say he was sorry but he didn't drag it out and try to treat me like I was a crazy lady either. So that is something.

Big Sigh

le sigh

265.4 lbs
No more lap band (removed April 4th)
Feeling extra crappy

I am way to fat for me. This feels uncomfortable and my ankles are all swollen and vieny. Ick. Ouch. Ick. Non of my cloths fit.

One cup of tea
2pkg of mm's (25g x2)
1cup coffee
1 piece egg/veggie bake
1.5 cups carnitas
burble gag

This feels crap. I don't want to go aware or see any body. Ewwwwwhhh.

Sad

It is really hard to hear that your kid only care's about you cause they have to...

And the only reason they are trying to be better at empathy toward you is to get something they want.

1) It just is a little heart breaking
2) it is way heartbreaking cause it means that your kids just might be not a very good person deep down.

Rachel

time to stop fucking around

This is bullshit. Losing a chunk of weight is gonna suck ass. It is gonna extra suck because I am a compulsive eater that eats my own HUGE lonely heart.

But fuck it. I am hear by saying to myself stop being such a god damn baby. Fucking suck it up. Is it going to be mind bendingly crappy... yes. And just fucking do it already. No more start tomorrow, start after dinner, start when XYZ is in place.

So I fucking started already.

• Make punishing meal plan (check)
• Go to gym EVERY FUCKING DAY YOU WORK IN SF! No exceptions. Doesn't matter if it is crowded... or that I might have to go after work. Or gasp... before work. 
• Clean all the shit food out of the house... yes again. God damn it. 
• Buy only the following at the store (costco bitch)

• Cheese sticks
• Plain salmon or chicken boobs
• eggs, lots of eggs
• celery
• green veg
• miso

30 fucking days lady... till they cut you at least. Got to get off the fucking eat and bitch train. Suck it the fuck right up.

Man-i-fist-ation

Emphasis on the "man" part.

I want a partner. Outside of judgment and feminist prose and the fear of the pathetic stink of desperation I really do want a partner. I am happier partnered and I have been alone too long.

Once I have accepted that it now bears asking what kind of partner am I looking for.* And me being me I will break it down to categories.

The physical

• 5'8 to 6' feet or so
• Strong
• Smells good
• Cute in the face (cute being subjective here)
• well equipped, but not too well equipped
• skin that is nice to touch

The intellectual

• Smart... really smart
• likes to solve puzzles and create things
• Would enjoy making things with me
• likes to socialize
• reads
• wants to learn new things all the time

The sexual

• is a masochist
• and adventurous
• pansexual
• likes rope
• loves sensation and games
• loves my body
• can deal/work with non-monogamy

The emotional

• is emotionally available
• pays attention to details
• likes to show affection though touch
• wants to be connected
• has a complex heart
• can take risks
• willing to know and love me

The logistical

• Has time... lots of time for me
• has room for me and my big life to crash into him and his big life
• can support himself

* this me me me, what I want list in in light of the fact that I have equal kick assery to offer.

Must she always be

such a condescending bitch?

Any opinion that doesn't agree with hers is considered stupid and lame.

Does she even realize that she is turning into the woman she bitches the most about.

Gag, gag, gag. What the fuck.

I need a new, more engaging job where I am respected.

Learning about age

"Today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be again."

This kicked ass. This is were I found it: http://corinneleigh.tumblr.com/page/3

Weight from the outside

Hmmm. It is pretty interesting. I just lost 20 lbs. (don't get too excited, out of 120 that needed/needs to go.)

I am in the middle of the expierince when folks notice and their reactions when I share. It is pretty crazy both the internal and external reactions.

Internally I am working hard on not getting arificially elated. I mean, this isn't as important to me as finishing and art project or buying a car... why get that stoked? Feel good yes, cause it is something accomplished with work... therefore success but not the be all and end all of my self value. I was super cool with the 20lbs and I am super cool without it. The only difference is the size of pants I am wearing when it comes down to it.

Externally, wow the praise when people notice... it is crazy. So much validation... hmm, there is a v word... like value... I am worth more to society as a thinner person is the message I am getting. According to the outside western world I am worthy of more. Ewwwwwhhhhhhh!!!! God that is gross. I don't value that... it doesn't line up with my moral code.

Yes, I do want to be seen as worthy of good stuff including love, praise and reccognition. It is a basic human need I have just like all the other monkey's. But to have my value broken down to a pants size... and to have the very painful price I have paid to lose the weight be praise no matter how destructive. Fucking hell. That is messed up.

So, here I am in the moment. I am pointing out a teachable moment to myself. I am not the skewed values of others, society at large or men. I am not going to value my self by the number on a pair or pants or on a scale. I am just going to do what makes my body feel good... and fuck the judgment and opinions.

The dark heart of me

Well that last post was a peek at this dark demon in my head and heart that whispers nasty shit at me. It wears my mothers face a lot... but mostly my own. It tells me constantly all the reasons I should be reviled and remain abandoned or harshly used. That voice has been there as long as I can remember being aware of myself that way. Maybe since I was 4 or so... It isn't going away. But I sure as fuck can make sure it has no power.

It took one line of text to slap me just a millimeter or two out of it. And sometimes all you need is a millimeter or two...

The line was "Size is a number. Confidence is a choice"

Fuck this stupid judgmental crap. My fat is just fat. Being conventional beautiful will not make me happy... just accepted by more people. I gotta ask myself "Do I want to be accepted by those people?" Admit to myself that I want acceptance and then GET OVER IT.


I kick ass. I am generous and smart - kind and creative - I might not be a rock star but I haven't won the lottery either. So fuck it. I am really REALLY good people. I am going to be kind. I am going to be compassionate. To everyone... including myself.

I have outstandingly pretty eyes and a kick ass mind. I am really good at herding cats. I make things happen. I will make things happen for myself today. These things:

1. I will not over eat
2. I will eat the healthy things I have bought
3. I will go to the gym
4. I will do one career thing
5. I will finish my corset mock up (hey, I just asked for help)

I choose to be confident. I choose to be happy. I choose to push past my fears. I choose to fucking ROCK. 

Fear losing control and totall backsliding

Fuck.

So now we are three days straight of not being on the wagon. Admittedly I am pretty down but really more just anxious about the car sit. I MUST fix it. No matter the cost. I really need my life back.

I made art last night. Almost to the glory part of the corset mock up.

Need to redesign the under bust for the army shirt. Need a combo tactical/formal look. Wish I could work on crafty crap all day today.

I did a good thing going to the gym yesterday. I will go to the gym today. Even though the very though is icky icky icky. I feel like a fat lump of nothing. So disgusting. Maybe I will go at 11... the fewer people the better.

I just want to crawl out of my skin. I feel like a stranger.

Grrr.

Back up to 244 in three seconds or less.

I suck.

If I won the lottery or pulled some crazy manouver

The one year plan

1. Buy a car (nothing fancy, just my little Rav4... in great condition)
2. Buy a house - My dream loft of arty goodness in Oakland or SF
3. Make 2 college funds for the boys
4. Quit my job
5. Find a new job I like doing
6. Spend a year losing a goodly chunk of weight (say down to 130 - 150) (need to lose 110 to 90 lbs) Hey that is not bad! Most of my adult life I have had to loose 150 lbs... but those numbers aren't so scary. nope not at all. Heck at 10 lbs a month average that is less then a year. And I have already started so getting the money together is the part that would take longer... least for the body goals.
7. Get in kick ass shape. Exercise and do martial arts ALL THE TIME. God that sounds aces... and lots of hiking and camping. What a dream, spend a day hiking out someplace (city or woods) and just chill and draw and paint.
8. Clear my debts
9. Book a 2 month vacation in south America with Lu and get plastic surgery to take care of all the useless crap left on my body from a hard life. I love me. I love me. And even if this stuff is on me forever I will still love me. And somebody out there is gonna love me too. There are people who love me now. I will find a partner who is gonna love me with the extra crap on my body or not. But if I won the lottery I would get lots of stuff done.. and be able to pay Lu to look after me. Trust is an important thing. Really important.
10. Come home, make art... show art. Work at something I love and enjoy and hopefully believe in. Maybe start my own company. 
11. Play, laugh and love as much as I can.

Now of all that stuff what can I do without winning the lottery

Buy car
Loose weight
Exercise a LOT
Play, laugh and love as much as I can


Other possibilities
Start my own company
Make art and show work

Master Plans... at least for a while

Just get through today and tomorrow

Today
Put away laundry
Pick up car from Terry
Go shopping at army surplus and Target
Return Car 
Hang out with Hazzy
Attempt bag repair
Sew curtains
Maybe second half of corset??? We will see.
Send email about K.com job... inquire about contract and full time
Make up gym bag
Make up drawing kit


Tomorrow
Go to work
Touch base with kids after work
Connect with Haz
Get x-mas dinner food at TJ's (think real small) Or maybe buy Wednesday night

X-Mass
Two Movies (3 adults) = 32.00 x2 = 64.00 (fucking A)
Mellow mellow dinner and hang out

Sunday
Craft, and hang out with the boy
Finish Jessie's Pattern Draft
Finish BC for food guy
Work on at least 4 crafty projects for me personally
Book some company for later that night
Prep Stuff for work
Take sleeping pill
Work on calendar of transportation

Monday
Leave berkeley VERY VERY EARLY work out
Work on flowers and leaves
Work on portfolio
After work, work on Ouchies site

What I am doing with my life

I am buying a car

I am being a good partner

I am creating art every day

I am going to events, "those, kinds"

I am exercising every day

I am getting a divorce

I am having sex

I am laughing every chance I get

I am asking for help

I am helping people

I am loved... I will be loved more

I will love more