Repeat as needed

I am enough all on my own. I am complete. And quite frankly fantastic. And there are billions of people on this planet. There are 7 million people in the bay area. In 7 million people there are gonna be some menfolk that I like that are gonna like me fucking back. And I will not settle for anything less then I deserve. I will be with someone smart, pretty and sweet and strong. And I am well worth those things.

I dont' like this part at all.

The part I hate about liking somebody. The part I wish I could cut out. The part I forgot. And I better get to the description before I start writing bad goth poetry.

When he is spontaneous and asks me to do stuff or invites me to stuff or asks to make plans I am elated. Way to thrilled by it... cause when he cancels I get so bummed. It is a real drag.

I do think it is a case of needing X amount of attention and affection and whatnot and not getting it. The thing is that I want it from/with someone I like. Not that isn't the waitress nice like... that other kind. Where I am just happy to be around them and hear weird stories about shirts and belt buckles.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. I need to grow up. And stop being so touchy. And adding weight to stuff in my own head. And quit being so fucking greedy.

I need to remember that being this uncomfortable is only temporary. That sleeping alone (again) is not the worst fate ever. That I will be wanted... and just because I am starved for it doesn't give me license to be a greedy rude selfish fucker.

If I need more it is my job to go out and get it. And so I will. Phew. And I will not make comparisons. And I will not settle. And I am a fucking amazing person. And just being alone does not negate that.

So I will let go of my anger. It is really just hurt and childishness anyhow. Poooh.

Where the center of the universe is... NOT.

It is not all about me. No really. It isn't. Sometimes somebody else's weirdness (like inviting somebody somewhere and then not making introductions) has nothing to do with me, what they think of me, how they value me at all. It could be their deal. It most likely is their deal.

A friend said, very wisely to me yesterday, that everyone living in their own story. And so I was able after that very sage advice (with good scenarios) to not be a freak and to put my bad dream behind me.

Discovery, it is very weird to have a bad dream where the dream person (who is in your bed) is the featured heart crushing bad guy. VERY WEIRD.

I feel dormant

Numb inside. I resent having to eat. In fact I am not going to eat this thing in front of me. Ewwwhhh and not just because it is a unappetizing frozen dinner. When I picked it out I was uninterested.

I am just not engaged with what I am doing. I am fixated on stuff that is totally inapproriate for work or family time. I can't speak and all I really want to do is go dance, draw or fuck.

Arrrrrgggggghhhhh. This is crazy.

Wound up with no focus is no fun.

Reckless Hearted

That is how I feel. And it almost a high.

Got a shrink.

Getting a divorce.

Getting healthy

Got a lover.

Gonna make art.

Gonna take care of my money issues.

One day at a time. (fucking cheese 12 step phrases)

I am gonna do things that bring me joy.

I am gonna spread my joy like a virus.

I am gonna burn bright but I am not gonna burn out.

I am not gonna bring weight down on my self.

I will be loved. I am loved.

I almost forgot

245

but I am not a number. What actually feels better is how loose these size 18 pants are. That feels mega good.

processing

I will get okay, nigh even enjoy the uncertainty re: sound guy (not to mention the rest of my life). Not knowing when we might see each other is going to have to be okay… well I guess it is kinda easier cause I know I only have to wait 6 days. F'ing six days. Good golly I am gonna crawl out of my skin. And I don't even know if I will get actual contact and wow am in a greedy phase. Well maybe not a phase. More like an ebb and flow things with my long standing and heretofore starved appetites.

Today's goals try not to get lost in daydreams.

Things not to forget from last night… tease more (he is good at it which was a nice lesson) Use different modes of communication… the thank you's were very nice. Games are good. Switch up more. Get a space heater… if god loves me there is one with a remote. I liked sleeping with him… just the touch was awesome.

In the emotional arena:
I don't feel panicy any more. Even if I was to be cut loose, it would be okay. I would be okay even if I wouldn't like it and would get a little sad. Maybe I am starting to believe just a little that I am lovely enough (as a human) to deserve good and lovely people… that is okay okay for me to want them and sometimes they will want me back. Less panic about my own wants needs and abilities. I just gotta remind myself that just because this is good that it will not be the last good thing to come my way… or that I am capable of hunting down if need be.

Email I am not sending includes an invitation to stop by my place on his way back south way late tonight. I am afraid of coming across as clingy even though I would be nice if only for the sweet cuddles and the possibility of am lovin'. Go self control.

Note to self: It might be nice if i didn't swear and curse so much.

Horoscopes that kick ass

Yesterdays: Could you be having more fun than this? Never say never, but it's likely that you'd have to be partying with rock stars and astronauts in celebration of your sixth consecutive lottery win.


Todays: Consider planning a romantic interlude, Sagittarius. With the influence from today's planetary aspects, it will be easy to connect with that special someone. Go out for dinner with your spouse or partner or make a date with someone new who's caught your eye. Don't let shyness or insecurity stand in your way. If you're single, consider loving the most important person in your life - you - by doing something special.

I am not a number and I am worthy of love, lust, attention and affection just the way i am. I will save my chemical rushes of happiness (self generated thank you) for things like spending time with friends and lovers or friends who are lovers rather then what some size on a pair or pants or a number on a scale tells me. I will have my laughter and joy saved for when things really matter. 

That being said I am patting myself on the back for dropping down to 247 and for getting very comfortably down to a size 18 pair of pants... the 16 would have fit but they wouldn't have been comfortable to sit in all day and the muffin top would have limited what tops I could have worn with them. 


I am also going to take credit for maintaining a 90% reduction in compulsive eating for 4 weeks solid now. I have done a good job asking for help and surrounding myself with people. I am going to keep asking for help and I will be respectful about not leaning overly on any one individual.

I will not be a spaztic dork (about this one thing)

chuffed. Asked me to come see his band.
I am not going to read anything into anything.

But I will be dorky happy about the overture but only for a bit.

But I will not over think it, buy new outfits (shudder, den mother wrongness!!!!), or get drunk.

Well that was different

instead of:

Eating my weight in brie, crackers, ice cream and whatever

I took my loneliness to the bar. Had two pints of Racer 5. Was in a room with other people. Then came home did not drunk post. Ate, but not too much and put myself to bed.


249.1

Emotional fall out

Well fuck. So had a lovely mellow time with Soundguy last night. Stayed up way too late on a school night. Had lovely morning. Hmmm. Good times. But kissing someone good bye and then going to work was painful. It is not that I am in love with him. I don't know him well enough and my heart is a guarded beast. It is that I want to wake up with someone all the time, if not most days then at least half of them.

Having something I so powerfully want after such a period of deprivation is almost as painful as doing without. The contrast is such a harsh experience. Giving my actual loneliness a fine sharp edge.

The last thing I need is more sharp edges.

I am uncomfortable, and I am going to have to get okay with being in distress, if I am ever going to get the opportunity to have something more then isolation and sharp edges.

Change is fucking hard.

sweet, slightly bitter on the back end

So I was crazy bouncy for the last several days. That was grand and I am very grateful for it. This morning I am sad though… sometime sleeping with someone is a delight and fantastic… and other times it also feels like it is a sharp bit of punctuation on my loneliness. Fiddle.

Back to manifestation work. This time for love AND sex AND friendship. Then again 2 out of three ain't bad.

In the mean time I will just try try to breath through it. Any insight on how one can deal with profound loneliness would be awesome.

It is hard not to dwell on feeling like it will be this way forever. I know it isn't true. But fuck, fuck, fuck.

What makes me feel wanted, needed, loved, desired all that. And of that stuff what can I do for myself. Accccckkkk. I need to plan better.

Bouncing... Super bouncing

I am feeling crazy good and perky... but not in that sky high way. In a sustainable up way.  Wheeeee....

So a while back I had clocked in a 259, that went up to 261. I am not a number. I am down to 253. I am still not a number and I will not let how that scale reads be the only measure of my self worth in a day.

That is basically my mantra as I get on the scale. I will take the 6-8 lb win cause I worked hard. But even if I hadn't lost a thing, I am beautiful, smart, wicked fun, and worthy of love. So there.

I need to remember

I am amazing. And anybody to who gets to be with me is damn lucky.

Fuck all those who judge my solely by my body.

Also:
I started a new connection last week. And when I say new  I mean a new kind of connection... new person too, but that isn't the important part. The nature of the connection is. It would be easy to get all wrapped up and as someone hungry for connection and greedy for contact it is very tempting.

I am gonna take it easy. I am going to be good to myself. I am going to forgive myself for my mistakes and missed opportunities and fall back in the clever fun joyful parts of learning someone new. I am going to show that same kindness and compassion to others when they stumble.

I should avoid caffine

always and forever I think.


Feeling anxious and twitchy and insecure. Should have made date with pet. Then I could just be all brainstormy. ACCCCKkkkkkk. Okay. Break this down to what it is and is not and don't fall into being some lame no-confindence freak.

So I am feeling needy and anxious and worried about being valued.

What questions does that break down to:
What needs did not get met last night?
Not enough attention
Not enough connection

And what needs did?
Some attention
some time
execution on creativity
smell + warmth

How can I change that in the future?

Get in better shape, have more endurace, don't plan bigger play on a school night. Plan my scenes out more.

Fuck how other people value me... I will value myself. Quick exercise. What are 10 things I appreciate about myself.

1. My imagination. It is excellent. Needs to be taken care of with healthy things, time and sleep.
2. My skin. I hate but I also love it. It delivers lots of great sensations. 
3. My enthusiasm. I always try my best to be fully "go".
4. My honesty about boring things. I need to be more honest. Make admission about honesty and lack of knowledge more often. No more "glossy" truths.
5. My bravery in the face of the ruin my body is. 
6. My vulnerabilty
7. That I will dance
8. My hands. I love my hands and all they do.
9. My brain. It is decent... I do all right.
10. My willingness to learn

They say confession is good for the soul. So fricking confess the following:

• I need sleep I am over tired and reacting in an immature way.
• I want to be adored.
• I want to be seen and in the seeing accepted with joy.
• I want the freedom to care about people.
• I want to endure being alone with grace.
• I am being self absorbed.
• I with I was more accepted without being less than myself
• I wish I was not so clumsy with people

housekeeping my lifestyle

Keeping reality in mind what can I get/expect from this new thing
(see breakout below)

Now that that math is done what would those things look like?

• attention - this is just a matter of clocking time.. at least 1 in person a week… but 2 would be better.
• sex - at least once a week… also need to work on what kind and making it good for me first, e-function
• affection - greeted with a kiss, left with a kiss. Greeted with touch. Frequent massage esp head rubs
• an outlet for my darkness and creativity - scenes
• conversation - lunches, dinners, walks, projects
• devotion - asks permission before doing things with other peeps, dates with me come before other players (all with good manners), Always calls when plans change
• connection (however limited) - remembers what I like, shares things

What do I have to offer?
attention, creativity, affection, sex, time, focus (caveat, this list contains only the things I think wouldn't be rejected. I also have love, companionship, partnership, excitement, and community to offer)

Also a topic to be worked on… how to not get attached? Write some rules.

• Go at least several days a week without initiating contact.
• Date other people

Advantages

• attention
• sex
• learning how to be with someone in the moment
• companionship

Disadvantages

• rejection
• attachment leading to heartbreak
• performance anxiety

Do Han Solo. (check)

Horoscope notes of worth: An exciting but inappropriate flirtation needs choices grounded in reality.

Evidently you weren't the only one being underhanded. The other party comes clean about his/her ulterior motives today.

259

What do I want

Attention
sex
affection
and outlet for my darkness
and creativity
conversation
collaboration
devotion
love
connection
partnership

Keeping reality in mind what can I get/expect from this new thing
attention
sex
affection
an outlet for my darkness and creativity
conversation
devotion
connection (however limited)


Now that that math is done what would those things look like?


This is will have to ponder for a while... do some more reading.