so so so angry right now

I am trying really really hard to not take the kid's behavior personally. But for fuck's sake. I asked for some very very simple things.

1) do one load of laundry (still not done after 6 days and had to be rewashed as it was left wet... it is currently wet again!!)

2) Stay out of my room! Just stay the fuck out. Let me have something that is just mine, my space, peaceful space or my mess but something left unspoiled. Could they fuck no. ( I came home to find a door I specifically closed open and cards I had taken away missing from my closet.)

3) pick up the discusting living room. Filled with his magic cards flung about, broken toothpickes and various bits of trash. (50% of which is still here)

4) Always!!! Always wear your bike helmet. (I have come home to find the helmet sitting on the couch.)

5) Tell me where your are going. ( He said he cleaned up and that he was going to Noah's. When I call Noah's house he isn't there.)

6) Be home before dark. ( It is now 4:58pm and he is no where in sight)

7) Put your things way. Go through the house and put anything you see away!! ( Now, let's take a tour of what I got when I arrived home. The Entryway - His binder, tennis balls + Racket, garbage, his old bike chain, a toy gun I had taken away months ago. The Kitchen - Nick's crap everywhere piles of trash on the floor, rotting food on the counter, and dried cereal and milk crust on the floor and cutting board, sugar all over the floor, hmm humm good. The Living room, trash snibbles everywhere, broken toothpicks and magic cards, unvacuumed carpet. The Bathroom - toilet full of rotting stinking piss, missing q=tip container. Now doesn't that sound so so fun.)

8) It is now 5:16 and almost dark and I am worried. I have no idea where he is, where to look or anything. All I know is that he left on his own (cause he took his bike) and that is wasn't at Noah's. Grrrr. Where is he? And wy does he think this is okay???

Now that I have written all this out I am not as angry but I am much much more sad. This sucks. And I had being alone freaking out.

I thought I didn't suck

But apparently I do. I haven't posted since Dec. 12th. So many crazy things. Many edifying experiences with my sister, which I will get into later. And no little social interaction. More fun with wage garnishment and the state of california. Grrrrrrr. And on that note I polished my fingernails.

Anyhow, I set up the acupuncturist for at least the next six months and made a dr. appointment for the feet etc. for the 14th. My first visit for the needles was on the 28th. The acupuncturist was really nice and I have the following goals for this week:

1) No refined grains/sugars (flour, pasteries, bagels, limit pasta to 1-2 times a week, no soda, candy, etc.)

2) Eat 3 solid meals per day, with lean protein at each meal

3) Drink plenty of water (8 glasses a day)

4) Exercies moderate for 30 to 60 min. 3-5 x week

5) daily food log, especially in relationship to acid reactions

6) 2 tablets of chayme per meal

So on that note

Started today with a large mug of black tea with milk
Slight acid reaction on the train, no tums

B-fast - Protein shake (Odwalla Almond)
remembered herbs
no acid reaction

Lunch - City salad from Noah's (green with walnuts and blue cheese) the only bummer is that after I ate it I realized the dressing had miles of sugar in it - basalmic vinagar is like that.
remembered herbs
had mild stomach cramp reaction 20 min after

Must Everything be a fucking argument

I have worked here for ages it seems.. in my third year. But when I speak it is as if the stupid monkey is talking and I couldn't possibly have a valid opinion. I have to justify everything. And cave into the directives of incompetent people. God, why do I do this to myself. I got really really upset about something this morning. A map I very lovingly drew (16 hours) is getting slammed, dumbed down and and printed looking like shite as well as being off brand after the dumbing down. Maybe I am just over tired but wow, what a shitty day to day experience. And I write stuff off all the time. I found myself repeating things I said a year ago to my old design director to my new design director. Pathetic. It is never going to change here.

It doesn't help that my new boss's boss hates me and it looks to be shaping up that my new design director is going to hate me too. And wow what a demoralizing fucking thing to look forward to coming into everyday.

I have been doing this a long long as time, and either I must suck at it or that being good at your job means nothing... and all that people want is for me to go yes, yes, yes. If someone wants me to do a job please just tell me what you want and don't trouble me about how I get it done.

I guess I am feeling pretty sabotaged. I keep getting fooled. Like a dog being thrown a fake stick... I just keep running out there... and then I do it again. What a goat fuck.

I am sad.

And for my own self and to say it to the world. I am a damn good designer. And I am fucking smart. And all the posers with their fucking fancy titles and degrees can just keep being insecure little asswhipes... it won't make them any good. So there.

finding meaning

a list for cut off closed out girl

my house mate helped my son with math homework

my sister calls only to talk about herself, she is very petty

a stranger on the street told me I was beautiful on Saturday

a creepy old man propositioned me for sex when all I wanted was to buy a bike tire from him

I haven't called my friends the way I should

I flaked on my volunteer gig

I had a good talk with Nick after he had a shitty day

I spoke to the kids about the dirty house without yelling

I haven't done any art for a million years

I haven't done even on tenth of the projects I have on the board

I can't relax

I am so lonely and too insecure to really do anything about it

I haven't exercised in months

I ate McDonald's yesterday

I found a new sci-fi book

I get my room back in 8 days

I will be 37 in 7 days

I need something pretty to wear on Saturday

Friday is my company holiday party

I need a vacation

I need to work harder

I need to show my work

I need to take pictures of my work

I need a better job

There is defrosted steak in my fridge

There is also enough defrosted spinach in my fridge to supply the daily iron requirement of a small high school

My plants are growing

my laundry needs to be done

I took a shower this morning and even bothered to shave

I should bust out a new razor

Something good is gonna happen to me today

Common fucking sense

So I just found out that the group who outputs a lot of the things I lovingly design doesn't even look at it for quality.... they just print it. So if it looks like crap, so be it. Wow. No wonder I have begun to loose respect for my team. Which isn't exactly fair I know. But there you have it. Anyone even the desk jockey at Kinko's prints one, looks at it, makes adjustments if needed and then prints the rest. No so here. And frankly this is where I get the idea that the folks on the other end of this doesn't actually look at the output or care about the quality. I am straight out disgusted by that.

I want to work on a team that comes to work everyday to kick-ass. I want to work on a team that challenges me to do better. I want to work on a team that gives a rats ass how the work looks, that it give the professional impression it should. I want to work with a group that isn't afraid to take a risk every now and then. I want to work with a progressive group.

I have known for sometime that this group isn't it. This group will most likely never be it. I am saddened by that. Ever so saddened.

what a bitch

I am sooooo tired of her. She is a hypocrite. I asked a simple question and here response is crappy and lame. And I don't want to pick up the slack for people who can't do their fucking jobs. I don't do content. Why should I.

My boss is a condesending idiot who after being here for fricking months is so out of touch and still has no idea how things get done.

I just wanted to know what my fucking job was. Not an unreasonable question to ask one's boss.

I just don't like her and that is mostly because she is mean to me. Is she threatened? WTF

So I suck, but it is time to get over that

My house is a mess. I lasted less than a day on my new diet. The diet food I bought is rotting in my fridge and I haven't exercised for shit. And I spent the weekend on my ass. Oh, and my rent check bounced and I haven't called any of my friends back. And the negative nelly's at work have been all loud and proud and are doing an excellent job of getting me down.

Now that I have had a proper pity party and sucked down a mocha (small) I have to change this crap. No I really really do.

I need to :

• Clean the house
• do the laundry
• not eat crap
• exercise 30 min
• Call / Contact at least 3 people

Today! Okay so maybe this post is just me trying to pressure and pep talk myself into doing anything besides wandering home and lolly gagging around with my website (which I also need to finish) and cheerlead my self into action — any action.

sometime people suck

and are so quick to criticize. They want to bitch and bitch and bitch about a job they weren't able or willing do do themselves. And they spread their negativity around like a disease. If this was a group project then show up and be part of the group.

If someone else is charged with it then let them do it without trying to make them feel so incredibly small and stupid that they (I) wish I had never put out the energy in the first place.

Self absorbed cunts.

I am taking the lesson as such. The next time I charge someone else with a job, when they do it the only thing I am going to say when it is done is, thank you.

Things to do when calling a meeting

Tell people why.

And make an agenda.

Otherwise they get angry and suspicious. And if you don't know fucking ask someone. My boss is a tool. She called this meeting that was supposed to be about information sharing and praising people and well everyone took it as a finger pointing calling people to the carpet session because no one knew why there were there. What a drag. I can't stick incompetent leadership. The bummer is that she isn't always that way. I have seen her lead great meetings. And I have see ones that suck! They seem to be sucking more lately.

On the up side I am going to really look forward to a time when I have a boss between me an her. I can excel when following a strong competent leader. Or I can lead. The grey zone sucks

I might be boring

But long with my bitching and rants I will using this as my health journal. Cause I need to loose at least 20 lbs in two months. January 16th is when they will let us know.

So with that in mind I am gonna try a more serious dieting thing.

Walked .5 miles
Bfast = 1 cup oat meal 300 calories, 2g fat, 31 carbs (holy crap that is some fatty boom-ba-latty oatmeal. I won't be buying that anymore. A cup of cream of wheat is only 120)

Oh, and I set my alarm for water and refilled my water bottle.

Even thoguh it has only been 10 min since I ate, I am starving or super thirsty — I can't tell.

Let it go for fuck's sake

So let's say I make a mistake. I acknowledge the mistake, apologize for it and don't often make the same one twice.

At that point kids let it fucking go. Unless I missed something in my apology or didn't acknowledge some salient point you* don't need to keep castigating me.

Grow up.


*"You" in this instance is a amalgam of several people I work with everyday.

On lonliness

Sometimes like yesterday and today I just wish I had someone in my life to connect with. After having a low grade headache all day and a decided lack of success with professional interpersonal interactions I just wish that I wasn't going home to be essentially alone.

In a perfect world I would go home and call a friend. That friend would come over give me a kiss and we could have a cuddle and I could listen to them about their day. I just wish for that quite bit of connect comfort that comes with being with someone I could trust. The soothing feel of a caring hand petting my hair. I with I had the opportunity to give and receive comfort with a trusted friend.

To talk a bit. To listen a bit.


*btw, when I say friend up there, I mean a friend of amorous nature.

Upset... Fucking MetroPCS

I hate them. I just hate them. You have to pre-pay with them. Like rent. I had three numbers and I wanted to cancel 2 of them... and I wanted the money I pre-paid back. How silly was I. In order to get a refund they insisted that I cancel all my number... even though I still wanted on of them. And told me I would never ever be able to use that credit card with them again. Ewwwh. Okay. I was confused after that call and called them back. I got told by the customer service rep. that I would NEVER get a refund. On anything. Ever. And not only that the wouldn't give me the service I paid for through the end of December???? So they just get to keep the money. For fun. I hate them. I am going to call ATT and see if they can hook me up with some sort of service for less money than I am currently paying. It is pretty awful. I just wanted basic stuff. Arrrrgh. I feel like such a chump. And I don't have the money to feel like such a chump. This sucks. It sucks a lot. GRRRRRR. I want to cry. I don't have grocery money now because of this. FUCK!

Getting in touch with my porkinesss

So it occurs to me today that I need to get in touch with my current porkiness. I can feel the stress of life lurking in the wings ready to push my buttons. It is calling me saying "eat, eat, eat. Be occupied. Survive. Prosper (fake prosperity represented by food) Create, Nurture. DO IT NOW"

But I will resist.

Some minor goals:

For my stomach not to touch my legs when I sit
For my stoach not to touch my arms when I sit at the keyboard
For my arms to be comfortable in a t-shirt
To only have one chin
To not have my gut get in the way when I peddle on my bike
To use the left side of the escalator and get to the top without sweating
To exercise regularly
To feel and be strong
To have nice knees
To decorate my body with ink
To spend more time cuddling, laughing and/or fucking than eating
To dance
To not have extra flesh hang over the sides of my bra

Okay. I think I have a handle on it. Though I do have a headache.. it feels like a low blood sugar headache but I am not totally convinced. Perhaps dehydration?

Either way. Things to think about: Don't over eat. Undereat but not too much. Draw something, anything today. Clear off drafting table when I get home.

Just make it through the day

Anxiety City

I don't know what the deal is but I am a twitchy over thinking idiot. Insomniac'ed all Saturday night and I am drowning myself in escapist nonsense. What am I avoiding... beyond exercise, which is ridiculous as it will only make me feel better. Or is this twitchiness only about being broke? Why didn't I work on my website or just fricking relax? And when I did sleep I could feel myself oversleeping (when weird dream start) and I made myself get up. Sleeping for more than 8 or so hours always just seems depressive and lame to me. Ahhhhgggggrrg. I need to do something that makes me feel okay in my own skin... I am thinking heavy exercise is the answer.

Or introspection, or just about anything.

my boss is a bitch

There are a lot of things I like about here. But wow is she a bitch. Dressed me down in front of people for pleasing the client. Ick. And she is a BITCH. She never gave me any direction at the beginning and then complained at the result. Grrrr. Dysfunctional or what. Be happy that I didn't come up with utter crap. While all the sketches I came up with were good, I didn't expect them all to work. Duh! what a cow. I rock, she gave crap direction and it must stick in her craw. Idiot.

In low places

So I gave birth to two and have come to find that one has killed a bit of the other.

More to the point, my 11 year old son, for whom I gladly sacrifice on a daily basis took into his twisted little head to destroy one of my paintings... most likely out of boredom. That little shit.

For those of you just reading you won't know how much painting means to me. It means a lot. It is the only place I can occasionally touch the real me. I can touch flow.

I had poured about 6 hours into this piece snatched out of my life over the course of two weeks. I was almost done and then he took a can of spray mount (mine, of which he had been instructed never to touch) and sprayed it all over and then scratched the crap out of it. And then, when I found out what he did, he lied about it. And screamed at me. He had no empathy as to what he had done. What he continues to make life with him like.

I was so mad. And crushed. Purely heartbroken and for a moment I hated him.

And now I am just sad and afraid that a bit of that hate and hurt is going to stay with me always.

Breaking up is hard to do

But it is paying off! I broke the 260 mark and am down to 258.8 - So take that food. In in honor of that I am wearing my new red lipstick. More on that later.

Oct. 2, 2007

Why do I even fucking care. Just because I lovingly and independantly created a body of work only to have it be perloined without my okay and to be fucking undervalued. That is it right there. I am under valued, under apprieciated and not working anywhere near my full capacity as far as skill level and intellectual challenge. Grrrrr. Today I must get some satisfaction. What a goat fuck

Sept. 25, 2007 - burning sad loneliness

I just wonder what keeps me moving. And right now I am so tired. It seems there is never enough sleep to take this feeling away. I am killing myself to make a decent life for Haz. And there just isn't enough. And I don't think there ever will be. I am pouring all my time, energy and money into this kid and he just keeps dumping on me. Tearing me apart with his words and actions. He is wasting everything and I don't know what to give to him. And i am so worn out with it. Worn down to this fat unhappy creature who has no value in my own eyes... I have this utter sense of being befret. Befret of love of care of respect. And like a child I can only ask why. what must be wrong with me. And I know as I ask this it is useless... why is the wasted question. Why is only a drain on me.

March 16, 2007 - Mixed Messaged suck ass

And this is why. When I am given one set of instructions I follow them. I am so silly that way.

Then to have all that disregarded sucks. To be told we would talk about jobs I would be responsible for are being done in a way that I have absolutly no contribution to is demoralizing and counter preductive

May 22, 2007

You think that you are above the rules. Like you are sooooo special you don't have to do it like everyone else. I freeeaking quit. You dumb slobs. Why should I even make such an effort with this crap. You suck when you act like defiant little children just trying to make your point... "I see how it is supposed to be... I am supposed to just be your little bitch picking up after your sloppy ass selves... grrrrr. I am pinched."

Feb. 22, 2007 - misery

This is just a job. And the end of the how important is it to me to keep it? [I really think I need to work on finding that answer.]

I can't spend day after day struggling to [fill in blank here. These things can include, do a good job, be effiecent, get job satisfaction, communicate effectively, not get yelled at by other people, get support, get respect, be creative, be accurate, be supportive.]

My sense of dread as I walk in to this building is just increasing and increasing. I need a fucking break. Just to be cut a little slack... it seems everyone is asking me to cut others slack were the fuck is my slack. No, I get told I do 90% of my job really well but I need I am hard to work with. WTF these two things seem utterly contridictory. And I am being asked to change how I communicate but I am not supported in doing so. When I went for support today all that happened was an escelation. What the F. I just need a bit of sucess. Please. Just a little relief.

Feb. 21, 2007 - little bastard weasle tard

Received a disk out for an in house job. Noticed in filenet that it hadn't been reviewed by the proofreader for fatals prior to PA. Was intimidated by BillyBob's rude and negative attitude and didn't want to invite that into my day first thing. So I called Betty and asked her to review it for fatals. I figured that if it had them I could address it at that point instead of borrowing trouble if it had no fatals. I find this whole situation rediculusous. It is not my job to ensure this was done, but on that note I am a team player and truly care about quality.

The other part I find disturbing is that BillyBob's rudeness and outright unprofessional behavior is starting to prevent me from doing my job. This is in addition the impact working with a negative person has on moral.

On that note he just came by and kindly dropped off a package and while he wasn't friendly he was polite and brief.

Feb. 6, 2007 - Roles

Examples of Role wierdness:

Blankety Blank Newsletter. I got maybe a total of 1.5 hours to work with the files. This was very challenging due to may workload - not when I got the files from the designer. The files did not have client requested content designed?? Was I supposed to do that? If so when?

Superproduct sales sheet. - This in an established brand and I viewed it as applied design. Instead it was switched to Jane. When a new sub-brand look and feel is established is that info documented and how / should it be made available to others?

Frequently things are taken all the way through layout and all needed edits then passed off only at disk out. This is very problematic because it may have disclosure issues or show things that may not be producible. So the production designer has to scrub the heck out of a messy file that they are totally unframiliar with.

The SpankyCool Kit Add Value - Design changes were made after I thought I had taken the "lead" on the project. On any project who is leading when and what their obligation the other is very often in doubt.

Feb. 1, 2007 - Janitorial Shite

Not Fair.(yes I know life isn't fair). But at the end of the day Jaylin got days on end where she got to play with the newsletter and that was all that was on her plate. I only got a day and a half with it and I had to manage it with the rest of my workload. The file is exceptionally messy and will take me about 3 or 4 hours to clean up and make into a well functioning document. I don't understand, if she is supposed to be some "big" shot conceptual designer why such a messy file is acceptable and why I get to be delegated as the janitor on it? I would have been better off doing the work from scratch myself and could have turned it faster than she did. Why is my plate so full and contain so much "downstairs maid" work, while hers isn't and she gets miles and miles of time to work on stuff. This sucks for me. Just utterly bites ass. Are Jaylin and Kait above me in the food chain. Am I supposed to be managed by them?

January 25, 2007 - Gross

I feel sad and angry. Disheartened. I have worked here a year and a month and we are still taking about How we do our jobs to get by and not even on how to do them better/smarter. Or for pete's sake just spending our time doing our jobs. I am also feel like the "quality" of the work coming my way is sucking more and more. I have no desire to be someone's file/layout janitor. I am good at what I do. I have experience, enthusiasim and expertise. I am logical, methodical and results oriented with a bussiness needs focus. I am under utilized in the situation here. My skills are rusticating. The work I am offered does not enable me to increase my skill set or add value for the business. I am increasingly asking myself if I belong here. This is sad for me. Very sadd. Just now someone came by and asked about OCR cababilities. - I had knowledge. I felt totally uncomfortable being able to share. I feel icky. Stupid and icky.

December 11, 2006 - What the fuck

I have come to the point where I don't want to even be here. I am bored. Unchallenged. And when I am not I am being dealt with silly unorganized non-sense. I would like to be part of a tight ship where I push myself and try to achieve new things. This place isn't it. I have now spent a year in a broken machine wait for that wonderous day when it will work and this day isn't it.

My break-up letter to food

Food, you've been a shitty boyfriend and I am dumping you. You keep me to yourself and are jealous all the time. You make my ass huge and I always feel worthless and out of control around you. I keep paying so much attention to you... I was spending my money on you, and all my time and you will never loved me back. So screw you. You don't put out. You are always going bad. And I am better than that. I am better than you. No longer will you lounge around lingering on my hips. No longer are you allowed to make me feel small and pathetic. So piss off! We are done. I am through with you.

love from,

me

passive aggressive people suck

Let me tell you. So do elitist people who justify not being clear and organized on making "design decisions". Fucking A. I am so tired of this shite. After a meeting where I took copious notes only to have some elitist holier than though anorexic bitch tell me that she hopes something "stuck in my brain". Grrrr. Game playing fuckwits. I can go toe to toe with any logical argument. And by the way I am a kick ass designer and a hard core producer and I don't have to work 12 hours to do it. So the next person who puts me down because they are threatened can just kiss my ass.

So I am having a flipping anxiety attack. The landlord called. After I had left the note with David. Grrrrr. I wanted to get there first. He asked me to call him back today and I did. But got his message machine. This is so tension ridden. Grrr. I need to find a way to lower my overhead or make some more fucking money... I vote for the second option as I am not living high off the hog as it is. I need to focus on getting my site back up for sure.

Ick. I hate this feeling and I don't want to move! It is soooo much work and I have move a million (7) in the last 6 years.
What can I do to make some money and still be a good parent and a whole person and an artist and a friend.

262.8 Whooo Hooo. I think that is less. Since the last time I punched in numbers here I had popped on the scale once before. Admittedly it was at night and I was all winter dressed... but suffice to say the result wasn't good... the first to numbers were 2 and 7... eeeeeek. I decieded to not take it to heart and not measure it again until today. Which is good.


I had a great time on Saturday shopping with a friend. I spent only a drop but all in all the experience was grad. On sunday I went to the grocery with a friend and that was lovely... the chance to catch up being the most cool part. Though I tried to do my best to do a good healthy shop... lots of salad. The fridge looks amazing all packed with vegies. I also have a lunch scheduled with a work friend who has had the bariatric surgery... I am going to hear all the nitty gritty.

As for parenting the boy has lapsed into selfish "I don't want to get of my ass or suffer the barest in convienience" phase this weekend. Icky icky greedy crappy behavior. Hopefully he is going to get the point. I got the room really clean but lagged on the living room and kitchen... I am going to work on those tonight and hopefully get that all done and get the table cleared. Goals baby goals.

B-fast was just a yogurt as I didn't want to feel all loaggy.

Oh, and I am reading this great book... super funny and seasonally correct. "A Dirty Job" by Christopher Moore. Way cool.

So I am slightly calmer this morning though still very sad. Paul was just lovely about the whole mess. I felt so horrid but he was very understanding. He is turning out to be a really nice person and I am glad I went with my instincts and rented to him.

I skipped b-fast and tea at home and it make the ride up to bart not so huffy puffy and gross.

I am going to do my best and get a few things done like "advocating"* for H's IEP meeting that is several weeks over due. I have been calling since the week it was supposed to happen and just got a call back. Writ ting an over due letter to my landlord. Paying the utilities. Washing my stinky sandals... pew. I am just going to try to forge ahead.

Best of luck to the rest of you out there.




*Advocating I am finding out means harassing people till they do their job or what he needs.

I am beginning to resent him and dislike his presence. The "he" in question is my 11 year old son. My 11 year old who in the last 5 days has lied to me more times than I can count, stolen money from my new housemate* and skipped school. He is wrecking things for everyone. He is destroying everything I worked for - for him, for his brother. And I don't know how to make him stop. I have sent him to behavior modification. I have tried to get him mental health care only to have the provider I set up stop taking my calls. That is turning out to be a nightmare because I would have to take off work SUPER early twice a week, get him for counseling and then go. I don't even have the 20.00 co-pay right now. Fucking A.

I am so upset and sad. And he is just breaking my heart. I really question if he is just a bad selfish person. If that is who he is choosing to be. I mean I am working so hard on all of this and it is going nowhere. He just doesn't get it. He is sabotaging everything.

I must be the most horrid of parents. He went away for boot-camp and I missed him. I really did. I was so eager (and afraid) as his return got closer and closer. But there in the middle I felt like I could breath. Like I could finally breath. At the time I was scrambling like to hell to find the $1,200 it took to send him there. And trying to figure out my own head. But I had time and space and felt just for a bit like I wasn't being pummelled — both literally and figuratively.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't trust him. Any minuet now he is going to do something else horrible and it is going to destroy this life I am trying to keep afloat just a bit more. His constant immoral behavior is making so I will end up homeless... he will end up homeless. This is just crazy. And I am alone in it all. Ever so desperately alone.

I have a way to trade for a weekend at Pittsburg youth academy - But no way to get him there. And he will fight me, physically. I am afraid to drive with him. Scared he will cause an accident.

I am hoping a good nights sleep will make things more clear.


* I gave up my bedroom in order to make some money. So now I share a room with a child and rent it out to people. I though I had a safe and welcoming home when I gave me references to Paul, the french dude from la rochelle. Who is really nice btw and doesn't want me to call him on it.

264.something

that was the returns this morning. Though I still feel really whaley and like a over stuff sausage about to burst. But it could all be in my head. No, just checked the waist band... still see the rolls. ick.

I know that all sounds so ultra self hateful etc. but it seems like this fat is just baggage of a less than easy life. This baggage is stuck to me right now. I am tired of carring it around. It is eating up way to much of my energy in the everyday and will most likely kill me in the end.

And I need that energy for parenting, art and the people in my life I care about and just some for myself. Phew. I am tired just thinking about it. I read an article about sleep today and pretty much agree I need more. Lots more.