Sept. 25, 2007 - burning sad loneliness

I just wonder what keeps me moving. And right now I am so tired. It seems there is never enough sleep to take this feeling away. I am killing myself to make a decent life for Haz. And there just isn't enough. And I don't think there ever will be. I am pouring all my time, energy and money into this kid and he just keeps dumping on me. Tearing me apart with his words and actions. He is wasting everything and I don't know what to give to him. And i am so worn out with it. Worn down to this fat unhappy creature who has no value in my own eyes... I have this utter sense of being befret. Befret of love of care of respect. And like a child I can only ask why. what must be wrong with me. And I know as I ask this it is useless... why is the wasted question. Why is only a drain on me.